6 Types Of Dysfunctional Communication In A Relationship
These 6 Types of Dysfunctional Communication Are Ruining Your Relationship - Page 3
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Communication is complicated. Sometimes we say so much more with non-verbal communication – like facial expressions or even silence – than we do with our words. When emotions run high, it’s hard to say what we need to say without adding a little something extra or hurtful. But if you’re in a long-term relationship or are married, the key to success is continually perfecting your communication skills with your partner. Research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found a correlation between positive communication and relationship satisfaction.
When we talk about communication in a relationship, we should be talking about expressing needs and finding a mutually beneficial way forward. However, sometimes – whether we admit it or not – our intentions aren’t always mutually beneficial. They might include wanting to win, wanting to make a partner jealous, wanting to make a point or wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. These micro agendas are counterproductive to effective communication. And yet, we’re all familiar with them and guilty of them. If you’re serious about becoming the best communicator you can be, then it’s time to be honest about these dysfunctional forms of communication in a relationship.
Scorekeeping
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Scorekeeping is a dangerous habit to get into. It’s the fast track to getting nowhere. Psychology Today reports that scorekeeping is an indicator of a lack of trust as well as rigidity in a relationship. But, when we’re accused of something, our pride kicks in. Sometimes, it feels the only way to redeem our reputation is to point out the flaws in someone else’s.
However, even if you are correct, mentioning a time your partner did the same thing of which they’re accusing you now is a dead-end effort. It doesn’t make the action okay. It doesn’t erase your partner’s feelings about it. The old adage, “Two wrongs don’t make a right…” has never been more relevant. It doesn’t matter if your partner did the same thing in the past that they’re now accusing you of. The only productive way forward is apologizing and fixing it.
Projecting
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Projecting can be difficult to identify. However, if you’re dealing with a subject matter that is triggering to you, makes you feel insecure or makes you feel unsafe, there is a chance you could start projecting. One example has to do with jealousy and trust issues. If you have done something dishonest or betrayed your partner in some way, even if that’s been resolved, you might project trust issues onto them. This could look like accusing your partner of being secretive when perhaps, that’s not happening at all. If you have been those things yourself, you can develop a fear that others around you are the same way. And you can see those behaviors, even when they aren’t there.
Name-calling
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Name-calling is never productive. It is only hurtful. When your partner does something you feel is selfish or inconsiderate, consider using those same terms to communicate how you feel. You could say, “You’re being selfish, or I feel like you’re being inconsiderate. “If you choose to go with, “You’re an asshole,” instead, you can’t really move the conversation forward. Nobody likes being called dismissive, character-condemning names. And the reality is that you probably don’t think your partner is an asshole, a b***h, or a similar name. You wouldn’t be with them if you truly felt that those words defined their character. When a conflict arises, name the problematic behaviors – but don’t engage in name-calling.
Gaslighting
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By now, many of us are familiar with gaslighting. But for those who need a refresher, gaslighting involves psychologically manipulating someone to the point that they question their own sanity. Usually, when someone is gaslighting you, it’s because you hit the nail right on the head with your accusation. If they aren’t comfortable lying and denying, their second option is to make you question your judgment. A gaslighter might tell you, “You’re only saying that because of your messed up childhood” or “You know you get emotional this time of year and can’t trust your thoughts.”
The Silent Treatment
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The silent treatment is juvenile, but full-grown adults do it. The silent treatment is not, in fact, a form of communication but instead a form of punishment. And when punishment occurs, it suggests that one person is 100 percent responsible for the conflict. That is rarely the case. That is what makes this behavior unproductive. It puts the person being ignored in a position of having to beg for communication, which immediately makes them seem like the one who was “wrong.” If you want to be in a relationship with someone, the silent treatment is never okay. It doesn’t move communication forward and is a form of disrespect, adding yet another issue to the conflict.
Blame Redirecting
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Blame redirecting is in the same family as scorekeeping but is its own distinct behavior. In blame redirecting, a partner accuses you of doing something (that you have done), and rather than apologize, you explain that their behavior caused you to do it. When blame redirecting happens on a regular basis, it makes up the fabric of an emotionally abusive relationship. One partner never takes accountability for their actions, leaving the other walking on eggshells, always worried how they might “bring blame upon themselves.” Blame redirecting is not productive because it makes your partner feel unsafe expressing their needs and disappointment.
