Spot The Narcissists In Your Circle Before They Drain You

Narcissism, characterized by excessive self-love and egocentrism, according to the American Psychological Association, is a real and common personality trait that can be challenging to deal with. Narcissism refers to those who believe their needs and desires are superior to others. As noted by BetterUp, individuals with the unsavory personality type often display behaviors such as being preoccupied with fantasies of success and power, taking advantage of others, believing they are superior, showing extreme self-confidence, monopolizing conversations, and neglecting the needs and feelings of the people around them.

However, recognizing narcissistic traits can be difficult, especially when it comes to covert narcissism. As explained by the Cleveland Clinic, covert narcissists tend to be more sensitive to criticism, struggle with fitting in, and often use self-deprecation to attract attention. They may also exhibit social anxiety, passive-aggressive behavior, and a tendency for revenge when feeling cornered.

While dealing with people with narcissistic traits can be tough, understanding how to identify their behavior is the first step to protecting yourself.

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Spot The Traits.  

Amy Brunell, a professor of psychology at Ohio State University and an expert on narcissism, says that the key to managing interactions with narcissistic individuals is identifying the type of narcissist you’re dealing with. In an interview with Time published Feb.10, she explained that narcissism is typically categorized into three types: agentic narcissism, communal narcissism, and vulnerable narcissism. Each presents differently.

Agentic narcissism, the most recognizable and toxic form, is marked by an inflated sense of self-importance, with these individuals seeing themselves as far more competent and intelligent than others. They often belittle those around them to maintain their grand self-image and seek status and admiration over genuine intimacy. They are self-promoters who have fantasies of grandeur and engage in rivalries, especially with those they perceive as competition.

An example of an agentic narcissist might be Donald Trump, who displays many traits of this type, including a need for admiration, extreme self-confidence, a sense of entitlement, and a tendency to exploit others. Like Trump, agentic narcissists have the guts to take risks and self-promote which often leads them to positions of prominence, particularly in organizations.

On the other hand, communal narcissists seek admiration through excessive caring and helpfulness, sometimes offering assistance when it’s neither needed nor wanted. While this may appear to be nice, it is driven by a need for validation and admiration, not genuine concern for others.

Lastly, vulnerable narcissists are the most fragile. They don’t display the overt self-importance of the other types but instead overcompensate for deep insecurities and low self-esteem. Often socially inhibited, defensive, and anxious, vulnerable narcissists struggle with feelings of inadequacy that they mask with arrogance, egotism, and self-centeredness.

“Vulnerable narcissists feel bad about themselves,” Brunell shared. “They are chronically mad that they’re not getting what they think is due them, so they tend to be more hostile. For a while, I struggled with understanding why vulnerable narcissists are narcissists at all, except they share the core feature of self-centeredness.”

By understanding the different types of narcissism, you can better navigate interactions with narcissistic individuals and protect yourself from their harmful behavior.

“Ask these narcissists about themselves [and] they say, ‘Oh yeah, I’m so pro-social and so great,’” Brunell added. “But if you ask their peers about them, they actually see them as being kind of aggressive.”

Boost Your Self-Esteem.

When dealing with a narcissist, they may target your insecurities and try to undermine your self-esteem. Don’t let them succeed. According to Healthline, building strong self-esteem can help you resist their tactics and better cope with their harmful behaviors. You can boost your self-worth by practicing positive self-talk, engaging in self-care (bubblebath anyone?) and surrounding yourself with a supportive network. A solid sense of self-esteem will empower you to set boundaries, assert yourself, and advocate for your needs, all crucial for maintaining any relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits.

Advocate for Yourself and Don’t React.

Narcissists often seek to feel superior and in control, using emotional manipulation to provoke reactions. Don’t give them that power. Stay as neutral and unreactive as possible,  think of yourself as a “grey rock,” BetterUp notes. Don’t engage in arguments or offer explanations.

Walking away or simply ignoring a narcissist’s provocations is the best approach. However, how you respond also depends on the nature of your relationship with the narcissist, Healthline adds. Whether it’s a boss, parent, spouse, co-worker, or friend, the strategy may differ. If you feel your boundaries have been crossed, avoid reacting emotionally or showing frustration. If you want to maintain the relationship, it’s important to calmly and respectfully communicate your feelings. Let them know how their behavior affects you and outline the changes you expect, but be prepared for the possibility that they may struggle to understand or empathize.

Set Clear Boundaries.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissist. Clearly communicate what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, and outline the consequences if those boundaries are violated. Once you’ve set these limits, be prepared for them to be tested. Stand firm and don’t back down. If you do, the narcissist may exploit any signs of weakness to push for more control. Studies show that narcissists have the tendency to be autocratic and assertive, so it’s important to establish dominance, respect, and confidence to disengage the power they believe they hold over you. 

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