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moving somewhere for a guy

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Life might throw this tough decision at you one day: your partner must move for a job. Not only must he move for a job, but he must move somewhere that you know nobody, and perhaps where he already has plenty of friends and family. Essentially, you’re giving up everything you’ve built for yourself—friends, professional networks, routines—in order to keep the relationship together, so he can continue to pursue his goals. But, if he absolutely has to move for work, and you can easily get a job anywhere (or at least in the new place), the choice is sort of obvious: you’re packing up, and you’re relocating for him. You’re naturally glad that he already knows people in this new destination, but it creates an imbalance. You’re starting from scratch, and all you have is him. Meanwhile, he already has a community there through work and possibly other friends. Here are some of the realities of moving for his work, to a place you know nobody.

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First off, he has to be the one

You quickly realize that this is only something you’d do for the one. If you’re willing to move for him, you might be struck with the realization—for the first time—that this person really is your person. When there’s no question as to whether or not you’d stay together, you realize you’ve found your life partner. It can be a milestone moment in your relationship.

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If you can imagine life without him…

Meanwhile, if you contemplate the idea of just ending the relationship so you can stay in the city you love, you realize this: this is not your person. You may think it’s normal not to want to move for someone and…well…it’s not abnormal but, when you find your true life partner, you realize you’d never let geography stand in your way of being together. It wouldn’t even cross your mind. You move for each other, over and over again if you must.

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When he wants alone time

Once you’re in the new place, there will be weekends when your guy wants time with his friends or when he simply wants alone time. These are scary for you. He’s sort of your social lifeboat right now. You don’t have your friends or your favorite solo activities yet.

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But you must pretend it’s fine

While it’s scary when your man abandons you for a weekend in a place you don’t know, you have to pretend that it’s totally fine. You don’t want your partner feeling like he has to babysit you all of the time (although you kind of wish he would—at least until you find your friends).

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His friends try to set you up

His friends try to set you up on friend dates with their significant others. Sometimes you welcome this, but sometimes you’re a little exhausted by these forced hangouts. You feel bad saying no, because they’re just trying to help.

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You worry it’s just a pity party

Even when you do find that you like your partner’s friends’ wives and girlfriends, you worry that when they invite you to hang out, they’re just feeling sorry for you. You hate feeling like the center of a pity party.

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If he complains of the job for even a moment

Your partner isn’t really allowed to complain about the job. If he does, you’ll instantly see red because you literally turned your life upside down so he could take this job. So he’d better like it.

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Friends at home resent him

The friends you left back at home resent your partner for taking you away. Even if they visit you, they make little backhanded comments to let him know they’re displeased with him.

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Some friends even see you as weak

Some people actually judge you for moving for a man. They see you as weak—as a follower. Just feel sorry for them. They’ve clearly never had a good, loving relationship—the kind that you move for.

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You give him social homework

When you find something you’d like to do in your new town, it’s especially important that your partner accompany you—particularly if it’s not the kind of thing one does alone. Even when he’s exhausted, he feels pressure to go with you, since he made you move here for him.

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When he won’t accompany you, it’s a fight

When he won’t accompany you to social events and help you build your social life, you can’t help but get angry. You feel like it’s the least he can do for you, seeing as you left everything behind for him.

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You promise you’ll make new couple friends

He promises that you two will make brand new couples friends. That means you’ll befriend couples that neither of you knew before, at all.

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But that’s mostly his friends

Ultimately, you mostly end up hanging out with the friends he already has there—or his colleagues—and their significant others. You will make solo girlfriends on your own, but you may not become couples friends with them and their partners.

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Adults rarely want new friends

Moving to a new city as an adult is hard for the simple fact that adults don’t really want to make new friends. People already have their established circles and don’t really want to make the effort to bring someone else in.

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You have to befriend other expats

You realize your best bet for making new friends is to befriend others who just moved to town. They’ll become your circle. They’ll understand your experiences, and they’ll actually want to form new friendships.

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