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I'm really not in the mood for this

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Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex,  finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at


Dear Ashley,

I literally DREAD having sex with my boyfriend. It’s not his penis size. It’s the fact that he can go for HOURS. He asks me for quickies but he doesn’t know wtf a quickie is. And I like slow sensual sex. I need some intimacy.

This MF is constantly slapping my ass hard af (which I like during sex but not when I’m watching a movie or doing homework), beating my stuff up, making me sore. I can get through it as long as I’m drunk but if I’m sober, I have a whole a$$ attitude the rest of the day.

The choking I can take but I literally get out of sex any way I can because he wants it every day all the time and the way he beat it up, I need a healing process. He likes pinning my legs up and putting me in awkward positions to where I can literally feel his penis in my gut and my damn esophagus. He’s just so rough and I don’t understand why. I can’t live with this. I’ve never dreaded sex a day in my life and now, I don’t mind being celibate. The sh*t hurts, becomes uncomfortable and is just not enjoyable for me anymore… 



Dear Ms Battered Vagina,

I am sorry you are going through this. I wonder who taught men that pounding p— felt good? Wait, I know….porn, it was definitely porn. In porn, “beat the p— up” equates to enjoyable pleasurable sex, but what men fail to realize is that porn is not real life and that pounding hurts.

You guys definitely need to have a discussion about what you want during sex. You like intimacy, provide him with examples of the kind of intimacy you are seeking. Men are not mind readers–although it would be nice if they were–let him know you are not enjoying sex and tell him why.

Talk about what your ideal sex session would look like, include everything from positions, duration, foreplay etc. People who talk about sex have better sex. You are not enjoying sex because you are not discussing it.

Also, might I add to incorporate lube, using lube will help your vagina be less sore from the friction. Another great product to use, that I recently found out about is called the Ohnut. The Ohnut is a bumper of sorts that is worn on the penis to control penetration depth.  It’s made of silicone and fits on the penis much like a cock ring. It’s completely adjustable and doesn’t decrease sensation. I think this would be a great investment to assist with the discomfort.  

Hope this helps! 


Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley


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