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I’m a recovering “get up 10 minutes before he wakes up to dab concealer under your eyes” type of girl. In the early days of dating, I always wanted to put forward the most perfect version of myself, fearing what would happen if my dating prospect saw my flaws. As we know, it’s easy to fall in love with the image of someone instead of the messy, unhealed, insecure, feelings bubbling beneath the surface. And after showing multiple men the wholeness of me and ultimately feeling rejected in the fallout, I vowed to myself to really hold back in my next dating situation, to protect the vulnerable parts of myself that had been abandoned throughout my adult life.
My plans were going as intended a few months into dating a new guy, until he came barging through the door. Literally. I was recovering from the flu and took the trek to his apartment after a week of isolation. Even though I was feeling better, when I laid in bed with him I started hacking, coughing profusely. I felt so guilty because I knew he was trying to get some sleep, but my chest wouldn’t stop contracting. I tried to slip out of bed and run to the bathroom, so I could cough my lung out alone in peace. I ended up taking off my shirt because the constant coughing was making me hot, sweaty, and itchy. My wig was half off, I was half naked and coughing in the sink when I heard the door open.
“Are you okay?” He asked. I just stood there, looking crazy, horrified. He gestured for me to take his hand, led me back to bed, grabbed some Vicks vapor rub, smeared it all over my chest, took his shirt off his back and wrapped me up, and put me back in bed. My initial panic was quickly replaced by the sweet peace of being taken care of.
Although this vulnerability happened by chance, it stood out to me as a significant moment, because me allowing him to see me at “my worst” let me know that not only was I loved, but I was loved fully. Even though rejections of the past hurt, I’ve learned it’s better to know if someone can handle all of you, then settling for a lifetime of only being able to show the best part of you.
My anecdote, is backed up by social science proof, with psychologist Carla Tara explaining that us putting up fake fronts damages our relationships.
“Regrettably, this practice of hiding your flaws and only showing your partner only your ‘good side’ separates you, rather than unites you,” Tara told YourTango.
“By presenting yourself in the way that you’d like to be seen, rather than being open and honest with your partner, you’re distorting or minimizing your feelings, which can have a damaging effect on your relationship. ”
So while you’re walking the tightrope of “perfect” to keep everything smooth in the relationship, your actually undoing the very magic that holds two people together: mutual understanding. I’m glad I learned early that I had been cheating myself of the freedom of being loved fully, by hiding behind the veil of perfection because of the fear of rejection.
