Welcome to Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! From threesomes, anal sex, finding the right sex toy and everything in between. Have a sex question, Ashley “Your Favorite Friend In Filth” has an answer. For questions on sex email Ashley at firstname.lastname@example.org
I could use your advice I’m a 25 year old male in a healthy long distance relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now and it’s been the best relationship since day one. We both are very understanding, compassionate and considerate and we have ridiculously great sex, no questions about it. But because of the distance every now and then I’ll get performance anxiety and it can derail things when it does occur. I’ve seen a couple of different articles about the topic but I wanted to see what your opinion on it was. Like I said, when things work our sex is nothing short of perfect on both ends, but the performance anxiety kind of just rears it’s head at the most inconvenient of times. Personally I think finally bridging the gap will be the solution, but maybe you have a few suggestions until then.
Mr. Failure To Launch
Hello Mr. Failure To Launch,
Thank you for reaching out, I know how hard it is for men to talk about sexual issues. I also what to acknowledge that you are not alone in your experience, in fact, there has been an increase of men 35 and under with performance issues. Performance anxiety usually stems from distractions, meaning not focusing on the pleasure at hand. I am going to assume here that because you’ve experienced performance issues in the past with your girlfriend that when you two are together that’s all you think about. The brain is your largest sex organ. Whatever your minds focus on, your body follows. You are worrying so much about the performance that your body is getting mixed signals, therefore sex is becoming impossible.
Luckily, I think this is an easy fix. You’re young, I don’t think it’s a health-related issue however getting checked out by a physician to be absolutely sure is a good idea so you can narrow down the source of the problem.
Secondly, I would recommend trying mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress. There are several mindfulness exercises available on YouTube. Incorporating these exercises into your routine will help reduce anxiety and help your mind to be present and focused on pleasure during sex.
Another solution is cannabis, although I don’t condone the use of illegal substances, there is another type of cannabis that has the same effect and is legal. CBD like marijuana has healing and relaxing properties but without psychoactive effects. In fact, a lot of people use CBD as a natural remedy to relieve anxiety. Finally, take it easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Find the right solution for your sexual performance anxiety so you can get back to having a healthy and enjoyable sex life.
Hopefully, this helps!
Your Favorite Friend In Filth
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider and Huffington Post. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter via @sexwithashley
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