Signs Your Ego Is Ruling Your Life
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“Check your ego.” “You have a huge ego.” “He’s an egotistical maniac.” These are some of the phrases in which we hear the word “ego”used. When we talk about someone whose ego is out of control, we say that because the ego is an unavoidable part of the human psyche – it can’t be eliminated, it can just be controlled. And controlling it can make for a peaceful life with happy relationships. But ego is something that is usually seeking to take over. It goes against our instincts to control it and not let it lead us all of the time. Your ego, after all, wants you to do what serves you, above everyone else, and what offers instant gratification. Objectively speaking, that sounds pretty good, right? But when you actually live that way, you find that while there are some short-term benefits, the larger implications are all negative.
The truth is that those who do allow their egos to rule their lives don’t even normally know they’re doing it. They don’t realize that they’ve let the wrong part of them steer the ship – only everyone around them, who suffers for it, can tell what’s going on. That being said, there are some pretty clear patterns that arise in one’s life when they let their ego get the best of them. To get a professional look at this issue, we turned to mental health expert Lacrisha Holcomb (pictured below). Holcomb is a healing coach and author of Diagnosis Consciousness.
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Breaking it down in psychological terms
Holcomb reminds us that the word “ego” is often misused in popular culture (and for simplicity’s sake, we’ll continue to use it the way it’s come to be known). “One of the most popular psychology theories about the ego, Sigmund Freud’s analytic take, is that it embodies three elements of our personality: the ‘id,’ ‘ego,’ and ‘superego.’ If we were to think about it in stages of development, the ‘id’ is the child, the ‘ego’ is the adult, and the ‘superego’ is the parent.” When we talk about the ego, we usually ascribe traits to it that are actually more of the id – childish, demanding, and temperamental.
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Who is running the show?
“The ‘id’ is self-serving, instinctive, and ruled by the pleasure principle, almost like a child having a tantrum. The ‘ego’ is based on reality and more rational as it is the middle ground between the demands made by the ‘id’ and ‘superego.’ The ‘superego’ is like a scolding parent who encourages the mature, correct, highest, and most moral decision to be made in every circumstance,” Holcomb explains. “A simpler way to conceptualize it is viewing the ‘id’ like the devil on one shoulder, you (the ego) in the middle, and the ‘superego’ as the angel on the other shoulder.” Those who we call “egotistical” tend to listen to their ‘id’ more than anything else.
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The ego hates mirrors
Holcomb explains how letting our ego make all the calls can make a person very difficult to talk to because all the egotistical person wants is to avoid pain. “It [ego] can refer to our sense of self-worth or self-esteem. Overall, it is safe to say the ego is basically a bridge between our unconscious and conscious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors,” she says. “Serving the ego above all else can make us bad communicators when it comes to conflict in relationships because the ego as we are using it here, is selfish. The ego craves what feels good most instantly and is quick to blame others rather than pause or self-reflect.”
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The ego keeps score
Holcomb brings up some common relationship disputes – about spending money, and spending time – and how the ego-driven individual handles them by keeping exact score of the quantifiable things, rather than tending to the emotional elements that really matter. “For example, a disagreement about ‘who should pay for the pizza this time’ can quickly escalate into a tedious recalling of past expenses and who has spent more money overall in a relationship. This can also be applied to time. An ego-driven response would say, ‘I’ve showed up to x, y, and z events for you, but you have not supported me since ____.’”
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Scorekeeping is a defense mechanism
The ego-driven individual may keep score of the things one can actually count – like who spent what or who showed up for what event – because there is some sense of safety in that, Holcomb says. Trying to instead measure emotional generosity is far more complicated, and for that reason, scary. “This kind of fear and abandonment-based record-keeping can cause friction, damage intimacy, and stir up negative defensive feelings in both parties,” she says. “The ego in this sense may treat relationships in a transactional manner to meet a certain need but be hesitant to invest emotionally or any other way due to unresolved personal issues.”
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Your ego wants you to stay stuck
Holcomb went a bit into how letting your ego rule your life prevents much emotional growth. Since the ego’s entire goal is to avoid pain, and pain is an inevitable part of personal growth, it’s easy to see how that happens. “Serving our ego hinders growth because it views anything that does not feel good or cannot be controlled as weakness from a place of abandonment and fear,” she says. “The ego is repulsed by rejection, whether that is due to low self-esteem, insecurities, or other sensitive issues that the individual may be in avoidance of. Ego would rather pretend an issue does not exist than to admit neglecting it or being able to improve.”
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Ego is about control
When a person lives in their ego, they will live in a way that’s anything but spontaneous or genuinely in the moment. They calculate every moment. They manipulate situations to determine the outcome. There is a sense of safety in that for the ego, but it also robs one of much real connection. “Some people live in the ego because it feels safer and more controlled. Being strategic in interactions, avoidant, and dishonest postpones necessary communications, vulnerability, and outcomes that could result in unpredictable and emotionally hurtful results,” Holcomb says.
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“It’s your fault I’m this way”
If the egotistical person appears emotionally withholding, they will likely blame everyone else for that dynamic. They will say that others have let them down, or not proven worthy of emotional intimacy. As Holcomb puts it, “People who are ego-driven tend to value quantity of material ‘conquests’ over emotional quality, because they can then attribute lack of depth to shortcomings of other people instead of labeling it self-sabotage and evasion. They may have become accustomed to a mindset of prevention or survival mode. Many may not be aware of these patterns which is where the guidance of a trained helping professional can be instrumental in enhancing awareness and consciousness.”
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Where does it come from?
Living in an ego-driven way doesn’t typically arise out of nowhere. It’s often a response – a defense mechanism – against trauma or some psychological difficulty, according to Holcomb. “Events from childhood, parenting, and trauma can condition our egos. Various theories delve deeper into the implications of ego issues such as exposure to narcissism, unresolved psychosocial crises, and even fragmentation of the personality or identity as the result of trauma.” She adds that ego doesn’t always present as pompous, either. “Previous wounds can manifest as ego-fueled critical self-talk, body-shaming, trust-issues, competitiveness, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, and feelings of having to earn one’s worthiness.”
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Even culture can be to blame
Don’t be surprised if friends who come from other cultures don’t talk much of the ego, or don’t seem to struggle with many egotistical individuals in their communities. To serve the ego is a slightly American thing. “On an even broader scope, American culture and most western civilizations operate from a western lens that pushes for individualism, whereas many indigenous cultures have a collective or community-oriented worldview,” she says. “Individuals are highly susceptible to observational learning and internalize the actions that best suited their survival in their families of origins and other major experiences.” There’s beauty in the American way of encouraging each person to rise up and make the most of their lives, but it’s true that personal ambition necessitates some level of ego that more family-centered cultures may not see.
