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Why can't you just listen to me?!

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Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex,  finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at


Dear Ashley,

I am a trans woman who has been in a relationship with a married man for going on 14 years. I live my life as a woman however I do still have my penis. Recently, his wife found out about the affair. Initially, she didn’t know I was trans until his friend told her. 

Now, I’m being dragged through the mud by the wife and her friends. He is now saying I lied to him and he isn’t into “MEN”and that I only provided oral sex. I showed his wife text messages of him giving me oral numerous times. He is an excellent provider and we talked about moving to California together. But now she refuses to sign the divorce papers.

I’m confused because he is saying one thing and telling her another. He even sent me a text that said “Why can’t I have you both?”  Not only am I disgusted but I am angry. He is supposed to be paying for my bottom surgery next month but IDK if he will anymore because the secret is out. He takes such good care of me I thought that by now he would have come around and married me. My question is am I wasting my time?



Wow!  First, let’s talk about the affair. When you are the third person in a marriage it’s always a 50/50 chance of things playing out in your favor. But more often than not, they don’t. As the “other” woman it’s easy to get lost in the fantasy. Beloved, you are lost in a fantasy, boo! 

Unlike in fairy tales, hoping and wishing for a thing doesn’t make that thing a thing. Your man, well y’all’s man, should I say, wants you to be a secret. As soon as it became public knowledge that he was in a romantic relationship with a trans woman, his view on the relationship changed.  He is not comfortable publicly being attached to you and to be honest he may never be.  I do believe he cares for you and enjoys being with you.  No one stays with someone for 14 years if they don’t like them. But sis he’s not ready to profess love for you because he is afraid of what folks will say and think. You deserve to be with someone who wants you, all of you! You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be your man and not ashamed. 

I also don’t believe the story about the wife refusing to sign the divorce papers. He’s just no longer interested in marrying you. If he really wanted a divorce he doesn’t need her signature. He and his attorney can file a Dissolution of Marriage with the courts without her signature. He lying, sis.

Listen, my advice is if he is still willing to pay for the surgery, let him and then send him on his way. Because the answer to your questions is yes, you are wasting your time. You will never get what you deserve from this relationship. He has wasted 14 years of your life that you can never get back, don’t allow him to waste a second more.

Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley


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