Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at firstname.lastname@example.org
I’ve been with my boo for 11 years, married for 6 and we have a 2-year-old. He’s truly a wonderful father and well-intentioned husband. He works hard and prioritizes us as a family. He’s the only man I’ve had sex with and I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake never having a hoe phase. At the beginning, I never intended to stay with him forever, but I fell in love because he was good to me.
He doesn’t rock my world though. I like a man to take control, which I’ve told him and he’s tried. It’s just not who he is and it’s unattractive to me. He’s a square. But he respects me, and comforts me in tough times. I feel like I made my decision 6 years ago, I knew he’d be a great dad. Something I didn’t have. But I’m so horny I fantasize about the neighbor! I love our family and would never act on anything, but I don’t feel fully satisfied. Is there something wrong with him or is there something wrong with me? How can I spice up my sex life when I’m not attracted to how unassertive he is in the bedroom?
Mrs. Horny Housewife
Dear Horny Housewife,
What do you do when you’ve done everything the “right” way and are still left unsatisfied? Ironically, I was watching a video today that discussed how premarital sexual experiences can ruin sex in marriages because it creates pre-made sexual “preferences” versus giving couples the chance to explore together. I believe this type of thinking and narrative is complete bullsh** and dangerous. Here’s why—before we make any major investment in life, we either test drive it, see it beforehand or try it on for size. Why when it comes to spending “forever” you’re not supposed to be fully aware of what you’re signing up for? How can I promise to love, honor, and obey when I don’t even know the most intimate parts of you? How can I promise a lifetime when I don’t know if I enjoy having sex with you? Or vice versa? Sex before marriage doesn’t guarantee a better sex life after marriage…ask me how I know? Because over the five years of me doing this work I have heard countless stories from women just like you.
Have you seen “Run The World”? The new show on Starz? You remind me of Whitney, one of the characters. She is about to get married to her one and only however, just like you she is realizing that has missed out because she never had a hoe phase. I believe every woman needs a hoe phase. Even though, hoe phases look different for every woman, they all serve the same purpose; to learn what you want, desire and need in sexual relationships. Having a hoe phase, allows you to narrow down your list of sexual non-negotiables.
Unfortunately, in your case, it’s a little too late for a hoe phase. The only option here is to find a workable solution. The good news is sexual compatibility is a real thing that can be taught. Sex for the most part is a learned skill. No matter if you had a hoe phase or not you still have to teach each and every partner what works for you. I suggest sex therapy as an option for you guys to try. A certified sex therapist can give you both tangible resources and solutions that can help make sex better. You mentioned you like being dominated. You like a little kink, huh? I know a freak when I meet one. Lol. Since your husband is not into it, do you think he would be ok with you hiring a dom maybe once or twice a month? There are several different types of male or female doms and not all of them involve “sexual intercourse.” Doms are sex workers who are about pushing boundaries and exploring sexuality in its myriad varieties. You have as much control over deciding what happens to you as the dom does. I think this would be a great option for you to experience your fantasy of being male dominated.
There is nothing wrong with you or him. People just like what they like. All we can do is try to find a workable solution that works for both parties. Women are taught that sex is not important, it doesn’t matter that much in marriage or relationships. But the devil is a lie! The one thing I am learning more and more from doing this column is that sex–especially good sex is very important to the sustainability of a relationship/ marriage. My hope is that women start making sex and pleasure just as important as finances and height requirements when deciding life partnerships.
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley