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Emotional annoyed stressed couple sitting on couch, arguing at home facing financial infidelity

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Late-night secret Internet activity, hiding mail and sneaking around; these are all a part of cheating – financial cheating, to be precise. In order for a couple to build a bright future together, they need to be on the same page about finances, including spending, income and debt. However, just because someone says they agree with the plan doesn’t mean that they’re abiding by it.

According to a poll by CreditCards.com, well over a third of people in serious relationships admitted to some form of financial infidelity. The most common types include spending more than a partner is okay with, keeping secret debt and having a credit card or checking or saving account that a partner doesn’t know about.

Nearly half of the respondents state financial cheating is just as bad as physical cheating and some even said that it’s worse. The reality is that, depending on the severity of the financial cheating, it’s a type of indiscretion that can alter the future of a couple’s life forever – even if they don’t stay together. The decisions your partner makes with your shared money can affect you, long after you split. And that is one of the reasons financial cheating hurts so badly. If you’ve experienced it, but you want to make it work with a partner, knowing how to move forward can be difficult. You can recover from financial infidelity, but it will be a process. Here’s how to take the first steps.

 

Understand Why The Financial Cheating Happened

Husband comforting crying wife during marriage counseling session

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Assessing the financial damage and working on mitigating it is an important first step. However, if you don’t get to the root of why the behavior happened, it could happen again. Have an open discussion about the feelings or worries that led to this behavior. According to the CreditCards.com poll, the most common reasons for financial cheating include:

  • Never discussing money in the first place. The issue just “never came up” according to 31 percent of respondents, pointing to a greater need for communication in the relationship.
  • A need for control. Thirty percent of respondents lied about money as a way of feeling in control of it.
  • Shame over financial competency. Twenty-five percent of respondents said that they kept money secrets because they felt embarrassed about how they’d handled finances.
  • Distrust of their partner. Fourteen percent of financial cheaters stated that they didn’t trust their partner with money.
  • Lack of faith in the relationship. Another fourteen percent financially cheated because they didn’t believe the relationship would last.
  • Addiction. Thirteen percent have an addiction related to money, such as spending or gambling.

 

You might consider involving a professional to guide the discussion. There are financial therapists who specialize in helping individuals and couples develop healthy relationships with money.

If your partner does struggle with a gambling or spending addiction, joining a group such as gamblers anonymous or a shopping addiction support group can be an important ongoing part of the healing.

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