Fears Women Who Don’t Want Children Have

May 9, 2018  |  
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I’m around 30 years old and I do not believe I will have children. I don’t dislike kids. In fact, some of my closest girlfriends are mothers and I am so happy for them—I genuinely love spending time with their little munchkins. They are like adorable mini-mes of the friends I love. But, at the end of the day, I just don’t know that motherhood is in the cards for me. I believe that, in order to be a great parent, that parenthood has to be your top priority. And, for me, I just isn’t a top priority. It’s not even in my top five right now. So I wouldn’t subject a baby to a parent who wasn’t able to give parenthood her all. I think that’s a responsible decision. That being said, since history, the world, and just about everyone in my life says I should be a mom, I can’t help but have some interesting thoughts on the matter sometimes. Here are fears women who don’t want kids have.

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Will I lose friends?

Several of my friends already have kids, and several want to. So sometimes I fear that there will come a day when I just don’t feel connected to my friends—when their experiences will be so different from my own, that we’ll struggle to feel close.

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Will I break my parents’ hearts

I know my parents want to be grandparents. I’ve dodged their questions about when I’ll become a mom because I just don’t want to absolutely devastate them by telling them I probably won’t have kids. And I really hope my sister has kids so she can make them grandparents and I can be off the hook.

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Am I not a desirable partner?

I’m in a relationship now so I don’t worry about this as much anymore, but when I was single, I did wonder, “Does the fact that I don’t want kids make me an undesirable partner?” In fact, when I’d go on some dates and men told me they wanted kids one day, I sort of panicked and thought, “Should I just break the news now so I don’t waste anyone’s time?”

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Am I selfish? 

Naturally, I sometimes wonder if I’m a selfish person for not wanting kids. Is it wrong to just dedicate my life to…myself? But then I remember that I don’t only dedicate my life to myself. I have a rescue dog who I love to make happy. I organize tons of charity events. I’m a confidante to my friends. I have a lot of love to give and I do give it out.

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Is something wrong with me?

Maybe I was just born missing an important piece of DNA? Maybe my brain is broken? Maybe there is just something genetically wrong with me. But…I really don’t feel that way.

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Will I regret this?

Sure, I do sometimes wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. But don’t tell my mom that because she will pounce and insist I have children. The truth is, I just don’t know how the urge to have kids develops. Does it rush in all at once? Does it go from zero to 100? Or, does it grow slowly? If it grows slowly, I really don’t think I’ll want them. But if the urge just comes out of nowhere one day then, well, there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about that past a certain age.

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How will my partner and I bond?

I can certainly see how having children has brought many couples I know even closer. They were always strong—they didn’t have a kid to patch anything up—but parenthood has added this new, magical bond to their relationship. What will create that bond for my partner and me, if not children?

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Will I be one of those difficult people?

You know the ones—they’re very uncomfortable with surprises, with changes in plans, with spills, with the thermostat being set at just one degree away from what they want. I think having kids makes it nearly impossible to be difficult, stubborn, or particular. I don’t want to wind up those ways!

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How will I leave a legacy?

It might be slightly egotistical but, I can’t help but wonder sometimes how I’ll leave a legacy if not through kids? It certainly puts more pressure on me to succeed in my endeavors in a way that people will talk about for generations to come.

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Will my parents take it personally?

Will my parents think that the reason I don’t want to have kids is because I hated my childhood? Will they believe that my decision not to have children is a reflection on how I feel about the kind of parents they were?

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Am I irresponsible?

Is it just that I’m irresponsible? Do I just want the option to be a mess of a human forever? Okay…no. That’s not possible. I am responsible. I take care of an animal. I pay my bills on time. I’ve held down a job for a long time. People can rely on me to do the things I say I’ll do.

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Will people judge me?

I am no stranger to the fact that people can be judgmental of women who never had kids. People whisper about older women who never had kids….what’s wrong with them? What went wrong? Are they just cold?

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Am I just bad at commitment?

Having a child is the ultimate commitment. You can’t walk away from a child. So, is it possible that the reason I don’t want children is that I am bad at commitment. Actually, hang on: I’ve been in a relationship for five years, and held onto friendships for several decades.

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Will the bloodline end here?

That’s an odd thought that strikes me sometimes. Will the bloodline end here? As of now, my older sister isn’t having kids, I’m not having kids, and we don’t have any other siblings so…maybe this is it for our family. Is that sad? Does that mean something? I don’t know.

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Will my partner regret this?

Even though my partner says that he doesn’t want children, I can’t help but sometimes wonder if he only says that to make me happy and to stay with me. I really hope he isn’t suppressing his desires.

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