Benefits Of Sleeping Separately (They Aren’t All About Sleep) - Page 9

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

Whether it’s snoring, tossing and turning, or other nuisances like having different temperature preferences, there are a lot of reasons sleeping in the same bed as a partner can disrupt one’s sleep. One survey even found that over half of couples say sleeping separately – or having what they call a “Sleep divorce” – improves their relationship. But not all who want to sleep in separate beds – or even separate rooms – do, for fear of the age-old rumor that that’s a sign of a failing relationship. So they continue to let their slumber suffer, all to prove to people who, honestly, barely care what they’re up to, that their romance is still alive and well. Not my husband and me.

My partner and I started sleeping in separate rooms a little over three years ago. At that point, we were over four years into dating and a bit over a year into living together. We had a two-bedroom apartment but shared just one bedroom when it came time to sleep.  Then, one week, I’d need to be getting up at an ungodly hour every morning for a special project, and out of respect for my partner’s schedule, I slept in the other room. The experience changed our lives and we never returned to sleeping in the same room again. A lot of people accuse us of being an “old married couple” when they hear this, but we’ve truly never been happier. We feel like we’ve hacked life a little bit. Here are the benefits of sleeping in separate rooms.

Source: Prasert Krainukul / Getty

Control your sound

My husband claims he “needs fresh air” in order to sleep, so he wants the windows open. I don’t know how “fresh” the air is in the major city where we live, but fine. However, I wake to the sound of a pin dropping, which means I definitely wake to the sounds of horns honking, dumpster trucks picking up garbage, and neighbors’ screaming babies – all the things you hear when you open the windows to let in the “fresh air.” I have a loud sound machine that can drown out some of this, but my husband says the machine’s sound gives him anxiety. If you wake easily to noises, you need control over the sound in your sleep environment, and just can’t have that when you share a room. You typically land on some compromise that still leaves everyone unhappy.

Source: Nam Nguyen / EyeEm / Getty

Control your temperature

We covered this in the intro, but it deserves more attention. I actually go against the norms found in the study and like to sleep in a cool room. The feeling of a fan bothers my husband. So we used to sleep in what was to me a very warm room, and I’d wake up sweating. I would have also thrown the blankets off my body and onto my partner’s – the sensation of which woke him up. Plus, there’s the issue that sleeping in the same bed as someone else is naturally warmer than sleeping separately because of the combined body heat. Even if we’d stay to our separate sides of the bed, we still radiated heat onto each other. Now, we’re in separate rooms, and I can turn mine into the little igloo I want it to be.

Source: Westend61 / Getty

Sleep in whatever position you want

Do you know what the healthiest sleep position is? It turns out there are a couple. You’ve likely noticed if you sleep in one position for too long, you start to become uncomfortable, so it’s normal to want to change positions a few times throughout the night. But, sharing a bed with a partner can make you hesitant to do so, for fear that all that commotion will wake them up. Maybe they’re the one who changes positions often, and wakes you up. Maybe at some times, they spread out too much, accidentally touching or kicking you in the night, and waking you. You both have to sleep perfectly straight and still like sardines not to bother each other. But with a bed all to yourself, you can switch positions without fear of waking the other.

Source: Galina Zhigalova / EyeEm / Getty

Decorate as you wish

Sleeping in separate rooms means we essentially have his and her rooms. And that means no longer arguing about how we decorate the bedroom. We used to get into it about every accent pillow I wanted to add to the bed or every piece of art I wanted to hang on the wall. Now my bedroom is mine, to decorate as I want, with no feedback from him. And my blood no longer boils when I see him bring in a hideous rug or lamp for his room. That’s his room and not my business. I also love duvets, and my husband would rather have his teeth pulled without anesthesia than put a duvet cover on the insert, so it was healthy to remove him from that process.

Source: FreshSplash / Getty

Oh, sorry, we can’t have guests

Here’s a surprising little benefit for those who don’t like extended house guests: if you need your separate sleeping spaces to get your shut-eye, then you have an excuse not to have overnight guests. Or at least not those who stay for long. Many of our friends and family now know that we sleep in separate rooms, meaning that we don’t technically have a guest room. So if they’re looking for somewhere to crash for a week-long visit, they know to ask other friends or family before us. Some just book a hotel if they can afford it, rather than risk staying with us, putting us in one room together, and dealing with our grumpy, sleep-deprived *sses for the whole stay.

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

Sex becomes more intentional

It’s funny that people worry you’ll have less sex if you don’t sleep in the same bed – as if sex is just something that happens by accident when you doze off side-by-side. Honestly, we have our best sex in the middle of the day. Why wait until night, when you’re at your worst? You’re tired. You’re full from dinner. Maybe you’re a little buzzed from cocktails. Nobody’s doing their best banging then. Sleeping in separate rooms meant separating sleep time and sex time, and it’s actually encouraged us to design a sex life that is way better than what it used to be.

Source: Ivan Pantic / Getty

Less resentment

The sleep deprivation that came from sharing a bed also came with a lot of resentment. I can’t count the number of nights when my partner accidentally kicked me, or closed the bathroom door too loudly, and woke me up, and then I couldn’t fall back asleep for hours. I’d spend the next day tired and angry with him. I would perform poorly at work. I’d need to nap, which robbed me of time I wanted to spend on something else. And I blamed my partner entirely. Some people fear that sleeping separately kills the love. You know what really kills the love? Sleeping together, sleeping poorly because of it, and then resenting each other.

Source: Riska / Getty

More productive days

Building on the last point, sleeping separately now means I sleep through the night. I have much better quality of sleep which means I have much better quality of days. That means I can work quickly and efficiently – instead of slowly like I did when I was sleep-deprived. Both my husband and I get more done in less time when we’ve slept well, and that leaves extra time for quality time together. It also means we’re both much happier because we feel accomplished. We don’t fall behind on our goals due to sleep deprivation. We’re thriving, and that makes us happier as individuals, and that makes us happier as a couple.

Source: FG Trade / Getty

A new DIY attitude

We did worry at first that sleeping separately would be bad for our relationship. We only worried because it’s what everybody else said would happen. But now that we’ve learned it not only didn’t harm us but helped us, it’s given us a new, bold attitude towards a more DIY relationship. We don’t really care how others do things or how society says you’re supposed to do things. We eloped in Las Vegas during a pandemic. We aren’t having kids. We keep our finances separate. We make our own rules and we feel closer and happier than ever. And it all started by sleeping in separate rooms.