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Discovering a spouse’s infidelity is very similar to suffering a loss in some ways. Regardless of whether you chose to leave or stay and work things out, the marriage as you once knew it is over and you are forced to endure that loss.
“In cases of betrayal, sometimes people don’t understand the principles of grief and loss that are at play which complicate recovery,” explained Dr. Lori Schade in an essay posted to her blog.
Dr. Schade went on to share that infidelity is so much like a loss or death because the betrayed partner is “grieving the marriage she thought she had but doesn’t have and will never get back—the marriage in which her partner stayed faithful to her.”
If you subscribe to the notion that discovering a spouse’s betrayal can feel like experiencing a death, then it’s important to recognize that the betrayed party will ultimately have to go through a similar grief process.
The Kübler-Ross model or the five stages of grief describes the series of emotions that a person goes through after suffering a traumatic loss or terminal illness. While it’s important to note that not everyone experiences the stages in a linear fashion, we must all go through this pattern of adjustment after suffering a tremendous loss.
Denial
It is typically during this stage that you are so shocked by the discovery of your partner’s infidelity that your mind struggles to grasp what has happened. If your partner has chosen to lie about what has taken place despite the obvious and damning evidence you have against them, it is usually during this stage that you will try to explore the possibility of the lie being true — no matter how terrible it is. You may begin to question things that you have witnessed with your own two eyes and ears as you struggle to come to terms with the fact that your life partner has betrayed you in such a major way.
Ironically, the experts at Psycom reason that the denial stage is actually an important part of the process as it can help to keep you from becoming overwhelmed.
“Denial aids in pacing your feelings of grief. Instead of becoming completely overwhelmed with grief, we deny it, do not accept it, and stagger its full impact on us at one time,” explained Christina Gregory, Ph.D. “Think of it as your body’s natural defense mechanism saying ‘Hey, there’s only so much I can handle at once.” Once the denial and shock start to fade, the start of the healing process begins. At this point, those feelings that you were once suppressing are coming to the surface.”
Anger
Once the shock of the betrayal wears off, feelings of anger begin to take hold. You will likely experience intense feelings of anger towards your spouse as well as the other party who played a role in the affair. You may begin to question your faith.
“Researchers and mental health professionals agree that this anger is a necessary stage of grief. And encourage the anger,” Gregory explained. “It’s important to truly feel the anger. It’s thought that even though you might seem like you are in an endless cycle of anger, it will dissipate – and the more you truly feel the anger, the more quickly it will dissipate, and the more quickly you will heal.”
Bargaining
The bargaining stage can be one of the most painful parts of the process because it is typically when the guilt begins to creep in. It is during this stage that many partners will begin to question what they could have done differently or even blame themselves for pushing their spouse into the arms of another.
Depression
The depression stage can look different from person to person, but it is generally marked by crying spells, withdrawal, feelings of numbness, difficulty getting out of bed each day, difficulty sleeping, and other symptoms that are consistent with depression.
Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance. During this stage, the intense emotions maybe begin to somewhat subside. And although the pain is still there, it becomes easier to function and focus on day-to-day tasks. As Gregory points out, it is during this stage that you begin to realize that you’re going to be okay.
