I’ve heard it said that people are motivated by two things: love, and fear. I think there’s one other thing that is a huge driving force behind a lot of what we do—a thing that lives somewhere in the gray, strange area between love and fear and that’s insecurity. Insecurity really does live right in the center because, when we’re insecure, that has something to do with desiring a certain love we can’t have and fearing rejection. You probably see people do things every day that are clearly done out of insecurity like…posting 20, extremely photo shopped selfies on Instagram every day or flaunting gaudy and flashy purchases to the world. Insecurity is pretty powerful, and can touch every area of your life if you don’t get a handle on it. Unaddressed insecurities can even direct the romantic partners you choose, and the way you conduct your relationships. Typically, when people who are insecure get into relationships they behave in one of two ways: they’re either demure doormats or, they’re bulldozers who step all over their partners. Are you the latter? Are you mean to men because you’re insecure?
You ignore the ones you’re into
The first thing you do when you notice a man you’re interested in is to ignore him as much as possible. You do, however, do things to draw his attention to you (laugh loudly, be the center of attention) but you never directly give him attention. You’re always conscious of keeping the power. You’d never just approach a man and show your interest.
You challenge men you like
You’re very combative in conversation with men you’re interested in. It’s never just a normal, pleasant, friendly conversation—you are very sarcastic, and challenge everything they say. There certainly isn’t an air of approval in your conversations with men you like.
You try to provoke jealousy
Whether you’re casually or seriously dating someone, you do things to provoke jealousy. And when your partner states he feels jealous or insecure, you don’t try to ease his worries—you leave him wondering if he has reason to be jealous. That’s another part of wanting to be in power.
You’re always leading a few guys on
There are always a few guys in your life who think they have a chance. You’re never without some men in the atmosphere, with whom you’re casually texting and flirting. These interactions are going nowhere and you know it, but you can’t not have some men out there thinking about you.
You didn’t get male attention when you were younger
I know it’s cliché but clichés exist for a reason: if you didn’t quite get male attention in your younger formative years, that may have caused insecurities that still plague you. We’re so easy to influence when we’re young so, being ignored or even criticized by the opposite sex in our teen years, for example, can lead to a lifelong complex. Even if you’re gorgeous and desirable today, deep down, you may still believe you’re that wallflower you were in high school.
You never like the nice guys
You never like the nice guys. Every guy you date is a bit of a jerk. He comes off as narcissistic and egotistical. Nobody would ever describe the guys you date as teddy bears. That’s because insecure people attract insecure people and men who do things like put others down/get into bar fights/behave condescendingly are also insecure.
You always date once-players
If you learn that a man is a player, you consider it your personal mission to get him to settle down. These alarms go off in your mind when you meet a player that say, “Must win him over.” It’s not even about whether or not you like him—it’s about proving to yourself that you’re so desirable that you could tame a player.
Or you date highly desired men
You only like men who plenty of other women want. You tend to go for men with very visible profiles in society, like restaurant owners, politicians, or others who are often in the media and known around town. You need to attach yourself to someone with high status to feel good. Meanwhile, you always work to take these men’s egos down a peg.
You’re the prettiest in your friend group
You don’t hang out with women who are hotter and/or more charming than you are. You like to have friends who you consider projects—women who you’re always giving makeovers and advice to. You need to position yourself above someone to feel good about yourself.
You’ve stolen guys
You’ve never necessarily stolen someone’s boyfriend but, the moment one of your friends takes an interest in a guy at a bar, you have to insert yourself into the conversation. You turn up the charm. You dominate the conversation. You never do the polite thing of stepping aside and letting your friend shine.
You always have a backup
Even if you’re in a relationship, you have a backup guy. There’s always someone you could call if your relationship went sideways, and you could just step into a new relationship with that person. That lets you never fully be vulnerable in your relationships or give up that power.
You require VIP treatment everywhere
You’ll talk a bouncer into letting you skip a line of just five people. You’ll do whatever you can to move just three rows closer to the stage at a concert. You need to assert yourself as VIP everywhere you go, even if the treatment won’t be much different from the regular treatment.
You’ve never felt safe in a relationship
You’ve never felt relaxed in a relationship. To you, relationships are things you win—not things you enjoy. Even within your relationships, you’re very calculating about every move you make.
You’re always aware of your appearance
You like to have eyes on you, you always believe that eyes are on you, and you choose your words, behavior, outfits, body language—everything—based on the idea that people are watching you. You can’t just…be.
You document everything
You’re highly active on social media. Even those “intimate” moments like days spent alone at a spa are put online. You require constant attention. You need to know that there are men thinking about you. Perhaps you like to show the person you’re dating that other men are watching you, so they need to feel worried.