What Is Ghostlighting? The Toxic Dating Trend
Ghostlighting Is The Cruelest Dating Mind Game You Didn’t Know You Were Playing
Ghostlighting is very real, and there’s a good chance you’ve experienced it without realizing it. It usually starts with a promise. You meet someone you genuinely click with, spend weeks (sometimes months) talking or dating, and then things slowly shift. Replies take longer. Plans stop happening. Eventually, they vanish—or almost vanish—leaving you confused, annoyed, and questioning what just happened.
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So you decide to speak up. Calmly, respectfully, you tell them you feel hurt and ask what’s changed. Instead of clarity, you get deflection. They insist they’re not ghosting you at all—they’re “just busy!”—and imply you’re overreacting or imagining things. Suddenly, you’re the problem.
That’s ghostlighting, and it’s not harmless.
Ghostlighting is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting.
The term blends two familiar toxic dating behaviors. Ghosting is when someone disappears without explanation. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that makes someone doubt their own perceptions. Together, they create a particularly disorienting romance experience.
During a 2019 interview with Women’s Health, author and psychologist Stephanie Sarkis described this toxic dating trend as a series of “manipulation tactics with a goal of making the person feel like they’re going crazy, or that they can’t trust themselves.” In practice, a ghostlighter may drastically reduce communication or pull away so noticeably that you feel the shift immediately. But when you ask about it, they deny anything has changed and suggest you’re misreading the situation.
Wanting answers is completely normal, especially when things seem to be going well. Unfortunately, ghostlighters rarely offer honest explanations. Instead, they redirect blame to protect themselves.
“That person is trying to manipulate you and create guilt to make you feel like it’s not their fault,” Sarkis added. “That way, they can absolve themselves from any responsibility.” She notes that gaslighters often rely on absolute language like “You never seemed interested” or “You always think people are ignoring you,” shifting the focus away from their behavior and onto your supposed flaws. The goal is to make you feel needy, irrational, or responsible for their withdrawal. You’re not.
Sometimes the warning signs appear early. A ghostlighter may come on intensely at first—constant attention, affection, and interest—only to flip the switch without warning. If something feels off, trust that instinct. Ghostlighting thrives on self-doubt—but clarity begins the moment you stop questioning your reality.
How do you stop ghostlighting?
The most effective way to deal with a ghostlighter is to address the behavior directly. Ghostlighting often stems from emotional avoidance, with the person pulling away to dodge discomfort or accountability. Being clear and firm about your boundaries helps stop the cycle and protects your emotional space.
It’s also crucial to remember that just because someone reappears after ghosting doesn’t mean they’re entitled to a second chance.
“They need to take full accountability for their actions and provide an explanation,” said New York–based matchmaker and dating expert Anna Morgenstern during an interview with Men’s Health on Nov. 5. “Let them show you that they’ve changed and that their interest in you is genuine. If you sense they’re trying to manipulate you or aren’t being fully transparent, don’t let them back into your life.”
In reality, Morgenstern notes that most ghostlighters aren’t willing to take responsibility, which is why choosing to end things on your own terms is often the healthiest option.
“The only person who can truly give you closure is yourself,” she adds. “Remember that you can only control how you respond and react.”
Responding doesn’t mean matching their behavior or chasing answers you may never get. Instead, it’s about making sure you’ve expressed yourself honestly and without regret.
What do you think about this toxic dating trend?
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