Why You Can’t Feel Guilty Leaving An Unstable Man

November 20, 2018  |  
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dating an unstable person

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I was once involved with an emotionally unstable man. At first, he drew me in because he was so sensitive—and he only showed me the positive sides of his sensitivity. He was artistic, a huge animal lover, and a great listener. But the longer we were together, the more I began to see the negative sides of his sensitivity. What I mean is that, I learned he was too sensitive and lacked the protective emotional skin that stable individuals have. He’d go into fits of depression seemingly out of nowhere, pointing at my behavior (I hadn’t done anything wrong) as the cause of it. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer my calls for days even though we were in a committed relationship. Eventually (like when I discovered his prescription mood stabilizers that he hadn’t been taking) I realized I was with a man who was unwell. Leaving him was a tough decision, but it was the right one. Here is why you can’t feel guilty leaving an unstable man.

dating an unstable person

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Staying will drain you

Staying will drain you of everything you have. When you’re with someone who is unstable, all of your energy goes to preventing meltdowns and keeping his depression at bay. That is exhausting and a full-time job.

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And make you bitter

The longer you stay, the less you will have to give to your next relationship. This partner will take every ounce of generosity you have from you, leaving you unwilling to do anything kind and helpful for your next partner.

dating an unstable person

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You did not cause this

You have to understand that you did not cause this. Even if you did some things wrong like, being less than available or being too physically affectionate with your male friends, things like that cannot make an otherwise stable and healthy man become unwell. Emotionally healthy individuals are not driven mad due to small betrayals and arguments.

dating an unstable person

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Relationships are just a trigger

Relationships are simply triggering for people who are emotionally unstable. Even the most perfect, peaceful relationship would still be a problem—unstable individuals seek and even create issues that are not there. Relationships are fertile grounds for that type of mental behavior.

dating an unstable person

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But many things are triggers

In fact, when someone is emotionally unwell, almost anything can be a trigger, from work dynamics to visits with family. You really need to understand that you didn’t cause this; that your explosive, turbulent relationship was just a symptom of an underlying, bigger issue within this man.

Work through the bad and remember the good

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Staying would be enabling

To stay would actually enable his behavior and his avoidance of therapy or other forms of healing.

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Leaving encourages him to heal

Leaving him could be the thing that finally encourages him to seek help, and work on his problems. He will learn that if he wants to surround himself with people who are emotionally well, that he too must become emotionally well. Water seeks its own level, as they say.

dating an unstable person

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Healing, in a relationship, is near impossible

Unfortunately, if someone really needs therapy and has serious traumas to contend with, he needs to be single to do so. Nobody can full heal themselves if they’re in a relationship, and have the pressure to be strong for someone else. This man needs the freedom to fall apart so he can rebuild, and falling apart in a relationship is not really possible.

dating an unstable person

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If he makes threats, find him help

If he threatens to harm himself, call his best friend or his family. You shouldn’t stay with someone merely because you’re afraid of what he’ll do to himself if you leave. That is a dark, terribly unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic. Get him help.

Diverse young couple, he is very stressed

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Know you aren’t a professional

There are professionals who have studied to help emotionally unwell individuals. You likely aren’t one of them. It would even be irresponsible to stay with this man, thinking you can help him.

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In fact, you shouldn’t be his therapist

Even if you do happen to be a therapist, you shouldn’t be one to your romantic partner. Your romantic relationship should be one that is uplifting and energizing for you—not draining.

dating an unstable person

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He needs his closer circle

This man needs his closer circle—like family and childhood friends—who have known him for a long time. That’s who someone needs during a time of healing—not a new girlfriend or developing romantic relation.

dating an unstable person

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Leaving doesn’t make you mean

Leaving isn’t selfish. To stay would be to disrespect yourself and to not love yourself. By staying, you help nobody—and you possibly harm both of you.

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One day, he may thank you

One day, he may actually thank you. He may tell you that, by leaving him, you showed him that he really needed to seek professional help. You could be the impetus for change.

dating an unstable person

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Relationships require two whole people

Relationships should be made up of two emotionally whole individuals—both of whom bring the same degree of positivity and strength to the relationship. One person alone cannot hold up two people.

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