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In a perfect world, you’d find a soul mate who makes just as much as you do, but in reality, this happens much less often than you’d think. A 2019 survey conducted by Business Insider and Morning Consult found that 44 percent of coupled participants were either married to or in a relationship with a partner who made less than them while 30 percent were partnered with a person who made more. When you add it all up, 74 percent of people reported that they’d experienced some sort of income imbalance in their relationship while only 26 percent said that they made about the same amount of money as their partner.
While many would assume that having a partner with a significantly higher income is not as much of a problem as having a partner with a significantly lower income, it turns out that dramatic income disparities among couples, regardless of which end of the spectrum they fall on, can result in unexpected conflicts in relationships. Here are four ways that these issues manifest:
Resentment
When one partner makes significantly more than another, more than likely, they will be spending much more on living expenses and supporting the couple’s lifestyle. If the breadwinner has adopted a “what’s mine is ours” mindset, then all will be well. However, when the breadwinner has a heightened awareness of their financial contributions in comparison to that of their partner’s, resentment can grow.
“Each time the underearner feels disempowered, it builds a brick of resentment.” psychotherapist Kate Levinson, Ph.D., author of Emotional Currency explained in an interview with LearnVest.
Guilt
Similarly, when the partner with lower earning potential develops an increased awareness of the income gap that exists in their relationship, feelings of guilt may occur. In many instances, the partner may begin to feel bad that they are not able to financially contribute to the relationship in the manner that their companion is able to and may try to overcompensate in other areas.
Imbalanced decision-making
A significant income disparity within a relationship or marriage can also lead to an unhealthy power dynamic. One party may feel as though they should have more of a say in decision-making since they are the primary breadwinner. Adding to that dynamic, the other party may feel that they have less of a say since they don’t make as much. Over time, the partner with lower income may feel as though they do not have a voice within the relationship and that they have little control over their life.
Distrust
Dramatic income gaps in a relationship may also serve as a breeding ground for distrust. In some cases, the breadwinner may internally (or externally) question their partner’s motives for being in the relationship. They may wonder if their partner actually loves them or is only around for what they stand to gain.
Of course, imbalanced income doesn’t spell out trouble for every relationship. And for those in which it does, that still does not mean that the partnership is doomed. The first step to overcoming this hurdle is open communication about money and joint decision-making.
“A wage gap can impact the lower earner’s self-esteem, or it may be that the higher earner thinks they have more control, or that they should make the decisions about holidays or big purchases,” account and personal finance coach Anna Goodwin told Yahoo Finance. “The key is to communicate and respect each other even if the one person brings less money into the household. The biggest thing is to talk about it.”
And most importantly, partners must be committed to respect that is not contingent upon income. While easier said than done in some cases, couples may be able to accomplish this goal through marital and financial counseling.
