From an early age, we are inundated with messages about the importance of abstinence, and the consequences of engaging in intercourse before marriage. As black women, we are scrutinized by society, by our communities and our church when it comes to conversations around sex and intimacy. I thought it was important to dialogue with black women on why they decided not to wait and learn what being intimate has meant to them.
“Before college I had very limited experiences when it came to sex. I had sex with the first guy who told me I was pretty because I finally felt control of my body and my decisions. But as I got to understand sex for the more sacred experience I do now, I’m happy to know it as a very empowering experience.”
“So, all I can think about is how I feel like I DID wait. I waited until I felt I was ready. There was neither any pressure (from the guy) to do it, nor did I feel rushed into it. I was 20 and fully comfortable with my decision to do it and who I did it with. I felt I shouldn’t be adhering to societal pressures to wait for “the one” nor did I feel any pressure to hurry up and get it done because “most people do it in high school”. You can’t predict when that “one” will come around. To be honest, if I had waited for “the one” I would STILL be a virgin. That would have been my biggest regret. Sex is beautiful. It’s like no other human experience. It illuminates part of your body and brain like nothing else does. It’s necessary for my mental and physical health. Especially as a developing adult, it can teach you self worth and love. It can teach you how to create boundaries. It can give you confidence. All I was thinking was that I was young, and in college, and I didn’t plan anything. When the moment arrived (with this cute international man) I was just ready. And wanted it. And there has never been a single regret. It opened me up to being happy with being single and free to choose who and when I have sex with. Since then, I’ve never felt any pressure or hesitance when it came to having sex. It was always my choice to make. It’s actually pretty liberating.”
“I was raised to believe you should give everything a try. You’ll never know if you’ll like it or not. Now I’m pretty sure this wasn’t meant to be applied to sex when my mother said it but that’s what I did. I’ve had mind numbingly beautiful sex, deeply primal sex and god awful sex and all of it has taught me the full range of sexual experiences that are available. Choosing to have sex before marriage has given me the opportunity to choose exactly what I want out of my relationships and for myself. I don’t have to settle for one type of sex. I can pinpoint and say, this is the exact type of sex I want to be having for the rest of my life and no one can tell me otherwise. It gives me a sexual freedom, domain and liberation I would otherwise wouldn’t have had access to on my own.”
“I learned at an early age that sex will tell you everything you need to know about a person. And as I got older, I’ve came to terms with me being impatient and my time is not to be wasted.
Immediately, there’s an auric connection with someone you’re sexually intimate with – the silver lining is acknowledging it. Most people try to act too cool and act like they aren’t phased; I really don’t have the time for that so let’s just have sex right now so I can see how corny you are upfront. Being attracted to both sexes made me realize a significant difference when it comes to sex – vulnerability. It either makes people fragile or liberated; personally, I choose the latter.
Having sex upfront has led to the ending of 4 months in ‘friendship limbo’ while other times led to a 3 year monogamous relationship. In both cases, I’m really glad I didn’t wait.”