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“Girl, just do you.”
This phrase, voiced by so many women who are already in relationships, can get redundant and frustrating for single gals. A lot of women like to say they were minding their own business, not desiring love or relationships, perfectly cured of any issues preventing them from “wholeness” when they met the one. But, single women who watch their friends get boo’d up, know that a lot of times these new partnerships are not happening under ideal and perfect conditions–they just lucked up.
Nevertheless, single women get inundated with all kinds of advice on what to do “while they wait.” The “do you” advice can get particularly annoying for the career woman who stays “doing her” by owning her home, paying her bills, and enjoying a slew of hobbies. So hearing generic advice about what single ladies do to become partnered from friends in relationships can get old really fast,
“People in long-term relationships often sound like baby boomers to me,” Tom Ella, dating expert and one of the hosts of The Undesirables dating podcast, told Bustle. “They’ll give you dating advice equivalent to your dad telling you to print out your resume and ‘pound the pavement’ to find a job in 2019. It feels weird to say that a staple human activity as timeless as dating can change, but it really can. Dating apps, the #MeToo movement, the Great Recession — all changed the landscape dramatically.”
So what to do when your single friend is venting about their dating mishaps? Just listen. Don’t insert your own experience or judgements about why life is unfolding for them, just receive.
“It’s so simple,” Cherlyn Chong, dating coach for professional women, told Bustle. “Just listen, and you’ll find out a lot about your friend’s worries, fears, and expectations.”
Once you listen, you can better gauge what your friend can do that is in their control. We can’t change if people want to partner with us forever, but we can be more discerning about who and what we engage with.
“Ask your friend if they’re really changing their strategy or if they’re doing the same things that aren’t working for them over and over again,” Stef Safran, a matchmaking and dating expert, told Bustle.
If all else fails, empathy goes a long way.
“Often advice can feel patronizing and blaming — suggesting that they’re single because of their own behaviors,” Dr. Marisa Franco, relationship expert who has a PhD in counseling psychology, told Bustle. “Instead of advice, offer empathy and emphasize their worth.” Sometimes all someone really needs is encouragement. They may just need to hear something like, “Dating is really hard and you’re doing the best you can. You definitely deserve someone who’s just as great as you are.”
It’s okay to put healthy, communicated space between you and your friend if there are some habits and behaviors you see as contributing to their dating woes that they refuse to break. Compassionate attachment, which is the practice of being present without wrapping your own emotions up in their drama, will be key here.
“Don’t be upset if the other person doesn’t agree or doesn’t end up following your advice exactly (or at all),” Ella said. “It may have been great advice, but everyone needs to make their own choices and handle things their own way.” I
