When He Has A Kid He Didn’t Know About - Page 9

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There is this unique terror—or perhaps gift—that men can fall victim to that women simply can’t: men can have kids that they don’t know about. Women really can’t do that, unless there is some major chapter of the biology textbook we skipped in my education. When a woman realizes she is pregnant with the child of a man with whom she is no longer involved (and perhaps with whom she doesn’t want to be involved) it’s a complicated situation. It’s not uncommon for women to just not tell the father, and decide to be single mothers. But if a woman does have a child on her own, she may still find that one day, she wants the dad back in the picture. Or, she may find that her child demands to meet his or her father. So, it’s no wonder that sometimes, men discover pretty late that they have kids they didn’t know about. Now what gets really complicated is when you’re with one of those men. It’s happened to a couple of my friends and it can go something like this.

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First, thinking he was lying

You can’t help but have that initial reaction of, “Did he know the whole time and just didn’t want to tell me? So he made up this elaborate lie of not even knowing about the kid himself, once he was ready to introduce me to him?” The whole thing is so shocking and hard to believe, that your brain goes into paranoia mode.

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Then, you’re so mad at the mom

You realize that, no, he wasn’t lying, and that he could probably use your sympathy rather than your suspicions right now. So now your anger turns towards the mother. You feel like she just came in and ruined everything.

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But you realize you can’t be mad at her

You realize you can’t be mad at the mom. She didn’t know your man was, well, your man. She had no idea what he was even up to. And what would you have done if you were in her shoes? If you’d become pregnant under the circumstances in which she did? The situation seems to suck for you, but you know it’s no walk in the park for the child’s mother, either. Or the child.

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Next, wondering if you should bow out

It’s only natural to wonder if you should bow out. Here you were, thinking you and him were just two single people, with no families or obligations, figuring things out. Now it turns out he already has a family? So, should you just…leave?

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Realizing there’s no need to bow out

You realize you don’t need to leave, just because the kid is here. It’s not like he wants to be back with the child’s mother. And, it’s not like there aren’t single or divorced fathers, all around the world, who carry on healthy relationships with women who aren’t their child’s moms. This case just happened a little out of order. But, you can date a man with a kid—there are just things to prepare for.

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Though, he may be a bit distracted

You will, however, find that he is very distracted for quite some time—at least a year if not more. You’ll tell yourself that this new child doesn’t have to change things between you and him, but you’ll quickly realize you’re very wrong. He is, mentally, elsewhere for a while.

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Like, really distracted

This is a whole new responsibility in his life that will take up time, money, and mental energy. Before, you were really the only other person he needed to dedicate any of those resources to. It can take some time to get used to sharing his attention. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

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Where’s your place in all of this?

So, what are you? You’re not a stepmother (unless you are married to the guy). This kid just thought he was going to meet his father—not some random woman, also. Are you supposed to have a relationship with the child? Do you take on some parenting roles?

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The mother could be a terror

Then there’s the matter of the mother. What’s she like? Is she a terror who suddenly wants to drain this man of his financial resources and time? Does she hate that you’re around? Does she want him back? Either way, you will develop some sort of relationship with her. You have no choice.

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You’re not allowed to ask questions

You feel like you’re not allowed to ask questions like, will the child be living with your man part-time? What are the expectations? Is he going to take on partial custody? You know he’s already overwhelmed with answering these questions for himself, so you feel like you can’t demand answers.

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But you have to listen when he needs to talk

While you feel like you can’t ask questions, you do feel like you have to listen whenever he needs to vent. This can leave you very frustrated—you have to be there for him when he needs you but you aren’t allowed to have any needs yourself.

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You wonder if you can handle it

You’ll go through a phase of wondering if this is all a bit too much for you. This, also, does not make you a bad person. There are plenty of women who have a rule against dating men with children. Nobody thinks they’re evil. You just had this sprung on you.

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Everybody tells you that you can’t handle it

Friends and family will be very concerned. They’ll tell you that you should back out, now. They’ll tell you that you’ll fall very far down on his priorities list. They may be wrong, but they’re just worried about you.

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There will be a new equilibrium

Things won’t feel chaotic forever. Like with any huge change in life, a new equilibrium will be reached. You’ll figure out what your place is in all of this. Your partner will get used to being a parent, and he’ll re-find time and focus to dedicate to you.