friendship goals a guide to embracing growth in sisterhood

There is so much power in friendship. To find a sister within a friend is one thing, but to grow through various stages of life, and make it out unscathed and rooted in your love for one another, is an experience I wish on every woman, no matter what walk of life that they come from.

I recall vividly the moment my best friend, Courtney Jones, entered my life. It was the summer of sixth grade, and we had our moms to thank for an introduction that would set the foundation for the beautiful friendship we’ve cultivated and maintained to this day. I’d seen her riding her bicycle around the neighborhood and had a bit of excitement to see another Black girl who seemed to be close in age to me. Thanks to her mother’s encouragement, Courtney stopped by to introduce herself, and the rest is history. 

From navigating high school to a tearful departure when we decided to put roughly two hours of travel time between us when she attended Norfolk State University, and I, Virginia Commonwealth University, to just about every curveball life can throw young Black girls, I’m proud to say that our friendship has withstood the test of time. We’re in this sweet space where we continue to water one another, states apart, making her much more than my best friend, but the sister my age that I never knew I needed.

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This year marks 20 years of friendship for us, and to celebrate, we set out to Puerto Rico for our very first bestie solo trip. Now, I fear we’ll need to allot time to do this more often. Here’s what I’ve learned about sustaining a deep-rooted friendship through time, growth, and change.

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Communication Is Key.

Typing this as the first pointer feels a bit clichéd, but there’s a greater understanding of communication that comes with growing older and wiser.

Early on in our friendship, whenever there was a disagreement, I would do what I had learned from my household: put the silent treatment on full display, hoping that Courtney would read my mind and apologize for the thing that made me mad, but I never told her.

That reads just as unbelievable as it sounds. Still, thankfully, due to growth, I’ve learned that the cool thing about having a best friend, is that you can come to her about anything at any time, and whether she agrees or disagrees, she will approach the situation with love, grace, and a listening, and non-judgemental ear, at least that’s what mine has done for me over the years. 

There’s anything big or small that we can’t talk about, and that is because there is an open line of communication between the two of us, which is a safe space that we had to learn to form for one another during some of the silly fights we had in our younger years. Communication is so vital to making any relationship work, especially a friendship.

Watering One Another Makes For A Fruitful Relationship.

Growth isn’t just this beautiful, magical thing that occurs in your life; in fact, it can be pretty painful.

I am no longer the young girl that I was when Courtney and I met in middle school, and neither is she. Once we came to terms with that, our friendship got stronger. On the final day of our inaugural bestie solo trip, the Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve Puerto Rico, where we stayed, set us up with a Bonfire and S’mores activity, allowing us to toast to our final night on the island. Still, it wound up being much more than that for us.

Instead, we were able to reflect on 20 years of friendship and just how much we’ve grown individually and together. We ended up getting into the ocean, crying, and just talking about how far we’ve come. We also manifested what is to come.

Something unique about our friendship is that we have both served as catalysts for one another’s growth, and we aren’t afraid to admit it. For me, I’ve learned the power of speaking up for myself, not being afraid to tell people what’s on my mind, thanks to Courtney’s direct approach to life and her Gemini nature, which lends itself to a versatile and adaptable communication style that suits any situation.

On the other hand, Courtney has learned the power of vulnerability from me. I have always been in touch with my emotions since we were kids, often crying at the drop of a dime due to my feelings or those of others (the joys of being an empath). While Courtney has not always understood my often emotional, Scorpio ways, she’s never made fun of them. Still, she has helped me to embrace that side of myself, and has taken the initiative to learn how to be more open herself.

There Will Be Drama, But It’s All In How You Navigate It.

As the Living Single theme song says, “true blue, and tight like glue,” that’s precisely how Courtney and I are, but it took us some work to get there.

There were times when we didn’t speak to one another for weeks over something so minor that we can’t even remember it today, but I can proudly say that today, we rarely argue, and I think it is because we’ve learned how to navigate the lows with grace, truly.

If anything, we’ve experienced drama within our circle of friends, but we’ve learned always to remain neutral and serve as a blueprint for how to show up for one another in a way that is authentic and does not belittle. 

While we may have disagreements here and there, it’s so much easier to understand one another’s side without tearing each other down. The last time we had a huge blowup was during a trip that we took to Florida following our respective college graduations.

Thanks to the friends who were with us, we were locked in a room and couldn’t come out until we got to the root of the issue, and it all boiled down to us not feeling seen by one another. I was upset because I always felt judged by Courtney, but in reality, I was the one who was the hardest on myself and didn’t want to admit it. For her, she couldn’t believe that her best friend would think that she’d ever intend to hurt her, and I quickly understood her frustrations at the time. 

Since then, we’ve managed to have open conversations with one another about everything under the sun, and because of it, we have grown. That wasn’t any different while we were on our vacation, where we talked about how we’re navigating some of life’s most significant changes. To me, that was the culminating point to where we’ve arrived in our friendship as grown women, and trust me, it’s a glorious place to be.

Carve Out Time For Fun, Always.

While we had serious conversations during our trip, and they often come up in our relationship, nothing beats the feelings of joy that are invoked when we let our hair down and have fun.

Of course, we explored the island off the resort for our final night, and it was so much fun, because we’ve had our fair share of parties throughout our friendship. From teen parties at Club Rain in Petersburg, Virginia to house parties in high school, traveling on the Greyhound between Richmond and Norfolk to live it up at Echols Gym at NSU (if you know you know) or a random, fun night at VCU, to now, traveling the world, partying in the streets of San Juan, Courtney and I know a thing or two about having a good time.

We always say, life is hard enough, why waste it being sad or bored, and each time we link up for a good night on the town, I can see our inner children gleaming, and I sure as hell can feel it too! 

Keep God At The Center.

Last, but certainly not least, one of the things that has always been the foundation of Courtney and my friendship is the relationship we share with Christ. 

I know, everyone doesn’t subscribe to religion, but we do, and in my opinion, God ordained this friendship between the two of us. As a kid, I would go to church with Courtney and her mom, and today, they’re still two people with whom I can talk openly as I grow in my relationship.

Something that makes my heart smile is that anytime I have picked up the phone to call Courtney to talk, and most times, cry about what was occurring in my life, without hesitation, she always asks if she can pray for me. I don’t take that lightly at all.

Oftentimes, we get it wrong in this thing called life, but for the last 20 years, witnessing Courtney maintain and grow in her faith has encouraged me to do the same. Just as much as we gather and have a good time with one another, we also participate in virtual Bible studies, where we interpret the word of God together through prayer and fasting. I genuinely believe that the Lord strategically placed us in one another’s life so that we could water one another to the beautiful 30-somethings that we’re blossoming into. 

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