Secure, Self-Aware, & Struggling To Date? You’re Not The Problem

Is pee really in the dating pool? Well… it just might be.

According to a doctoral candidate and researcher who goes by “Alex Enriuq” on TikTok, it may be harder for emotionally available people to find love in this era of dating. In his almost three-minute video, which has garnered more than 900,000 views, Alex shares findings from his research on women’s emotional experiences.

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“We’re so used to going on a few dates with someone, that person falls off the roster, we add someone on. When we have an emotionally available dater who knows what they want, they’re giving clear communication, boundaries, follow-through, intentionality, and I think that can be conflated with pressure for those who aren’t used to experiencing those things,” Alex said.

So what does this lack of experience lead to? The cat and mouse of inconsistent communication, emotional immaturity, and ghosting, all fueled by the idea that there’s always someone out there who might be better.

Alex went on to say, “We’re so used to people being nonchalant, but for these chalant daters, the people who are intentional, the people who are emotionally available, they may often seek clarification if there’s ambiguity really early, and that can also be seen as pressure.”

He also touched on attachment theory, explaining that in today’s dating scene, it might actually be harder for securely attached people to survive, because unlike the other attachment styles, they’re willing to exit a situation that doesn’t serve them.

“People who are anxiously attached and avoidant have a higher threshold for what’s going on in modern dating. People who are securely attached and emotionally available will back out of these ambiguous situations really early,” Alex explained. “People who are avoidant, they’ll thrive on this baseline of being inconsistent, and they thrive on the ghosting scenarios. Our anxiously attached friends are just trapped in the web of the apps because there is so much of the unknown and uncertainty, and it creates a dopaminergic high of uncertainty to reassurance.”

While women and men may lie, the experts don’t. Licensed marriage and family therapist Jordan A. Madison of “Therapy Is My Jam” sees it play out in real time with the singles and couples in her practice every day.

“Society has us in this idea of being secure, asking for reassurance and communication is too much,” Madison said. “I think that dating is harder than it needs to be. There’s all these gender wars, especially in the Black community, and it’s very exhausting.

“The issue is people want intimacy, but they don’t want the responsibility that comes with that. The responsibility to care for someone, checking in on someone, or the responsibility of being a person of your word. People are scared to be vulnerable, so they stick to surface level. They stick to casual sex, to the things that are not too deep, because that feels safer.”

So yes, there might be a little pee and maybe some poop in the dating pool. But how do we improve our odds of finding the one?

“The cliché of actions speak louder than words is fair. People say things, but do they do the things to back them up? Whether it’s scary, hard, or inconvenient, do they do the things to back them up?”

Seems like the best advice is to follow your heart, but also pay attention to the signs that maybe this person just isn’t that into you… Or maybe not emotionally available enough to maintain a talking stage.

Either way, if you’re waiting for the dating pool to get cleaned out anytime soon, you might have to keep your feet on the edge and watch other people swim for a while.

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