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A little while back, I went out to dinner at a Hibachi restaurant, which is usually a fantastic place to meet new people on busy nights. You have to sit with a whole bunch of folks you don’t know, and it’s easy to strike up conversations with friendly table mates. On less crowded nights, however, parties are usually spaced out at the table and, generally, you try to mind your own business and give your table mates some privacy.
It was on one of these nights that I tried my very best not to overhear one woman sharing her latest dating woe. I really tried, y’all. But this woman came to hold court and everyone in the dining room was going to be sipping some of her tea. As everyone was digging into their appetizers, she told her friend (and subsequently everyone else) about a man from her church. Apparently, he’d been pursuing her for three solid years and, finally, she broke down and gave him a chance. Since he was a Christian, she thought that made him a good man. Their date, his pushiness, his views on women, and some questionable conversations after their evening out suggested otherwise. After sharing her experience, she huffed, sucked her teeth, and dismissively concluded: “I should have kept my chance to myself.”
While this woman seemed like a nice enough lady, she fell into a trap that lots of single women do: feeling like you have to give a guy a chance just because he asks — sometimes repeatedly. There are a number of struggles that single women face on the quest to find “the one” and, as such, we’ve been bombarded with this idea that we should be compelled to give chances to men that we’re completely uninterested in to avoid being alone.
The truth is, not every guy deserves your time. Point blank. There are only so many minutes in your day, and some dudes are going to burn right through those with no regard for the value you place on them. Beyond that, why in the world should anyone feel obligated to go on a date with someone they are absolutely not attracted to? No one expects men to lower their standards just to get a date, but women have been pressured to do so for forever. Ultimately, that’s a waste of your time and your date’s. Do yourself and them a favor and keep that chance to yourself.
In this woman’s case, she had been turning her fellow parishioner down for three years. Three. Imagine having to turn down the same man every Sunday for 36 months. Surely, she must have had her reasons for not wanting to date the guy, and the only reason she finally gave in to him was the immense pressure from the other saints, advocating on his behalf. When was the last time you heard of a man needing a whole PR team to get some company? She showed up for said date, only for her concerns about this man as a potential mate to be confirmed. She could have stayed home and saved herself the aggravation and the outfit. Having another dateless night can’t be worse than that.
I remember when I was wasting my time giving men chances when I knew we weren’t compatible. It’s not that the guys weren’t nice, but there was a total lack of chemistry. Just like that woman at the Hibachi spot, I can think of a few times that I wish I had kept my chance to myself. I would try to convince myself that there might be more to whichever man was in front of me at the time, and that I owed it to myself to find what that could be. Meanwhile, the conversation was dry because we didn’t have much to talk about and I could feel there was nothing–not even a spark — that would entice me to give them a follow-up text. Those wound up being some of the worst dates. My time could have been better spent working on any number of projects, or just catching up on my Netflix shows.
If you’re a woman who’s been on the dating scene for a while and you’re tempted to just give in and give out unnecessary chances, here me loud and clear. There’s no need for you to be the girl sitting across from some man, silently trying to convince yourself that the date you’re on is good. You have the right to be selective about the company you keep. Or, as Demetria L. Lucas put it so succinctly: Don’t waste your pretty.
