Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at firstname.lastname@example.org
So I was in a situationship for let’s say four years. Things didn’t work out on his part and it was hard to get over him. So I decided to up and relocate. During my situationship we decided to wait to have sex. Well, since I’ve relocated let’s just say your girl has been doing and getting hers. But I’m not sure what I want. I want to be married. I want kids but I don’t wanna continue wasting unnecessary time and I don’t wanna be left heartbroken again.
So my question is how should I approach a relationship moving forward? Like I got two dudes now, good sex from both parties. One acts like he doesn’t want a relationship and the other may want one down the line? Both have great qualities and potential. I’m just a lost girl out here trying to find her way. Please help.
Lost but looking for love
Dear Lost Girl,
If you want a relationship then only date men who want a relationship. It’s that simple. We as women tend to stay in situationships hoping that things will work out in our favor and usually they don’t because the man already knows he doesn’t want a relationship with us. I spent most of my twenties in one situationship after another. Thinking that one day the guy would miraculously realize that I was the one he had been waiting for all his life and profess his undying love for me. That day never came.
Don’t be like me—be smarter. You say you want to be in a relationship then you need to cut off both of those guys you’re dating. I am a firm on believing what men say. The first guy already told you he doesn’t want a relationship. Believe him and move on. Staying longer will only waste your time and create emotions that will be harder to detach the longer wait. The second guy who “maybe wants one down the road” doesn’t want a relationship with you either. Sorry—but it’s true. Men who want to be with you—commit. They don’t save you for later. They make it known IMMEDIATELY that they want to be with you and only you. Not to sound like one of those “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” people but even in 2021, many men still operate with this mindset.
If you want a relationship you have to lead with that. I’m not saying don’t have sex until you are in relationship but what I am saying is to date with intention. You can’t just date haphazardly. You can’t lead with sex and hope it will end in a relationship. Leading with sex is how you find yourself in situationships not relationships and you want a relationship. Find a man who is also looking for a relationship and date him. Only have sex with men who are looking for commitment. That’s how you get into relationships.
Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley