What It’s Like To Party When You Have Kids
I don’t have children but I have a few good girlfriends with little ones now and they still like to get together for girls’ night. Even though people who do have kids and don’t have kids can struggle, at first, to keep the friendship alive, if it’s a long-term friend you get over the hump and you make it work. In fact, I like living vicariously through my mommy friends. I get to cuddle and spoil their kids, without having any of the responsibility (and super early mornings). I will say that partying with a mommy is different and funny. At first, I felt like my mom friends were speaking in code when we’d get ready for a girls’ night—they just said a lot of things that seemed to make perfect sense to them but made no sense to me (like, “I have to express before I drink” aka pump milk before they get boozy). Here is what it’s like partying when you have kids.
You pump ahead of time
As mentioned in the intro, nursing mothers have to make sure to pump and dump before drinking. It’s important that their babies have milk ready to go, but that that milk was produced before they imbibed.
Get everything ready for tomorrow
Usually, moms spend the final hour of the night getting things ready for tomorrow like…packing lunches, putting out clothes, making snacks, packing backpacks etc. No mom wants to do that after a few cocktails, so she has to do that before drinking.
You hire a babysitter, even if you’re home
Some of my friends will hire a babysitter, even if they are having girls’ night at their home. They just want to make sure someone sober is in charge of keeping an eye on the kids the entire night.
You wait until they’re asleep
Most moms want to wait until their kids doze off to drink. A lot of moms I know don’t want to drink in front of their children, so they’d prefer to tuck them in, first.
You must be very quiet
Then, everyone must be very quiet. Any loud noise could wake the sleeping kids, and a re-tuck-in can take a half hour.
You ask friends to cut you off
Nobody likes to drink too much but moms especially gotta keep it mellow. So they’ll ask their friends to cut them off at three drinks. They’ll put little notes around that say, “Don’t drink after your third glass of wine.”
You put your booze in a mug
Wine is not consumed from fancy wine glasses. These are fragile. Broken glass in a family home is a no-no. Plus, moms want to hide their cocktails so it’s drank from mugs. Or, sippy cups.
If they need a re-tuck-in, you’re paranoid
Should kids need a re-tuck, or need something from mom after she’s had a few, mom is totally paranoid. She finds herself pretending to be sober, the same way she did when her parents caught her drinking in high school.
You may pass out in their nursery
There is a very good chance mom falls asleep on the floor of her kid’s room, reading him a bedtime story or tucking him back in. Or simply looking at him, because he’s so cute when he sleeps.
You smother your kiddos
When mommies are drunk, their kids are cuter to them than ever—wouldn’t you agree? So if they do interact with their kids, they pinch their cheeks, go into some incoherent rant about how they’re the most perfect things in the world, and kind of embarrass them.
You eat their snacks
Whoops. My mom friends and I have definitely accidentally eaten all their kid’s snacks after having a few. Look, goldfish and pretzels just look really good after four beers.
Do you still have party tops?
Going out can be a bit of a struggle at first. All the old “going out tops” showed boobies. But a mom’s boobies have changed shape and grown quite a bit since breastfeeding so now wearing those tops just doesn’t feel right.
Must not get hangover
Nobody likes a hangover but hangovers are especially hard on mom. Shuttling kids to school, answering all their questions, helping with homework, and all that stuff is brutal with a hangover.
If you’re out, you talk about the kids
My mom friends are really cute—they can’t help but talk a lot about their kids when they’re out at a bar or party. They’ll stop themselves and edit themselves, and try to think of something “cool” to talk about instead.
Don’t change your bedtime
If you’re a mom, you still have to go to bed at pretty much the same time, even if you’ve been drinking. Your kids certainly won’t wait for you to sleep in in the morning.