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If I’m honest, discussions surrounding #MeToo, rape culture and patriarchy in society always make me slightly uneasy. Usually I’m surrounded by people who fall into one problematic extreme or the other when it comes to the accusations that men in the entertainment industry have faced in the past few years. I’m either in the presence of someone who is basically like, “Bill Cosby has drugged every women he’s encountered and should rot in the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity,” or someone who expresses, “The women stepping forward are all experiencing some regret for the sexual liberation they took advantage of in the past and are now embarrassed. Stop have business meetings in hotel rooms and this wouldn’t have happened.” Naturally, I’m the type of person who believes life is mostly grey and one explanation can’t be used to generalize a group of similar situations. I am someone who is compelled to look at everything on a case by case basis and form my opinions from that. But if anything can be learned from this dramatic shift in perspective towards rape culture and consent, I hope it’s the realization that we’re clearly doing something wrong when it comes to how we handle power, sex, and gender in this country, on both systematic and individual levels.
Rapper Drake is the latest celebrity to make headlines as social media debates whether he should join the ranks of Harvey Weinstein and Woody Allen for his questionable friendship with Stranger Things actress, Millie Bobby Brown. When the 14-year-old was interviewed on the red carpet for the Emmys last week she was asked about her friendship with the 31-year-old Canadian chart-topper and she shared the pair developed a bond shortly after meeting for the first time:
“I love him.”
“I met him in Australia, and he’s honestly so fantastic — a great friend and a great role model. … We just texted each other the other day, and he was like, ‘I miss you so much,’ and I was like, ‘I miss you more.’”
When asked about what was discussed, Brown shared what goes down in the DM’s is between she and the “Nice For What” performer:
“About boys. He helps me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s great. He’s wonderful. I love him.”
“That stays in the text messages.”
The quotes only added to the momentum that had been recently gained in the press in the past few weeks. Just last week, Drake was rumored to be dating an 18-year-old model. In addition, there was the hint of negative publicity still lingering in the air from beef with rapper Pusha T after Drake was outed for being father to a child many fans weren’t aware of. Instantly social media and news outlets labeled the relationship as “problematic” and “creepy” accusing Drake of “grooming” Brown much as a child predator would, and here is where I have an issue.
In no way do I dismiss the many number of women who have chosen to come forward about the trauma they’ve experienced in the past and present in regards to being violated, disrespected and humiliated by men, many who have used their power to take advantage of them. I applaud that #MeToo has spread awareness and started conversations about a culture that has made it the norm for centuries for women to be abused, humiliated, taken advantage of and silenced. With conversations about consent and respect that I am beginning to entertain having with my daughter as she grows older, I’m admittedly intimidated by finding the balance between empowering her without her feeling it is her responsibility to avoid being sexually assaulted. I struggle with how to teach her to be safe and enforce boundaries, without being fearful and judging every man she encounters before he has the opportunity to prove he’s not a predator. I want to cultivate a warm atmosphere between her and men like her father, grandfather (such as the relationships I had in my upbringing) and even the sons of some of my friends with whom she plays where she doesn’t assume that all men and boys have a hidden agenda, view her as a sexual object and are people she will repeatedly need to keep her defenses up around in order to avoid becoming a victim.
#MeToo is important, overdue and should be happening in order to shift a perspective that has been problematic for way too long and to (in a very clichéd way) take down the patriarchy. However, it’s a very slippery slope we have to navigate when we begin to sexualize every exchange that occurs between men and women. We have to be conscious of the messages we send when we tweet #FreeTheNipple and post a picture of a mother breastfeeding her child on a zip line (because breasts shouldn’t have to be sexualized) but then shame tweets between two celebs and automatically label it as “grooming”. It’s no secret there are sexual predators on-line and in our neighborhoods everyday who make it a goal to prey on the innocence and trust of children every day. It’s perfectly understandable that we make it routine to address and facilitate conversations around power dynamics, gender, age and sexuality.
We also have to recognize that there is responsibility we have to accept when we tweet, blog or insinuate that someone is a sexual predator. There are labels that although only take seconds to publish, tarnish a person’s a reputation forever whether they are truly guilty or not. There’s a picture that is painted in the public’s mind that affects how a person and the general public process and perceive relationships with men based off of those labels. There are no easy answers, but I don’t want to live in a world where my daughter can’t have male family members, friends or mentors without feeling like something inappropriate is inevitable, even if it’s solely just the shaming from those who can’t separate sexualization from support.
PR professional and CEO and and Founder of Pretti Talk, Priya Williams recently posted her thoughts on a Yahoo article with the headline “14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown and Drake, 31, text ‘about boys’ and the internet is horrified: ‘This is called grooming’.” In her post she shares getting advice about love and life in general from older males in her youth and as an adult not recalling any sexual advances accompanying it:
“Real quick, when I was 15ish there was a significantly older guy in my neighborhood who I thought was fine as f**k! We talked every day about everything from sports to religion to my teenage love life. His advice was crucial to me developing a sense of self-worth. Even better: HE GAVE ME THE SAME ADVICE MY DAD WOULD GIVE ME AND NEVER EVER ATTEMPTED TO TOUCH ME EVEN AFTER I TURNED 18. I’m now 31, and I still see him sometimes…we still talk about EVERYTHING and truth be told I would not have received any of the lessons my dad tried to teach w/o that man in my ear reaffirming them and encouraging me. Men can mentor girls without sex being the motive. Just cause some one hurt you doesn’t mean every man is wired that way. Stop being so damn sensitive!”
While it’s true that children aren’t aware they are being groomed, even when looking back on certain situations as adults, Williams story reminded me that there is a such as mentors, friends and people in the community that have purely platonic relationships with youth and these should be facilitated and celebrated. Will I be letting my teenage daughter fraternize with older males without closely monitoring the situation and making my presence known? Of course not. However, I do think it’s important for her to grow up with a mindset that men are not people to be feared and protected from by default.
Brown recently took to social media to address the controversy, stating through Instagram stories on Thursday that the public’s negative view of she and Drake’s friendship says more about the public’s perversion than anything that is actually taking place. The teen also maturely stated that she is in fact the only one who gets to label the relationships in her life and their level of harm:
“I’m lucky to have people in the business extend their time to help me further my career and offer their wisdom and guidance.”
“I’m very blessed to have amazing people in my life. You don’t get to choose that for me.”
I don’t know the details of Drake and Millie’s friendship. Everyone’s opinion of what is or isn’t appropriate is different, but it’s important to remind ourselves in the midst on this #MeToo movement that many of us are still figuring it out. We all should be analyzing our own faults and how we have contributed to this problem whether it’s a careless tweet or the failure to have an informed conversation before running to judge anyone, whether it’s the accused or the accuser. In a world where an American President regularly tweets the state of the union, politics and social issues are oversimplified as trending topics and activism is merely a #hashtag to some, we have to realize the power and responsibility that lies in each of us when it comes to that “Publish” button. These kinds of conversations need to continue happening, but with the intention of spreading awareness and not just gossip.
Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
