Bringing My Socially-Anxious Partner On My Family Vacation - Page 14

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I have a partner with social anxiety. I’ve always known this about him. I’d even say that, while I obviously wish for his sake that he didn’t have it, his anxiety is also part of what makes us work. I’m the opposite of anxious. He’s always amazed at how I stay calm and collected in the middle of chaos. We’ll leave a party or some other scenario where there are lots of people, and my partner will list all of the dynamics that were causing him stress. And I’ll say, “Huh, I didn’t even notice that.” And I didn’t. Then I’ll tell him about all of the fun or endearing interactions I had, totally disregarding whatever he’s freaking out about, and he’ll laugh and say, “You’re good for me.”

In our regular life, we just understand each other. I pick up on his moods. I know how to prevent potential anxiety-ridden situations for him. I can usually tell what’s going on with him. But, like I said, that’s in our regular life. There are some out-of-the-ordinary situations when my partner’s anxiety can really flare up, and I don’t feel I have as much control to help him. Being around my family, particularly when we all travel together, is definitely one of those situations. Every year my dad takes me, my sister, my brother, and each of our respective significant others on a ski trip. It’s very generous of my dad. And what could go wrong, right? Well we all know that family dynamics can be tricky. Our family isn’t always who we’d choose to hang with, if we had a choice. So when we’re all stuck in one house together for a few days, that can be particularly stressful on my partner who has social anxiety. Here’s a look at that.

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The room selection

Checking into our AirBnb and deciding who would stay in what room was a whole ordeal. Even after everyone assured and double assured us that they were all happy with their room assignments, my boyfriend pulled me aside to say that he feared someone actually wanted our room and wasn’t saying anything and would resent it all weekend. So I had to go confirm, again, that everyone was definitely okay with the room arrangements.

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Any conflict upset him

It’s family so, some people bump heads. They don’t even bump heads that much in this particular group, but if there was any little conflict, my partner would get really uncomfortable, pull me into our room, and say he didn’t know what to do or if it was polite for him to be out in the common areas.

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Perceived conflict

My partner also perceives conflict that isn’t here. When we were all just deciding where to eat, he suggested one place, and my sister said in a very neutral tone—not angry but also not cheery—“That’s fine.” Then my boyfriend spent the rest of the evening convinced she was pissed at him for choosing the restaurant, and certain everything she said to him was passive aggressive.

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Money matters

Money comes up a lot on vacation. My dad paid for the cabin. We were all going out to meals and doing grocery runs in different groups. Every single outing that involved spending money ended with my partner fixating on the idea that one person may have felt they were screwed over and that somebody was resenting not being paid back enough.

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The social obligation

If I suggested that my partner and I—just the two of us—go do something, like take a nice walk, he’d worry and say, “Well, won’t that seem antisocial? Your dad paid for this cabin and we’re just going for a walk without him. We should invite him on the walk. I don’t want everyone to think we’re rude.” It was just a walk.

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Being helpful and acknowledged

It’s very important to my partner that he not feel like a lazy mooch in those situations. So he was constantly trying to do something helpful—clean dishes, take out the trash, help someone work the TV—and then, later, he’d regularly ask me if he’d been helpful enough and worry that people hadn’t noticed him helping.

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His nerves wear on me

I know my family. Everything my partner thought was a big deal, I knew wasn’t a big deal. But if I tried to assure him of that, or tell him, “You don’t need to worry” he would read it as my disregarding his feelings, or saying he was being dramatic. So I had to indulge his every freak-out and it got hard on my nerves.

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So I’d ignore, and feel bad

I’d reach a boiling point of not being able to take on my partner’s newest batch of anxiety. I started to just shut down when I could sense him creating all of these fake things that he believed had gone wrong in the social dynamic. So I’d start to be cold and dismissive of him. But then I’d feel terrible because, hey, he took this time to be with my family. And he can’t help his anxiety.

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Uncomfortable silences

During a long trip when you all stay in the same place, there are bound to be times when some people who don’t know each other that well will wind up running an errand together or being in the same room together. My boyfriend wanted me to stay with him if he, say, went to the grocery store with my brother because he feared he wouldn’t have enough to say to him.

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Managing others’ questions

Naturally, my family noticed all of these sidebars my partner would want to have with me, and how he seemed generally tense. So they’d continuously ask me if he was okay. And I would have to try to find a tactful way of saying he was just a little nervous about making a good impression.

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Prescribed secrecy

All along, my partner has been telling me, “And please don’t tell everyone I have anxiety because they don’t need to know that. And then they won’t take me seriously when I’m worried about something. And also, this thing I’m upset about has nothing to do with my anxiety—it’s normal.”

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Struggling to relax

You can start to take on your partner’s anxiety when you’re in close quarters, and when you feel obligated to manage it—which you do when you bring your anxious partner to your family vacation. So I started having a hard time relaxing on the trip, just watching my partner interact with my family, wondering what he might panic about next.

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The life questions

Three days together in a cabin leaves for plenty of time for people to ask questions like, “So, when are you two getting married?” and “So, how’s your business going? How well is that paying? What’s the plan there?” You can imagine this came up multiple times with my dad, and sent my partner into a panic.

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A resolve to never do it again

At the end of these trips, my partner and I are both pretty irritated with each other. He’s irritated by, well, everything as he has anxiety. And I’m irritated from taking care of his anxiety all weekend. I make a little vow to just go on family trips solo in the future. But then that family vaca invitation will come around next year, and I know I’ll want my boo with me.