Source:www.blacktating.com

Dear Single Sistas,

I’m writing this letter to my Single Sistas who may be feeling down in the dumps during this Christmas season because they don’t have a mate to exchange gifts with or spend quality holiday time with. This letter also goes out to those who may feel extremely lonely during this season because  they are fresh out of a relationship and this is your first time without a significant other. I’m writing this letter to encourage you to celebrate this holiday season in your season of singleness, and see and embrace the beauty that it is. I know many of you may be saying or thinking that you enjoy the holiday season with friends and family, but it would be nice to have a special man in your life to exchange a kiss or two under the mistletoe with, or exchange a kiss at midnight with at the beginning of a New Year. While I agree with you, I want to encourage you to find different ways to enjoy the holiday season while you’re single. One of the things you can do this season is volunteer at a shelter, or soup kitchen. Not only will this gesture help someone else, but it will make you see how blessed you are for the things you have and make you forget about not having a mate (at least for the moment).

Another thing you can do is spend the extra money you would have spent on a gift for your mate on yourself! Treat yourself to something extremely special and out of the ordinary and place it under your tree addressed to you from you! You can also spend that extra money on a weekend getaway for yourself, or start a new savings account to ring in the New Year. Another thing you can do during your single holiday is spend time reflecting on what the holiday season really means. So many people get caught up in the commercialization of the holidays that they have the tendency to forget what they are truly designed to be about…Thankfulness. One more thing you can do during this holiday season of singleness is actually just enjoy the fact that you are single! While spending time with friends and family is a wonderful thing, it’s also a wonderful thing to have quiet time for self-reflection.

Look back and reflect on your accomplishments, the good times you had this year, and focus on new beginnings and how you will be the best single woman you can be until the time comes for your season of singleness to end. I know it’s hard when you see and hear of friends getting engaged on Christmas or at midnight on New Year’s Eve, and you find yourself waning the same thing. I also know it’s hard to see the lavish gifts from a friend’s significant other too, but I encourage you to stay positive and grateful for all you have because your time will come when the time is right. Don’t be down this holiday season. Lift your heads and hearts because your/our season of singleness is a gift that’s not only given once a year, but all year round if you allow it to be the gift that it is, because the truth of the matter is, I’d rather be a single woman happy and enjoying my holiday without a relationship, rather than being a woman in a relationship, yet still single and more alone than you think during every season of the year. So I say to all of you, enjoy this and every holiday season in your season of singleness because there may come a time in your life when you wish you had done so. Enjoy being single, and appreciate it for what it is.

Sincerely, Your Single Sistah,

Liz

Source: iStock

From Essence.com

One of my favorite songs is “Independent” by the rapper Webbie. It’s a bit outside of my usual musical taste, but the hook is so catchy. He talks about an independent woman who can take care of herself and makes it clear that he’s attracted to these self-sufficient women. As well, I’m a big champion of women being independent. However, the other day while watching Iyanla Vanzant’s new show, Fix My Life, I had a bit of an epiphany – maybe women should change their language about needing a man.

You see, I’ve had countless conversations with many of my single sister-friends and have often heard statements like, “I don’t need a man, but I want one.” During a recent show, one of the audience members said the same thing to Iyanla and was quickly corrected. Iyanla said, “You do need a man, so stop saying you don’t.” She then went on to explain how the sentiment around that statement might be blocking the woman and other women from finding a man. Honestly, I had never thought about it that way. But you must admit, she made a valid point.

Read more on Essence.com.

“If you don’t marry me, I’m leaving!”

“I’m either going to be your wife to be, or your soon to be ex.”

“If we’re not engaged by the end of the year, I’m moving on with my life.”

“I’m pregnant!”

How many of us have heard one of our close girlfriends or family members say one of the lines above?  Or better yet, how many of us have repeated one of the lines above? Ultimatums are often defined as an uncompromising set of terms or demands given by someone, which can lead to the beginning of a new segment in a relationship, or the severing of one. Ultimatums are generally given by women to men, who have been in a monogamous dating relationship for quite a while, women who are cohabitating without the commitment of marriage, or women who are or have been involved in long-term engagements, and the general purpose of them in regard to relationships are to achieve the goal of marriage. However, my question to women who have given ultimatums and to women who may be contemplating the thought of issuing an ultimatum is, why?

