This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody helps a woman who is struggling with her sex life in light of her husband’s obesity and his lack of interest. Read on and weigh in:
Dear Luv Coach,
I am a 46 year old, recently re-married woman who has a problem. My husband has recently gained so much weight that he’s unable to perform sexually. Even before the weight gain, our sex life was less than satisfying to me, but I dealt with it because it was part of the package. To top things off, his daughter and grand-daughter recently moved in with us, so there isn’t much chance of us having a romantic evening together. I was single for so long, it is very hard for me to want to stay married to him. Right now I am the only one in the house working, so that adds another layer of frustration on this situation.
In all honesty, I am not physically attracted to him. I am not aroused by him, but one reason I got married was to be able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. I have asked him to work out with me, or even go walking with me. Nothing. I have encouraged him to have surgery to begin the weight loss process, nothing. The last time we tried to be intimate, his stomach got in the way, if you know what I mean?
I just want some suggestions about what I can do to keep myself from going crazy and perhaps some ways to find relief from this situation. Thank you.
-Lauri
Dear Lauri,
Sexual dissatisfaction and frustration is a difficult issue in a relationship, because usually the lack of sexual connection is rooted in some deeper problem. There is a reason why your husband has let himself go, and an underlying problem that he isn’t addressing. He may feel that he isn’t fulfilling his role as the man of the house since you are the one supporting everyone, or he may be suffering from some type of depression. This can lead one to be self destructive, choosing to no longer take care of themselves, using food as comfort, or disregarding their health. What ever the underlying issue may be, he needs to get professional help. It’s time to sit him down and have a serious talk.
Ask him how he is feeling about life; how he feels about being jobless; how he feels about you being the bread winner in the family; and how he feels about his daughter and granddaughter moving in. It sounds like he may be eating his feelings, instead of sharing them, and this is affecting his self esteem and his waist line. If he chooses to share his feelings with you, let him know that you understand how he feels, and anyone in his position would feel the same. Work on listening to what he says and let him know that he isn’t alone. He needs help and he will need a professional to work through what ever is causing him to detach from life. Let him know that it’s time to see a therapist, so he can get the help he needs, and that you will be there supporting him all the way. He has to choose to address the real issues, so he can get back on track with living an emotionally, physically and sexually healthier life.
You also need to address the role you play in enabling him to eat the types of food that cause weight gain. Turn your household into a “NO Processed Food Zone.” Let everyone know that you want to get healthy, and you want to invite the whole family to join you in eating well. Only buy fresh fruit, vegetables, and lean meats, and make healthy snacks and meals. Ask that everyone respect your household by not bringing in any items that are processed and full of sugar or sodium. Let your husband know that you need his support, so that you can do this successfully, and then ask if he will help you.
As for sexual satisfaction, you’re going to have to take care of your own physical needs until you two get back to a healthier place. He needs to get help to work on his emotional issues, and figure out why he has lost his desire to take care of himself. In the mean time, I recommend that you turn to toys for sexual release, and turn to your husband for emotional intimacy. You two can still maintain an intimate connection, while he works on himself, and finding the time to be alone is paramount to doing that. Ask him to work out a time and an activity the two of you can do together. It will be your date time, and have him come up with an idea once a week. Let him know that you are depending on him to take care of you in this situation, so that he feels you still need him.
This is a difficult time in your marriage, and it’s easy to want to walk away and blame the other person for ruining it. When you made your vows you chose to be there for him through good times and in bad. This is one of those bad times, and you have to do everything in your power, and ask that he do everything within his power to make things work. You have to address that there is truly a problem that needs fixing, and you two need to discuss what you both want in this relationship, so that you are in line with working on making it a reality. Be gentle and honest with each other when you address it, and don’t play the blame game. Remind him that you two are a team, and work on figuring out how you two can solve these issues together.
Best of luck,
Rebecca Brody, The Luv Coach
Previous Luv Coach: I’m In Love With My Neighbor, But He Won’t Offer Anything More Than Sex
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Rebecca Brody is a certified life empowerment coach with an expertise in love and relationships. She currently has a private practice in New York city and works with clients across the USA. For more musing from The Luv Coach go to www.TheLuvCoach.com.
