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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex advice column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com
Dear Ashley,
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. We live in two different states in two separate time zones. He lives in Arizona, and I live in Delaware. Our relationship has become a little stale. So he suggested we try phone sex. Phone sex sounds fun, but I’m quite shy.
How do I have phone sex without feeling awkward? I don’t know how to talk dirty. What do I even say? My boyfriend also wants me to initiate sexting but I’m struggling with what to do. Any advice on what guys like during phone sex and how I should initiate?
Sincerely,
Phone Sex Newbie
Hey Sexting Newbie,
I know this struggle all too well. Most of my past relationships have also been long-distance relationships (LDR). It can be hella difficult to keep the spark alive when you live in separate locations. My last LDR was during the pandemic. He didn’t live in another state but he did live three hours away. And with a nationwide shutdown, it was damn near impossible to spend time together. So, we had to get real creative—really quick. Thankfully, with modern conveniences like Facetime, it wasn’t as hard to keep things spicy as one might imagine.
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One of the things he and I would do often is have virtual masturbation sessions. Yep, it’s exactly what it sounds like. We masturbated via Facetime. I would let him pick the toy he wanted me to use and then watch me play with it. He loved it! I was his personal cam girl model. To personalize the experience, I’d ask simple questions like, “what do you want me to do next?” or “do you like what you see?” Add in a few moans here and there and voila!
Now, with sexting, all you need to do is send sexy photos. When you don’t know exactly what to say, the right picture will convey a thousand words. I love sexting. Men are visual and they love sexy pictures. I send nudes randomly to men I’m involved with all the time. Whenever I am feeling sexy, I snap a nude and send it. Men love it. However, if you are concerned about your nudes being linked—err on the side of caution—never take a photo with identifying marks or face shots because no face, no case!
To help you with dirty talk there’s an app you can download—I kid you not, there is an app for every damn thing. Slutbot allows you to practice sexting with no strings attached. It was created by sex educators and erotic fiction writers as a safe space to explore your fantasies. As the saying goes—practice makes perfect. The more you do a thing, the better you become at it. So, practice dirty talk and sexting with Slutbot then take what you’ve learned and try it in real life with your boyfriend. Lastly, get out of your head. If you think you look silly, that’s how you will look to your partner as well. Hype yourself up and be confident. There is someone who, apparently, likes you enough to want to have phone sex with you. So—relax.
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley
