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Dear Ashley,
My partner and I have been together almost 3 years. He’s been a bachelor essentially his whole adult life. When I moved in with him I discovered that often in the middle of the night he gets up and watches porn and masturbates, all while he thinks I’m sleeping. Our sex life is good, my sex drive is pretty high to the point where I want to have sex every night, but respect his denying it when he’s too tired or not in the mood. I’ve given him a “carte blanche” to wake me up whenever he’s in the mood because I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t mind giving up sleep for sex.
The first time I “caught” him I asked him if he can consider asking me to play with him because I love being intimate with him and experimenting. He said he would “try”. The second time I “caught” him was after an evening of us f*cking for almost an hour, he couldn’t ejaculate so we stopped and I went to sleep, later that night he was up and I found him naked in front of the computer masturbating. I felt like I can’t compete with these women in porn who have “perfect” bodies and I’m a mother so my stomach isn’t flat or smooth anymore. I cried a lot that night and he said he would stop since it hurt me so much. I told him I don’t want him to stop, I would just appreciate he ask me to join him if that’s what he wants.
Last night I was in bed, sexy lingerie on, and a sexy movie before he came in the bedroom to surprise him and have fun. He said he was too tired. So we went to sleep. This morning I discover he got up last night and masturbated. I really want to support him and how he pleasures himself.. he won’t talk to me about it because he says his mother shamed him a lot so he’s not open to me about it. I just don’t know how much more I can take of him denying me and then turning around and pleasing himself with porn. We tried having porn on while we f*ck and it didn’t add anything special to our mood so we haven’t done that in a long time. I’m not anti-porn, I watch it myself when I’m alone and he’s not home and I have fun. I’ve watched it with him too.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can either be more supportive or just get over him doing it? To me it boils down to him saying no to me because he’s “too tired” but then waking up and going to do it himself with porn. It hurts. But if it’s what he wants/needs I want to support that. Thank you so much if you’ve read this and have anything to suggest.
Hello!
So, let me start by saying your feelings are valid. It can be hurtful to think your mate doesn’t find you desirable. But I would also like to pose a different outlook on the situation that might offer some relief. His reason for masturbation has nothing to do with you at all. That’s it, that’s the post. It is important to recognize that a person’s drive to pleasure themselves and their drive to have sex with another person can be completely different. Meaning he can be sexually attracted to you AND still enjoy regular masturbation. Your partner watching porn and masturbating is not a rejection of you in most cases, it’s simply him having time to himself.
Also, old habits die hard, you said he’s been a bachelor most of his adult life and I’m willing to bet he’s satisfied a lot of his sexual urges solo. Another big piece of advice would be to stop pressuring him to join in. It’s irritating, truthfully I was a little like, “Chile, leave that man alone” while reading your message. Couples do not have to experience EVERY sexual act together. Trust me, if and when he wants you to join in he will wake you up, he doesn’t need a weekly reminder.
Which brings me to another point he’s not talking to you about it because you make him feel as though masturbating is wrong. As he told you previously, his mother made him feel shame around it as a kid, therefore when you berate him after the fact this re-traumatizes it for him. Which causes him to shut down and not talk at all. I’m not saying you can’t address it because you’re allowed to be concerned being that it is affecting your relationship but you must approach it from a different angle. Instead of a “what’s wrong with me, why won’t you have sex with me” outlook, try it from an understanding compromise point of view.
Acknowledge what’s been going on in a fact-focused way. Say something like “I’ve noticed we haven’t been having as much sex as I’d like. I’ve also noticed you masturbate often, and though the two may not be related, I’ve been feeling rejected from your lately.” Then suggest ways to work on the problem. If wanting more sex together as a couple is the end goal then maybe talk about having a sex schedule. It’s also equally important to allow him space to offer his own solutions as well. If you don’t remember anything else, remember this his wanting to masturbate is not a reflection of his desire for you!
Hope this helps!
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. To submit your sex questions email her at ashley@sexwithashley.com
