Do You Suffer From Mom Rage?
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After becoming a parent, I was on high alert for the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. I had heard all about what I should do if I had thoughts about harming myself or my baby, excessive crying, recurring thoughts of death and suicide, and so on. The emotion that I was not prepared to deal with, however, was intense anger.
The anger came on subtly. I suppose part of that is due to the fact that I suppressed a lot of what I was feeling. I felt like I had to do everything because that’s what mothers do. However, somewhere around my daughter’s first birthday, my anger was explosive. I had all of the patience in the world for my daughter, so most of the time, my spouse was the target. I was pissed almost all of the time and sometimes, I felt as though I needed to leave my house for days in order to come down from my anger. This was out of character for me because for one, I love being at home, and two, I’m not usually a very angry person. After having a serious and blunt conversation with my husband, reestablishing expectations, and abandoning my do-the-most mindset, the anger eventually subsided.
I recently learned that my experience is quite common. In fact, it’s so common that it has a name: “postpartum rage” or “mom rage.”
“Rage is when the anger becomes uncontrollable,” Jen Reddish, a registered master therapeutic counselor tells Today’s Parent. “The anger has overpowered you. You tell yourself you’re not going to slam the door, yell at your kid, or tell your spouse to f*ck off, but when it happens, you can’t stop it.”
It is also important to note that mom rage can extend well beyond the postpartum period. Signs and symptoms can include angry outbursts, cursing more than usual, screaming, throwing objects, punching objects, and difficulty keeping your temper in check.
Since you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance that you can probably relate in some way. Click to the next page to find out what causes mom rage in the first place.
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Lack of sleep
While hormonal fluctuations stemming from childbirth can result in intense emotions, including anger, there are other factors that can contribute to this condition as well. One of the leading causes is a lack of sleep. It’s no secret that most moms are sleep-deprived. When you are unable to rest properly, you are unable to function at maximum capacity. You’re tired, irritable, and tend to have a shorter fuse, which can result in poor moods and angry outbursts.
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Previous experiences with postpartum depression or anxiety
According to Healthline, moms who have experienced other disorders on the postpartum mood disorder spectrum, such as postpartum depression or anxiety, may be at increased risk of experiencing postpartum rage. A history of other mental illnesses can also increase a woman’s risk of developing postpartum rage.
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Inadequate support
One of the most common triggers of mom rage is simply experiencing a lack of support. Motherhood is nothing like how it is portrayed in formula or diaper commercials. While rewarding, it is also exhausting and intense. Society programs us to think that mothers have superhuman strength, but the reality is that we can’t do it all and we need help.
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Prioritizing everyone else’s needs
Another problematic mindset pushed onto us by society is that moms have to always sacrifice themselves for their families. Many of us subscribe to this ideology to the point where we basically become martyrs and prioritize everyone else’s needs over our own. Most of the time, this is unsustainable and eventually breeds resentment, anger, and in some cases, health issues.
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Unaddressed trauma
The sometimes-crushing weight of motherhood can make unresolved trauma from the past feel unbearable to live with. If one attempts to be 100 percent responsible for the care and emotional wellness of a helpless and highly dependent human being without taking the steps to properly heal themselves, they can begin to feel suffocated by their new responsibilities. This can result in an uncontrollable rage.
Now that we’ve explored some of the triggers, let’s talk about how to cope.
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Therapy
The best and most effective way to determine the root cause of postpartum rage is to connect with a therapist. Not only can they help you to discover your triggers, but they can also equip you with tools that can help you to deal with those intense feelings when they arise so that you are less likely to lash out.
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Self-awareness and transparency
Developing a sense of self-awareness around your rage episodes, understanding what’s setting you off, and then having transparent conversations with loved ones can help. It’s important to be honest enough with yourself so that first, you can admit that your outbursts are abnormal and unhealthy for your family’s emotional wellbeing. From there, you can make a commitment to finding better ways to cope. Journaling about your episodes can help.
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Tangible support from loves ones
People love to say, “I’m here if you need me.” However, an essential component to dealing with mom rage is receiving tangible support from loved ones. Moral support is nice, but what’s really going to lighten the load is loved ones stepping in to physically help on a regular basis.
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Spend time alone
As much as we love our kids, it’s unhealthy to never spend time apart. Moms need alone time to decompress and regroup. In a perfect world, a loved one could keep the kids for a weekend out of the month. However, just having an hour or two to run errands alone while your partner stays home with the kids can help.
