All Articles Tagged "open marriage"
‘That Had Nothing To Do With My Husband:’ Comedienne Mo’Nique Says It Was Her Idea To Enter Into An Open Marriage
Popular actress and comedienne Mo’Nique is back after a three-year hiatus and looking more fabulous than ever! She’s says she’s out on the road doing shows at various comedy clubs and wants fans to know just how thankful she is for their support. While in New York, the 45-year-old knockout stopped by Hot 97′s Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg Show where she candidly discussed her motives behind entering into an open marriage and why she experienced a change of heart. Check out some of what she had to say below.
On revealing that she and her husband were in an open marriage years ago:
“Let me define this really quick. See, that happened nothing to do with my husband. When I did that interview, I didn’t realize the king that I had. I was just being old Mo’Nique. Listen, the road is what it is. It goes for men and women. I felt like well this is just how it is. People automatically went to my husband. It had nothing to do with that. It actually backfired. I thought I was saying to women you can enjoy your cake and eat it too. It backfired. Now that I understand what I have, baby listen, there’s not another man on the face of this earth that can compare to mine. In my humble opinion. That’s just for me. When you really take the energy and pay attention to your relationship….and love him in a way that your mama didn’t teach you how to love a man, don’t neither one of y’all wanna go nowhere. Sisters listen, treat ‘em like a King if you wanna be treated like a Queen–it works.”
“My mama didn’t teach me how to love a man or treat a man, but my grandmother didn’t teach my mother’s brothers on how treat a woman. It goes both ways.”
On how she now defines an open relationship:
“We are open and we’re open because we’re honest. When I said an open relationship people automatically thought sex, sex, sex. An open relationship means to us, there are no secrets.There’s nothing that my husband doesn’t know about me and there nothing I don’t know about him. Some people are laying with strangers. When it’s open, y’all so honest. Sisters if you got a good one baby honor him. It’s nothing wrong with being submissive. It’s nothing wrong with loving him, all of it. We treat each other good right now in life, the best we can and then that way when you’re loving good, everything around you is good.”
Turn the page to watch Mo’Nique chat it up about the demise of the Mo’Nique Show, why she loves Charles Ramsey and her amazing weight loss.
For The Umpteenth Time: Jada-Pinkett Smith Clears Up Open Marriage Rumors One Mo’ Gin (“We Have A GROWN Marriage”)
Remember earlier in the month when Jada Pinkett-Smith opened up about her relationship with Will Smith to HuffPost Live? To some, it came off like she was saying that Big Willy is allowed to to run the streets because he is “his own man,” when in reality, she was saying that she can’t put a leash on him and control him in their partnership:
“I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay. Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man. I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be, and that’s not for me to do for him. Or vice versa.”
Feeling like some took her words and ran into the opposite direction with them, Pinkett-Smith took to her beloved Facebook page on Sunday and set the record straight one more time. Not that she needed to, but hey…:
Let me first say this, there are far more important things to talk about in regards to what is happening in the world than whether I have an open marriage or not. I am addressing this issue because a very important subject has been born from discussions about my statement that may be worthy of addressing.
The statement I made in regard to, “Will can do whatever he wants,” has illuminated the need to discuss the relationship between trust and love and how they co-exist.
Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should “behave”? Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of “you better act right or else” keep one honest and true? Do we believe that we can have meaningful relationships with people who have not defined nor live by the integrity of his or her higher self? What of unconditional love? Or does love look like, feel like, and operate as enslavement? Do we believe that the more control we put on someone the safer we are? What of TRUST and LOVE?
Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE…for us???
Here is how I will change my statement…Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.
Oooooh child, whatever they’re doing, open marriage or not, is their business. As long as they’re happy and their family is happy and healthy, there’s no need for any more lengthy notes or interview questions about it. Do you, Jada, and continue to do you, because you’re too fab to have to continue to explain the details of your love.
What do you think of her statement?
‘You Can Do Whatever You Want As Long As You Can Look In The Mirror And Be Okay:’ Jada Pinkett-Smith On Open Marriage
For years, rumors of Hollywood power couple, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith maintaining an open marriage have been circulating. Whispers have implied that Jada has a thing for the ladies and Will has his eye on the fellas, and that the pair really just have a mutual understanding, which is why they’ve been able to stay together for so long. Public figures are subject to have all kinds of wild and outlandish things being said about them, so it’s sometimes difficult for the public to decipher what’s real from what’s not. Either way, Jada doesn’t seem to be allowing anything to slow her stride. In a recent, rather interesting interview with Huff Post Live’s Marc Lamont Hill, the 41-year-old beauty somewhat addressed the rumor that she and Will are in an open relationship.
When asked by Hill whether or not the rumors were true, Jada responded:
“That’s the most persistent one [rumor]. I think people get that idea because Will and I are very relaxed with one another. And I think how I answered questions in the past like, ‘Girl, you know, what would you do if he came home and this and that and that?’ or ‘Being married to a big superstar like Will, how do you deal with all the women?’ I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want, as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.”
“At the end of day, Will is his own man. I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be and that’s not for me to do for him or vice versa.”
It really seems that Jada’s well-crafted answer was given with intent of allowing people to assume what they want. While one person could perceive her answer as an admission of carrying on an open relationship, someone else may take it as Jada simply expressing that she refuses to drive herself crazy over the actions of another person. Things did, however, get a bit interesting when Hill noted that the couple’s “understanding” sounds very similar to the one shared between Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee.
“I think that just comes from respect. You’re in a partnership, but that you also are an individual as well,” Jada responds.
And there you have it… sort of.
Skip to the next page to watch Jada’s interview. What are your thoughts on her response to the rumors?
You may remember, a year ago, I wrote about being the girlfriend to a man in an open marriage. Well, it’s a little over a year later of being in a relationship with an open married man. It’s funny, because I looked at the two previous articles I wrote about this relationship, and I was almost embarrassed by how blinded I was; how in love I was. I dived in head first into a man and a lifestyle I knew nothing about. Did I drown? No. But I do feel as if I was doing the dead man’s float for a while.
This year taught me so much. I learned that open relating, first and foremost, does not mean multiple partners. It means honest relating. So, while I may use open and “multiple” simultaneously in this article, honesty is the priority. I am a stronger, more aware person than I was before entering into this relationship. I have grown into a woman who knows what I need in a relationship and who knows what I can’t handle in a relationship. I grew into a more honest person in regards to my feelings. I learned how to open up and express myself freely. I know that his purpose in my life was for my personal growth and for that, I am thankful. But while, I am thankful for the growth and self-discovery, all the other sh!t is not what I want nor is it what I will accept anymore. Not in this situation at least. A messed up person will be a messed up person—whether in an open, poly, or monogamous relationship. Nothing will change.
With all that being said, I am leaving the open relationship. I love him, but I do not like a large part of the person I grew to know. I tried to accept and understand a lot, but there was always something. There was always someone. I knew he was in an open marriage and dating three women when we started. I didn’t realize there was going to be an open door clause in the relationship. There was always a new story of a woman he told he loved just so he could get her in bed; a new story of a woman flipping out on him in the midst of an online class he teaches for his organization or on his Facebook page; a broken promise brought on with more women. Stories of pregnancies, clients as lovers, it was continuous. It was stressful. It was tiring. It was not the fact he was open that was my problem. It was the fact he was demonstrating Slore-ish behaviors and not open and honest behaviors. It was ego driven and not heart driven. As soon as my heart would get right with US, something would take place to tell my spirit it was wrong. It would never be US. Because of who he was seen as, who he wanted to be, there would always be people involved in our relationship. There would always be gossip. There would always be stories I didn’t want to hear or he didn’t want me to hear. It would always be EVERYONE.
The joys of Twitter: you can vent as much as you want…and then erase all the tweets. Fortunately, most people will either get a screenshot or a at least get a transcript of what was said. Ice-T, you are not exempt from that, my brother.
Saturday morning hit with Ice-T having to see pictures of his wife, Coco, wrapped in arms with another man named AP9 while she was in Las Vegas. Coco was the first to address the pictures but kept it very light by saying, “Woke up to people in a panic about some pics,please guys I’m happily married,sometimes fans & friends take silly pics. Its harmless. #RELAX”
Well, her fans may have relaxed but her husband certainly didn’t take too well to the pictures. As soon as he was able to calm down a minute to type, he gave us the following tweets:
Coco’s in Vegas. She has given me her explanation of the pics on the net from her first weeks out there with some dude. She said he knew someone in the crew from our show and would pop up where ever they would go. He also said he knew me.. I don’t know dude.
Regardless.. They would take Posed pics every time. Most of them disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look.. And feel like sh-t.
I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple. That’s it. Any more questions ask @Cocosworld
Don’t get it twisted… I’m not happy about this sh-t.
He was absolutely clear on how he felt about the situation. After his tweets, it seems Coco got her mind right and re-thought her position (or was getting screamed at by her husband) because she later tweeted:
Ice is right,the pics I took with this man were in poor taste & I disrespected my husband however the pics were the only thing that happened.
I feel so sad,the bottom line is I love Ice & I can understand why he’s upset theres no excuse for my actions.I’m so sorry baby & to everyone
We’ve got to give Coco some serious side eye here. She’s been married to Ice for quite some time and should understand that pictures like that are completely inappropriate. I suppose the key word there is “should.” If she didn’t know that those types of “friendly” pictures should not be taken with another man, she might be a little off her rocker. But really, there’s a chance that Coco got “caught out there.”
Their reality show has really made people like Ice and Coco so the hope is that they can get through it. Oh, and Coco? Don’t be stupid all your life!
I am writing a response in regards to the article I wrote last week about being the girlfriend of a man who is in an open marriage. It seems I had quite a few questions, comments and concerns about this situation, and I am here to address a few of them and clarify some things. Hopefully.
First off, this is very new for me. The married man and I have not been together long, and I am the newest of the women in his circle. Therefore, I am just learning how to adjust and handle this open relationship in regards to time, insecurities and fears. I don’t know if anyone can relate to being around someone who, even though you may not see them often, can make you feel as if you are the only person in the world in his life; that can make you feel comforted, safe and secure and loved just by the sound of their voice. It is an amazing feeling to have and it allows a lot of those “technical difficulties” to melt away, at least for a little bit. People have insecurities in monogamous relationships, being open doesn’t change anything. But being able to have open and honest conversations about what your partner is feeling and doing, wanting and needing allows those insecurities to diminish because you’re able to speak freely without any fear or guilt.
My fears right now are based around questions: Is this going to last? Or is this what I really want? I have come to the realization that I can’t determine what’s going to happen down the road, I can only determine today. And today, right now, I believe our relationship will last. I know this is what I want, because I know, in the short time I have been involved in this open relationship, I have learned more about myself, become more open to seeing other sides of myself, and I am loving myself even more. So yes, this is what I want. It is not to say I will not have another serious relationship with someone else, because more than likely, I will find someone who lives closer to me. But despite that, I plan on keeping him as a constant factor in my life.
A big concern in the comments was his relationship with his wife. Yes, his wife does have other partners who he knows, converses with, and seems to respect as well. Yes, he and his wife do have kids who know everything and seem to have an understanding about their open marriage.
This relationship is not about me allegedly having low self-esteem, a want to just have anyone in my life, convenience or any other negative connotation you can create in your mind. It was a friendship formed through emails, speaking on the phone and texting, which turned into an immediate connection when we first met. I would never think having a man thousands of miles away would be considered “convenient,” and in my own opinion, my self-esteem must be fairly high to be able to open my mind to something different because of the joy and love someone else brings me.
