MadameNoire Featured Video
1 of 15

sex in a relationship

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

I’ve certainly been guilty of letting too much time pass between the times I initiated sex in past relationships. It happens to the best couples. You get tired. You fall into a routine. By the time you make it to bed you just want to pass out. The funny thing is that, I’m finally in a relationship in which I initiate a lot of the sex. For better or for worse. Honestly, sometimes I think I owe my exes an apology—being the one who mostly initiates sex can be exhausting and ego-crushing, and that’s exactly what they experienced. It’s all a balancing act. Sometimes my partner won’t initiate for weeks and sometimes he’ll be the only one. What I will say is that, everyone seems happiest when there is some balance, and it’s not all one-sided efforts. Here are reasons you should initiate sex more in your relationship.


To have more sex

First, let’s just talk numbers. If you start initiating more, then you two will just start having more sex. If all sex relies on his initiating and he’s only doing that once a week, then if you tag in, you could be doing it twice a week—and it’s important for your intimacy.


And think about it more

The more you have it the more you think about it. And the more you think about it, the more you want to have it. It’s a wonderful cyclical thing.


To make him feel desired

You find your partner desirable, right? And doesn’t your partner deserve to know you feel that way? Don’t you like it when he makes you feel desired? Wouldn’t you like to return the favor?


So he doesn’t feel like a predator

Honestly, if he initiates every time, he’s probably starting to feel like a predator. He’s worrying sex is something you just put up with, but not something you enjoy.


So he doesn’t feel jealous

It’s also possible that, if you never initiate, you could provoke paranoia in your partner. He might think that you don’t initiate sex with him because you get what you need by masturbating, alone, to the thought of someone else.


To reduce your hangups

Maybe you don’t initiate because you fear he’ll turn you down. Here’s the thing: he’s a man and that probably won’t happen. In fact, he’ll likely be really excited that you initiate, which will boost your confidence.


And see, it’s okay if he says “No”

On the rare occasion he isn’t the mood, you’ll also discover that the rejection doesn’t kill you. In fact, the sting of it usually wears off within the hour.


It’s empowering

Why shouldn’t you ask for sex when you feel like sex? Men do it all of the time. Aren’t you just as worthy of an orgasm?


You can introduce new things

It’s much easier to introduce new things (toys, handcuffs, food etc.) when you’re the one initiating sex. It gives you time to prepare.


He feels safer initiating it

In the future, your partner will feel more secure initiating sex. He knows for sure you want him, because you’ve been initiating. So actually, if you initiate sometimes, he’ll probably initiate even more.


It’s just fair

Look, we all know that the one who initiates expends the most amount of energy. They’re the one who has to roll over, away from the TV, and get things going. Those few first moments of initiating are, yes, a bit of a task—so share that responsibility as you do with all other responsibilities in your home.


To break routine

You might just be reliant on a boring old routine right now. Every Saturday night at 8pm after dinner, your partner initiates. If you’re in a rut, initiating at a strange time could break you out of it.


You can get creative

You can find creative ways to initiate. Surprise him at work on his break. Send sexy texts. Hop in the shower with him. Wake him up with oral.


So he doesn’t look elsewhere

I’m not saying he would cheat if you don’t initiate, but he may begin to fantasize about other women who flirt with him and make him feel desired.


If the tables were turned

If you had to initiate all of the time—like your partner is now—it would be soul-crushing, right? In fact, you’d probably just give up. That’s how sex dies in a relationship, and you don’t want that.

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN