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Dear Ashley,

So, I met a man two years ago. Everything was perfect. Sex was fantastic: intimate, passionate and loving. I don’t believe in traditional relationships and I understand that a man needs sex and a lot of it; therefore, I don’t say no to sex. Most of my past lovers have told me they would never cheat on me because I always want it.

When I met my boyfriend, I mentioned that I don’t care if he fucks anyone as long as I know about it and we have laid down the rules and boundaries which he has continuously done. Recently, he found someone who I believe he grew feelings for and won’t say it out loud to me and to make matters worse we have been having issues with sex. He doesn’t get hard for me anymore. We have also joined the swingers lifestyle and have been to a couple of play parties. At some of the parties, I have witnessed his dick getting hard with other women but once he started fucking me, his dick dies. Last week the girl who he has feelings for came over for a threesome but when we proceeded to try to have sex, his dick wouldn’t get hard. Later that night he went to go have sex with her alone and guess what–his dick got hard!

I mentioned this to him and his words are that I am insecure and bugging out. Three times I have witnessed this happen. How can I be bugging? So I guess my question is–is it me or is it him? He claims that he has issues and his dick doesn’t get hard even when he’s jerking off, but I think that’s bullshit. He no longer eats me out like he used too. When we fuck, I feel like he has to force his dick to stand up. I just want intimate, passionate sex!


Ms. Working with a limp dick


Dear Ms. Working with a limp dick

There’s this saying that goes– the only thing better than good pussy is new pussy. New pussy is exciting and fun because it’s new. You, my dear, are old pussy. In the words of B.B. King, “The thrill has gone.” He’s been there and done that. Your boyfriend has dipped his toes into the open relationship pool and now seems to have lost interest in having sex with you all together. Newton’s third law of physics states that for every action there is a reaction.This law applies to all things in life. There are reactions to everything we do—sometimes positive and other times negative. When we add outside people to our relationships we have to be prepared for all the possible outcomes. I don’t have an issue with open relationships; they can work just as well as traditional relationships but when exploring them, we have to be prepared for the good, bad and ugly. To know you no longer turn-on your boyfriend, but yet watch him get aroused by another woman is a huge blow to the ego. It makes you question everything about you and the relationship. But the good news is you still have time to fix your sexless relationship. You just need to make him want to fuck you again. 

Many long-term relationships go through “dry seasons.” Dry seasons are moments in time when sex doesn’t happen as frequent as it once did and can feel more like a chore than a fun pasttime. Your boyfriend doesn’t have a penis problem, he has an excitement problem. He’s bored with the current state of y’all’s sex life. Something about being with other women excites him. Your goal is to figure out a way to excite more than the other woman.  Give him fourth of July fireworks, pussy pop on a headstand, suck his dick from the back, do it all sis! 

Whatever you think you need to do to give your relationship some razzle dazzle, do it and don’t hold any punches. Turn all the way up. Pull out your bag of tricks and toys. Leave no stone unturned. It’s very common for sex to become routine. But you never want your man to look forward to having sex with another woman more than he does you. Spice it up quick or someone else is gonna be fucking your man permanently. And I know you don’t want that.

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Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black sexuality to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip and Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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