Progressive love in an open relationship is based on four simple principles: Its purpose is for growth while its benefit is love; 100 percent availability, which means no bail outs or cop outs; 100 percent responsibility, which means no victims or villains, and 100 percent tolerance, which means no blame, and no shame. These four principles allow a relationship to be based on growth, where all parties are growing as a couple and as an individual too. We’ve taken the idea away that a relationship’s purpose is not for love, but for growth, because as each individual grows and gains more knowledge, then love becomes a benefit from that growth.
I am not here to create chaos in your minds or to cause uproar in your relationships. I wrote the previous article, along with this one, to enlighten you and to possibly show you a new way of looking at relationships. An open relationship may not be the choice for you and that’s fine. But as I continue to date other people in the city I am in, while knowing I have a man across the country who loves me and is the male foundation in my life, I am content where I am today. I am open to love from him and whoever may come into my life in a positive way. I look forward to learning and growing through this progression.
If you would like to get more information or understand these types of relationships, I encourage you to check out www.jujumamablog.com and open your eyes, your mind and your body to something new. Just my opinion.
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I stood at the airport waiting for him to come down the escalator to baggage claim, anticipating the energy I knew I would feel as soon as he was in my presence. This was my time. It was my chance to be with a man I love, a man I enjoy being around, a man I would do just about anything for. It was my turn to be with my boyfriend, a man who just so happens to be in an open marriage with his wife while having multiple girlfriends…including myself.
This wasn’t a situation I ever expected to be a part of. Why would I want to be with a man who is married, who has other women, who is open about his other women, and who would not be committed to me 100 percent?
He lives on the East Coast. I live on the West Coast and his other women are spread throughout the country, four of us to be exact, including his wife. I am the newest girlfriend of his and I have met and spoken with his wife. I do plan on meeting the other women as well. He and I speak on the phone quite often, but our time alone with each other is definitely the hardest part of our relationship, due to him being so far away and so busy.
It confuses me every time I think about it too hard. And then I hear his voice, and I feel at ease. He tells me, “I Love You,” and in my heart, I know he’s being honest about it. When we are together, he holds me, touches me, kisses me, and makes me feel like the goddess I am. And when we have sex, it’s not two physical bodies bumping into each other, it’s our bodies coming together as one, communicating our love to each other. In that moment, it’s about us and only the two of us, and then I don’t feel like just a girlfriend.
Yes, there are a few feelings of insecurity and jealousy, but not any more than I would have in a monogamous relationship, because while I may not want to hear details of what he does, I know that what he is telling me is the truth.
This man is not only teaching me how to be a sexually fulfilled woman, but also how to be open and honest and loving so I can receive the love I am deserving of. He is showing me there are men who are respectful, forgiving, sexual, sympathetic, and loving out there and he is showing me how to get what I want and what I need in my life, whether it’s a career, peace of mind, or even another man.
So, it’s not a big deal about him being married, because he’s not lying or cheating. His wife knows about me, has met me, and is fully aware of who I am in his life and I know and respect his wife. It’s not about him having other women and being honest about it, because men cheat every day. I will always prefer a man to be upfront in regards to what he wants and who he wants versus sneaking behind my back every day. And it’s not about not being committed to me 100 percent, because he is. He may not have the ability to be with me every day, every week, or even every month for that matter, but he is committed to me and my life and the goals we have together. Yes, we have goals together.
This is more than just an open relationship. It’s an “Open Lifestyle” and it’s complicated and hard for most because too many people are so used to being closed and shying away from being honest with each other, especially when it comes to love and sex. Progressive love is allowing the feelings within you to be free; to live in the moment and enjoy it. This is what keeps me here. Because I love LOVE and I love being able to give it freely and openly while receiving it in the same way. I have much to learn, plenty to understand and a multitude of feelings to sort through, but in the meantime, I’m progressing in this open lifestyle one day at a time.
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Open marriage is a topic that comes up from time to time and over the last few years the pendulum of acceptance has swung greatly from “no, that’s completely wrong;” to “I could never do that, but whatever works for you;” to “I’m five years into my marriage and considering it.”
