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“Can I confess something to you?” a girlfriend recently asked me. “Sure,” I said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life—how I would feel like I had the most purpose and would put my skills and passion to use. And I think I know what it is. I think I’ve known for quite some time. But I’ve been embarrassed to say it for fear that it’s, I don’t know, not feminist.” At this point, I have no idea what she’s going to say. But she continues: “I want to be a homemaker. I just love the idea of creating a warm and supportive space for my husband and children. Making nourishing meals for them and creating traditions. Tutoring my kids and helping them learn other things in the evening like a second language or an instrument. I want to manage a household.”
It made me so sad that my friend felt this had to be a confession—like it was a dirty secret. Is this what our society has come to? Has feminism become so backwards—so perverted—that we make women feel bad for wanting to make a nice home environment for their family? I can only imagine that any “feminist” who scoffs at that probably enjoyed a nice home environment created by a parent, and doesn’t even realize how much work went into that. I have—and I hate to say it—seen how, oftentimes, we can misuse the term “Feminist” to cover up something that’s just ugly, like…hating men or…apparently…despising homemakers.
“I don’t want people to see me as a kept woman,” my friend added. Woah, woah, woah. “Stop right there,” I said. “A kept woman and a homemaker are two very different things.” But, if my friend fears people would make the mistake, maybe it’s because our society at large does believe that if a woman doesn’t make money for her household that she…does nothing. And that simply isn’t true. Here are the critical differences between a homemaker and a kept woman.
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A homemaker decorates
A homemaker goes to the stores and handpicks things to create an ambiance—an environment—in her home. She’s waiting in the lines. She’s walking through the aisles. She’s putting thought and effort into what decorative items would create a feeling of home for her family.
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A kept woman hires a decorator
A kept woman hires an interior decorator, just gives her a huge budget, and lets her pick out whatever she deems trendy or fashionable—or whatever the celebrities are doing. There is no heart put into it. Her home looks like one from a catalogue, but not like her unique home. Someone else designed it.
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A homemaker cooks
A homemaker is busy away in the kitchen, making the packed lunches and preparing dinner. She’s keeping track of what’s missing in the kitchen—what needs to be restocked and what needs to be moved from the fridge to the freezer. She’s making sure there are healthy snacks around. She finds creative ways to use the ingredients she has.
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A kept woman hires a chef
A kept woman hires a chef. She throws out food she doesn’t feel like eating because she doesn’t understand the money and time that went into it. She orders a lot of delivery and takeout. She wants to dine out as much as possible. She doesn’t interact with the ingredients in the home or know what they are.
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A homemaker helps with homework
A homemaker is deeply involved in the education of her children. She may even homeschool them. But she certainly sits with them when they do their homework. She also takes on extracurriculars with them, teaching them a second language or teaching them to play an instrument. She’s on the PTA and she helps serve the hot lunch at school.
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A kept woman hires a tutor
A kept woman doesn’t really know what’s happening in her children’s education. She just hires whatever tutor her other friends have hired. She doesn’t volunteer at the school. She’s barely seen on campus. She doesn’t know what projects her kids are currently working on.
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A homemaker plays with her kids
A homemaker knows it’s important to have fun and share affection with her kids. She plans fun things to do with them, as a family, on the weekends. She plans things like family game night. She generally is playful and affectionate and spends a lot of time with her children.
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A kept woman has a nanny for that
A kept woman just has a nanny entertain the kids. A kept woman goes on trips and to day spas with her husband on the weekend, and has the nanny take the kids off her hands then. A kept woman asks the nanny to play with the kids at night and read them bedtime stories so she can continue drinking wine with her friends.
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A homemaker is up bright and early!
A homemaker sets an alarm and gets up at the same time each day—bright and early—as if she’s reporting for work. She needs to be up to attend to the needs of her family, like making breakfast, packing lunches, helping kids with last-minute touches on their school projects, and so on.
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A kept woman sleeps like a teenager
A kept woman sleeps until she damn well pleases. She doesn’t need to be present for the daily activities. The nanny is there for that. She wakes up to a breakfast that’s been made for her by the personal chef or nanny. She doesn’t use alarm clocks.
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A homemaker prioritizes the home
A homemaker puts the home first. Her home is warm, beautiful, clean (she cleans it herself), organized, and like a well-oiled machine. Herself? Well, she’s always long overdue for a spa day or a visit to the salon and maybe makes it to the gym once a week—maybe. The home goes before her.
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A kept woman prioritizes herself
A kept woman puts herself before all else. She isn’t going to pick up the kids from school or clean a bathroom if it interferes with her Pilates class or salon appointment or Botox injections. She is flawless. Well, her house is too, but she pays other people to keep it that way.
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A homemaker manages the household
She compares pricing on gardeners and tutors. She manages the bills. She creates budgets. She keeps calendar reminders of things that need to be fixed or attended to. A home is a business and a homemaker runs it. She needs a home office because she has hundreds of documents to look over.
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A kept woman just spends
A kept woman doesn’t really know what the household budget is. She just asks her partner how much she’s allowed to spend on her own things like shopping or entertainment. Or she doesn’t ask and she just uses the credit card how she pleases. She has no idea what goes into financially keeping a home.
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A homemaker works a 15-hour day
A homemaker works a longer day than the partner who brings home the bacon. She’s up to help everyone—including her partner—get ready for their days. And then she is there to help them unwind and to support their after-work/after-school endeavors. Her workday goes from about 7am to 10pm.
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A kept woman waits through the work day
A kept woman, well, she basically just waits for her partner’s workday to be over so they can go out to dinner or do something fun together. She doesn’t work a day—she waits for someone else’s day to be over. I guess she technically works out for an hour or two, to stay fit.
