What to know about dating an abuse survivor

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People who suffered abuse—either physical or emotional, and either from family or past romantic partners—can still have successful relationships. But abuse changes someone on a fundamental level. One of my first serious boyfriends was an abuse survivor and, the reality is that, what he had been through actually contributed to some of his greatest personality strengths. In many ways, he had found a way to derive strength from his experiences. He was very sensitive and in-tune with the feelings of others around him, he was very patient, and he was always concerned with making others feel safe and comfortable. Unfortunately, he still had a long way to go in terms of working out the more negative ways his experience had affected him and, ultimately, he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. That being said, if you meet an abuse survivor who has been through substantial therapy and has done most of their healing, you can have a good relationship. There are just things you should know.

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They’re sensitive about being taken advantage of

Abuse survivors were often abused by someone who at first tested their boundaries. It may have been somebody who asked them to do one small thing they weren’t comfortable with, and that evolved to larger things, until the abuser determined that this was someone they could walk all over. As such, your partner could be extremely sensitive to being taken advantage of or taken for granted.

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What you can do

You may notice it in small things, like when you ask your partner one too many times in a week to walk your dog or when you don’t seem appreciative of things they’ve been doing for you. Generally speaking, it’s important to always show gratitude when your partner does a favor or does some act of kindness. You have to be particularly conscious of making him feel seen and appreciated.

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They’re stand offish around new people

People who have suffered abuse in the past are, naturally, very wary of new people. It’s a defense mechanism. I don’t know one abuse survivor who is the life of the party, a social butterfly, or a glutton for attention. When you bring your partner into new social settings, he may come off as cold to new people at first.

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What you can do

Find a natural way to tell your partner a bit about all of the people he’ll be meeting that night. Don’t make it sound like you’re giving him a cheat sheet to their life stories, but just work stories into conversation that highlight the wonderful qualities of the friends he’s about to meet. It makes him feel more comfortable to have information about new people before meeting them. And, just notify your friends that your partner can be shy in new settings so they aren’t thrown off by his behavior.

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They perceive people as taking advantage of you

Because your partner is very sensitive to being taken advantage of, he can also be very sensitive to people taking advantage of you. In fact, he will often believe someone is taking advantage of you who isn’t. He’ll see things that really aren’t there sometimes, like the idea that a boss is mistreating you or a family member is emotionally abusing you.

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What you can do

Well, for starters, you may just have to bring your complaints about coworkers and family members to someone else, like a best friend. Vent sessions may be better spent with someone else, because your partner can read into them, and feel like he urgently needs to stop some perceived abuse he thinks is there. Otherwise, you just have to assure him that if you really felt that somebody was taking advantage of you, you would do something about it.

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They may need a professional push

It’s very common for abuse survivors to suffer from self-esteem issues. While your partner may have overcome those in the romance department, he may still suffer from them when it comes to his career. He may not go after the things he wants as aggressively as he should.

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What you can do

Be very encouraging. Tell your partner often how impressive he is. You may need to give him a push from time to time, to go after the things he wants. It won’t be your job forever but, every so often, he may need a little jumpstart when he’s in a slump.

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What you can do

You can’t exactly tell your partner to stop being friends with someone, but you can subtly drop hints that you don’t think they treat your partner that well. Honestly, there may be times when you have to not-so-subtly tell one of his friends that something they did was crappy. You have to show them that your partner is not someone they can walk all over anymore. The ones who really care about him will realize you have a point and clean up their act.

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Therapy should be ongoing

When the abuse was recent, an individual needs to be in intensive therapy, often several times a week. But even once someone has done the more labor-some work and is in a much better place, it’s never a good idea for an abuse survivor to stop seeking therapy entirely.

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What you can do

Offering to attend therapy with your partner, or even just going on your own as an act of solidarity, can go a long way. Part of the reason he quits therapy is probably that he wants to appear “normal” like people who don’t go to therapy. So, if you go to therapy, too, you’ll show him there’s no shame in it.

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They can still be triggered

No matter how much healing your partner has done, he will still be triggered from time to time. When it happens, it can be frightening. He can be completely out of touch with reality, and even say some hurtful things.

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What you can do

Honestly, that last point is something you have to decide if you can live with. Not everybody can. Abuse survivors can throw tantrums, break things, lock themselves in a room all day, and say hurtful things they really don’t mean. The best you can do is know that when they act like this, they aren’t themselves—that’s not your partner. That’s the abuse.

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It’s okay to take a break

I’ve had several friends fall deeply in love with abuse survivors who, once they began dating them, they realized weren’t quite ready for a relationship. It can be so hard to walk away from these situations because, when the person is doing well, the survivor can be an incredible, loving, happy person. But when things are bad, they’re very bad. Not everything needs to be absolute, though. You always have the option to part ways while the individual does more healing on his own. Who knows—maybe he’ll make a great partner for you some day.