Divorce rates being what they are, many are looking for any alternative to the current marriage structure that could possibly save relationships because “obviously we’re not doing something right,” and open relationships/marriages are being touted as the saving grace because humans will get back to their animalistic nature of fulfilling their innate sexual lusts. I remember going to a panel on open relationships once and the host said something to the effect of when she sees an elephant use an iPod, she’ll take that argument more seriously. I’m with her on that one. We may be mammals but our brains allow us to operate with logic and free will rather than rely strictly on animal instincts so that whole rationale is null and void in my book.
I still stand in the second pool of people who don’t want an open relationship for themselves but figure to each his own when it comes to other couples. But what does make me pause a bit about the seeming prevalence of these arrangements is that acceptance tends to be reactionary to the threat of infidelity and in some ways a form of settling. Naomi Piercey recently wrote an article for Men’s Health asking “Is Monogamy Outdated?” and she quoted Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester who wrote the book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating. Anderson said:
“Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up. One of the reasons I wrote the book is that I’ve seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood. I’m not advocating cheating; I’m advocating open and equitable sexual relationships.”
So basically if you don’t want to get your feelings hurt change your expectations about fidelity in your relationship and all will be OK? I understand his point about being socialized to believe monogamy is the norm but everyone makes up the rules in their own relationship and if the idea of your partner sleeping with someone else makes your stomach turn or you have no desire to sleep with anyone else, then you have a right to set that expectation for your mate and be upset when that promise is violated.
I almost see this logic as the same mindset some women have when they’re involved with a guy and find out he’s seeing someone else too. Because they’re not in a relationship she’ll say she technically doesn’t have the right to be upset but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. In a few recent discussions I’ve seen on open relationships, the idea for some women is they’re afraid their partner is going to cheat on them at some point so to avoid that disappointment they’re just going to make their relationship open that way their boyfriend/husband really isn’t doing them wrong. If that’s not the relationship you really want who’s benefiting here?
A couple of my friends have recently been tossing the idea of open relationships around and for different reasons. My girl friend said she almost felt like in this day and age it’s the easiest way to avoid disappointment and fulfill all of your needs when your main partner falls short. My guy friend said he wasn’t sure about his ability to remain faithful in a marriage, which I can respect, or his inability to resent his partner for having to forego sexual urges all for the sake of “being faithful.” He told me he was frustrated by the fact that no matter how much he loved a girl he was with, the temptation to sleep with other women never went away and I told him it probably never would. We don’t stop being attracted to other people just because we’re in a relationship but our commitment to the other person is hopefully just as strong as that urge. I also told him we resist plenty of impulses all throughout the day and I don’t understand why people act like sexual ones are impossible to ignore. When someone cuts me off in traffic I want to run them off the side of the road but do I? No.
When he asked me would I ever be OK with an open relationship I told him no. I hate the idea of sharing a cab, let alone my man, and in general I keep a close circle of people around me because I like intimacy in small numbers. What’s appealing about monogamy to me is the idea that my partner and I will have a connection and share things with each other that we won’t with anyone else and I think I have a right to want and expect that in my relationships regardless of what the latest stats on cheating show. Maybe if we stopped buying into the whole “we’re animals with uncontrollable sexual urges” talk less people would see monogamy as restrictive and more would find it rewarding. There are plenty of things we give up (and gain) to make relationships work, is sex with other people really that different?
Monogamy may not be for everyone, and I have no issue with that But I don’t think women should talk themselves into wanting open relationships just for the sake of not being cheated on. There are men out there who haven’t cheated on their partners (I think) and in the end if you settle for a relationship structure that you don’t truly want, you end up cheating yourself in the end.
Would you have an open relationship/marriage to avoid being cheated on? Do you think it’s unreasonable to expect your partner not to stray in a relationship?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
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The world stopped spinning for a short while when reports broke that Black Hollywood’s favorite couple, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, were headed for divorce this summer. Fans breathed a sigh of relief when the couple immediately denied the rumors, but now, a mere few months later, the rumor mill is churning yet again.