Why would you give a man who says he loves you and wants to be with you an ultimatum? Or better yet, why would you not give yourself an ultimatum instead of your mate? One part of the definition of the word ultimatum people often overlook or ignore is the part where it says that an ultimatum is an uncompromising set of terms or demands. This part of the definition is vital because it lets people know that they should set standards and not compromise them. The mistake that is often made though is that both women and men do not set and establish individual and relationship standards at the beginning of a new relationship. And if they do, they do not maintain them and often become complacent. If people would learn to take the time to establish standards and keep them then maybe there would not be a need to issue ultimatums.

Ladies, issuing an ultimatum may bring you closer to achieving the goals you have set for your ideal relationship, but the goals you have set may not be the goals your mate has, or have in mind. And if you are planning to have a productive relationship then you must be on one accord with your mate. Also, if you do give your mate an ultimatum and you get the results/commitment you desire, is that commitment sincere? The ultimate goal of an ultimatum is to start something new in a relationship, and while it may begin something new, it may also bring forth the forcing of something that should not be. So ladies, if you are contemplating giving your man an ultimatum, ask yourself these questions before you do; 1. Why am I giving him an ultimatum? 2. Will giving him an ultimatum make him commit to me any faster? 3. Will the commitment be from his heart?  4. Am I prepared for results that are the opposite of what I wanted? 5. How much longer do I plan on staying in a relationship that lacks a sincere commitment? 6. Are we equally yoked, and have the same mindset when it comes to commitment?

Answer these questions open and honestly before you decide to give an ultimatum because you don’t want to make a mistake, and the mistake could be you pushing your man away, or you staying and missing the blessing that is your true soul mate…not to mention, blocking his too. I know some of you may be saying that ultimatums work, and that men need a little push from time to time, and this may very well be true. But it is my belief that if a man wants to be with you, and if he is indeed the man for you he will say and show so without any push from you, but a push from his heart. Ladies, it is said that you should not be anxious for anything, and if you believe this then there is no need to think about giving an ultimatum. However, if you do decide to give an ultimatum, give it to yourself. Ask yourself how much longer you will stand for something, set that standard, and do what you need to when you feel the time is right. But don’t pressure anyone else to give you what you want.

Do you think giving an ultimatum is a mistake?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

More on Madame Noire!

• People Telling You Not To Wear Heels And 6 Other Tall Girl Problems
• True Life: This is How He Got Me to Go Out With Him
• Where Are They Now? The Cast Of Baldwin Hills!
• Is Venus Williams Really a Sex Addict?
• When Keeping It Swirl Goes Wrong: Why Are Black People Obsessed With Interracial Dating?
• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind the Making of “Baby Boy”
• Did You Know!? 9 Our Favorite Celebs of Cuban Descent (And Some Surprises!)

From YourTango.com

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Of course, I’m ready for a relationship. It’s what I’ve been waiting so long for! I just need to know how I can get one started!”

Well, I’m certainly not arguing that you want a real relationship. I’m asking if you’re ready for a real relationship. That one’s tough to answer, because it entails really looking at yourself and your beliefs, attitudes and behaviors in a real, open, and honest way. And that’s never easy.

One thing I can tell you is that I’ve been there. I’ve been in that spot where all I could think about was how I so wanted a real relationship, with all of the affection, understanding, support and love that comes with it. And that’s when I asked myself this very same question and I realized that I didn’t like the answer. I had some major changing to do. So how do you know if you’re ready for a relationship before you start one with either the wrong guy or Mr. Right at the wrong time?

More on Madame Noire!

• Women Who Get/Got Too Into Their Men
• The New Dating Norms: 6 Big Changes In The Dating Game
• You’re Just Not That Into It: Signs That Your Job Isn’t For You
• Madames Who Acted Like Ladies, But Thought Like Men
• Kandi Says Beef With Marlo Almost Turned RHOA Reunion Into A Different Kind Of Show
• Growing Up Fast: Toya and Lil Wayne’s Daughter Reginae Gets Dolled Up For Photo Shoot
• RHOA Salaries Exposed: They’re All Making Bank!
• Cartoon Has a Message for Black Women

From Black Voices

After 16 seasons of being on the air, ABC’s reality dating game show, “The Bachelor”has managed to fulfill a void for various eligible contestants. However to some fans disappointment, the show’s lack of diversity has raised a few questions as to why there has never been a non-white bachelor? Last year show creator, Mike Fleiss told Entertainment Weekly that he and his production team are always looking to cast for ethnic diversity, “it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would.”

