Ask a Very Smart Brotha: Sprung Off That Thang
Dear Very Smart Brotha,
Hello (waves) I need your advice. I am 21 yr old college student, and of course there is this guy that confuses the hell out of me. We met this past summer and have been seeing each other pretty frequently since then. Our relationship did turn sexual pretty early on, but it is definitely more than just sex. We spend a lot of time together just talking, hanging, laughing etc. He recently asked me if I loved him, and I told him yes, but its the type of love that I have for all of my friends (I am not in love with him). A few days after that during a romp I accidentally blurted out “I love you” in the heat of the moment (covers face), and it must have freaked him out, because afterwards we had a very long talk. He basically said that he’s not ready for a relationship, but he doesn’t want me out of his life, and not just for sex. He has said this type of thing before, but his actions say something TOTALLY different. I would love to be in a relationship with him eventually, but I don’t want to pressure him. I’m ok with giving him time, but I can’t wait around forever. My feelings for him are very strong, and I know they will only continue to grow, please tell me something!!
Addicckted to Love
From causing you to speak in tongues and allow cats with suspended licenses to drive your whip to frying bacon butt naked at 4am and insincere proclamations of love, orgasm induced mental discumbobulation is, as you’ve surely found out, a Beyotch. Don’t feel too bad about it, though. We’ve all been there before, where some especially good lovin’ provided an out of body experience where we’ve literally had to sit back and ask ourselves “Wait…I didn’t just scream ‘MotherFawkin Peaches and Heaven!!!’ right after I climaxed, did I? And, um, why am I barking?”
Thing is, sometimes this orgasm induced mental discumbobulation gives you a clearheadedness, releasing your mental and emotional filters and allowing you to say and do certain things that you’ve always wanted to. In this sense, it’s no different than a couple Long Island Iced Teas on an empty stomach. Maybe you’re not in love with ole boy (yet), but perhaps blurting out “I love you” was your subconscious telling you that you’re catching serious feelings…even though you know you shouldn’t be.
I understand that his words are saying one thing (“I don’t want a serious relationship”) and his actions suggest that he might want something more, but this is a trick that some men use to continue the gravy train of sex and companionship while always having an “out” if she gets too close. This way, if you express that you’ve caught serious feelings, he can pull the “But I told you I didn’t want to have a relationship card” and absolve himself of any guilt or suggestion that he’s leading you on, despite the fact that you’re talking frequently, hanging out, and having sex — things that people who want to be in a relationship do.
If you were happy with this arrangement, I’d suggest that you continue going with the flow. But, you wouldn’t have written in if you were content with the way things are, so I’d advise you to (literally) hop off his package so you can start thinking a little clearer. Perhaps you’ll then be able to see that you’re close to falling for someone who’s probably not going to catch you.
Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
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