Sources close to the couple—I don’t think you can use the word friends If they’re telling your business behind your back—told Star magazine that Will and Jada are basically living separate lives and that a divorce and battle over their $520 million estate is inevitable.
“They’ve been faking it for a long time and they don’t want to live a lie anymore,” one source said. “Living and sleeping separately — and now Will finally walking out on Jada — have pushed them to their limit. They’re done.”
Another insider said, “Will and Jada are finished. They’re still keeping up appearances because they worry divorce could hurt their careers, but there’s no turning back now. It needs to end.”
Apparently the couple wasn’t being dishonest in August when they said they’re marriage was still intact in response to the first divorce rumors, but whatever issues they’re dealing with may prove too difficult to get through, sources speculate.
“They’ve been trying to work through it, but things came to a head in early November, when they got into a huge knock-down, drag-out fight,” a source said. “They put up a good front in public, but behind doors they really fight like cats and dogs. They’ve always had issues in their relationship, and now they’re bubbling to the surface.”
“Will feels like he’s living a lie for everyone else, but he knows it needs to end,” a source explained. “They can’t keep pretending.”
While Will and Jada haven’t yet said anything about this latest set of rumors, a person identified as a close family friend says none of it is true.
“Will and Jada are not splitting. They have their issues and struggles like any other couple, but they are not getting a divorce,” the source told HollywoodLife.com.
“In fact, the family is planning a holiday skiing trip together. Will and Jada are also best friends and would go to a marriage counselor way before ending their marriage!”
We’re definitely hoping that’s what the couple would do after 14 years of marriage. It’s still very curious, though, that these reports continue to surface. The first time around, some suspected infidelity on Jada’s part with her then-coworker Marc Anthony on the set of Hawthorne, others thought their swinging lifestyle was to blame. One thing I don’t think anyone ever assumed was the work they put in to blending a family and loving each other was ever fake, so I hope the sources who are saying otherwise are just attention-hungry associates in need of a little extra Christmas money.
What do you think about Will and Jada divorce rumors resurfacing? Could there be any truth to the tales this time?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
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Kenya Stevens, co-founder of Jujumama, a love-coaching company, is like me, outraged at the abysmal divorce and out-of-wedlock rates in the black community. We both agree there’s a problem, but our solutions on how to solve it are as different as Mac and PC, Hemingway and McMillan, apples and oranges.
She and her husband Carl boldly put forth open marriage and sexual sharing as a viable option for both men and women and on its face, give some convincing arguments for why some should consider it. The couple has recently gained traction in popularity–they’ve been featured in Essence magazine, the Michael Baisden Show,” and “The Mo’Nique Show” on BET. (Mo’Nique has also stated she and her husband are in an open marriage.)
Stevens essentially says that people have been brainwashed into thinking human beings were meant to be monogamous and that only four percent of mammals in all creation are monogamous, which gives more credence to the human polyamorist ideal. She argues that Christianity and Islam are instrumental in shackling people into these rules. “That’s just a bunch of malarky to keep the peons in check. We’re not peons.” Lastly, it’s “the government” that doesn’t want couples to share resources because it doesn’t present a cost-benefit.
Stevens freely admits that she and her husband are in an open, sexual marriage. “Not only do we tell the truth about who we are and what we feel and what we desire, we can act upon those things,” Stevens said. And in fairness, she also states that some people have non-sexual open marriages in which they tell the truth about what they desire, but don’t act upon them. “The can have emotional love relationships with others, but they just don’t get out of monogamy.”
The goal, she says, it not to pursue sexual relationships out of “lust,” but out of “love.” Stevens said her husband has “lots of women,” and she has “lots of men,” but they have love relationships with them–it’s not just lustful sex. “We want to have an authentic love relationship with our partners. We’re not looking to have short-term one night stands, swinging, sort of, dangerous affairs. We want to add individuals to our community. I know my husband’s love partners, he knows my love partners.”