Well look no further, Portland-based sportscaster Lamar Hurd is vying to become the show’s first African American hopeful. Initially the multifaceted commentator and entrepreneur was reluctant to apply for the show’s upcoming season, but thanks to his assistant, Tammy, Hurd has a different point of view.

For the complete story, click here.

More on Madame Noire!

• When Tweeting Goes Wrong: 6 Celebrity Scuffles & Screw Ups On Twitter
• Are You In Love With Being In Love? Reasons Why Being A Romantic Can Ruin You
• Star Wars: The Best Of Celebrity Feuds
• “Ask A Black Man” Episode 1: Life Of A Single Man (Extended Cut)
• Check Your Child: 8 Tips For Keeping Your Daughter Off The Pole
• Don’t Text Your Ex! Thing To Tell Yourself Before Picking Up The Phone
• Take It To The Floor: Maxi Dresses That Will Sweep You Into Spring
• Give & Take: Signs That You Are Too Much Of A Giver

Some say that friends make the best lovers, but I might have to disagree.  Whether it’s in grade school or in grad school, we’ll all have one experience being on the end of a relationship where one person wants a little more romance than the other.  When it’s all said and done, you can either end up in a loving relationship with your best friend or find yourself with a fragile friendship ruined by the awkwardness of an unrequited romance.  While we recently talked about reasons you shouldn’t be “just a friend” with a guy, many don’t realize that we often blindly walk into those type of situations not recognizing that the friend zone is right where we’re headed. Don’t take the risk of being asked to be “just a friend” by avoiding the following roles and actions:

Omar Sheree Stevenson is the reason I answer to street harassment no matter how annoying or inappropriate it is.

The 33-year-old was at a bowling alley in Rock Hill, SC, recently, and when a woman refused to allow him to buy her drinks he threw a bowling ball at her—-striking her in the head.

Witnesses say Stevenson threw the 12-pound bowling ball at the woman while she was sitting on a bench awaiting his turn at the lane. When authorities arrived on the scene, they found the 28-year-old on the floor next to the snack bar, bleeding from the head. Luckily, the woman didn’t suffer a fractured skull or concussion, but she was transported to the hospital where she received seven stitches and was later released.

Stevenson was arrested outside of the Strikers Family Sports Center where he told officers he lost his temper and regretted throwing the ball at the woman. He’s since been charged with attempted murder and held on $100,000 bond.

Sometimes it’s just easier to take a man up on his offer. Some would rather fracture a skull than suffer a fractured ego.

What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you when you turned a man down?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

More on Madame Noire!

• Oh Na Na, What’s My Name? Celebs Whose Real Names Baffle Us
• Why Do People Think Tyler Perry is Gay?
• Robin Thicke Says Black Women Aren’t Better Off with White Men
• 10 Things You Don’t Know About Beyonce
• Ratchet Relatives That Can Make the Holidays a Hot Mess
• When Emo Rappers Collide

Smooth. That’s all I can think when see the very handsome Laz Alonso. He doesn’t have the “Oh My Damn” body that a lot of our eye candy nominees have, but the man is smoldering with his good looks. On top of that, he’s uber-intelligent (Howard alumnus) and good with money (former investment banker), plus, the man’s a gentleman. But that’s not what you came here for. You want to see the goodness! So check it out and I bet you’ll be ready to jump somebody for a copy of Jump the Broom.

If you’ve been in the dating game for some time, you know by now that being over the age of eighteen doesn’t make you a man. We’ve all dealt with our fair share of man-children. But if you don’t want to keep repeating the pattern check out Your Tango.com to see how to recognize the difference between a boy and a man.

Read the rest of the article here.

No, I don’t think homeboy has a new movie coming out. Nor a book, a music video appearance, a magazine cover, or anything of the sorts. He’s just fine, and I for one, feel like talking about him for a minute. When I saw a picture of him this evening I was reminded how hot this man looks, from that smile, to that body to…just everything. The 39-year-old former wrestler and action star  (who is black Nova Scotian and Samoan if you were ever wondering) has been my imaginary boo on the side (yes, I have many) since I was an undercover WWE fan back in the day. And there’s something about a guy with huge biceps and triceps that can most definitely keep you warm at night that just is too hot! So, to celebrate his steaminess, have yourself a look through the gallery, I’ve provided a generous amount of photos, and I’d probably turn the air on for a minute…(*wink*)