Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com
Dear Ashley,
My girlfriend and I want to go to a swingers club for the first time once COVID-19 is under control. In preparing, neither one of us really knows what to expect and we’re both pretty nervous. My girlfriend recently realized that she is bi-curious. We’ve been together for a few years and have been toying with the idea of having a threesome with another woman.We’ve tried all sorts of dating apps and websites, but so many women have ghosted or ignored us. We thought maybe a venue like this might be the perfect place to meet a lady who might like to join us for some fun.
I guess the question is what’s the likelihood of finding someone who wants to play with us? What kind of crowd can we expect? Do people there just bang wherever they feel like it? Any kind of info would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Swinging Virgin,
Being nervous about going to your first swinger club is normal. I remember how nervous I was when I attended my first sex club, much like you I had no clue what to expect. I envisioned it being something out of a porn flick and it totally was not. I personally believe that sex clubs are the perfect setups for couples to have threesomes. Everyone is literally there to have sex. Also, unlike other scenarios you don’t have to “get to know” the person in great detail.
If you find someone you vibe with, you simply just smash and leave. Sex clubs remove the mundane aspects of meeting someone new so you all can gets right to the fun. No exchanging numbers, no small talk, no going out on future dates … just smash and leave.
To help you feel more relaxed think of a swinger club like any other club but with sex. How would you pick up a date at a regular club? Do the same at a swinger club. I am introverted so I never approach men. I dress sexy and let the men come to me. Whatever you do normally–do that. Go with an open mind and zero expectations. When you meet new people, ask them about what motivates them in the lifestyle, what they are looking for and vice versa. Don’t go expecting to meet your unicorn on the first night. You might meet somebody, might have sex or you might not.
It’s uber important to discuss the do’s and don’t’s beforehand. Establish boundaries and talk about everything. Is it ok if one of us wants to engage with other people separately? Are we only looking to engage sexually with another person in a threesome? What if another couple wants to swap? Are you ok with having sex in the open? These are just a few questions that should be discussed honestly before it all goes down.
When swinging as a couple, it’s important that everybody is on the same page and same frequency for things to go smoothly. Also, be sure to check out the club’s event calendar to find the best day to go. Most weekends are themed and some days are more geared towards singles than couples.
Happy Swinging!
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
