All Articles Tagged "insecurities"
Ask Dr. Sherry
Q: I am engaged to a wonderful man, but he has some issues that are starting to get the best of me. He constantly brings up my past. I feel that I am a wonderful, beautiful, educated 48-year-old woman, but he constantly brings up something in my past that I am not very proud of and do not want to talk about anymore. I cheated on my ex-husband but made the mistake of telling him about it. It had nothing to do with him. The affair was over before him, and I have never cheated on him. There were things going on with me at the time, and I have figured out what those things were that caused me to do that, and I know I will never do those things again. I didn’t feel good about it, and to this day, I still carry some guilt. While my ex had his suspicions later, he never found out. I divorced him because I was not happy at all in the marriage. I have tried doing everything to prove to my fiancé that I would never cheat on him, but every now and then, the subject pops up out of nowhere. It makes me feel vulnerable, insecure and just downright tired. I get angry, I get sad and I’m tired of feeling this way. Why would he ask me to marry him if he can’t get over my past? I’m getting tired and feeling worn out over this situation. I want to make it work, but I can’t live the rest of my life like this. Please advise.
See what Dr. Sherry has to say about this on Essence.com
Everyone has secrets that we like to keep from others, men and women included. But men tend to be more secretive than women, since many of them aren’t exactly emotionally responsive or open. No matter how well or how long you’ve known a man, even if he’s your husband, there are definitely some secrets that he is keeping from you. Here are 14 of them.
They seem so blissfully aloof, tell you that you overthink things, and say women are worriers, but you know what? Most men are barely keeping it together when it comes to fretting about the stability of their relationships! Here are 14 things they worry about almost daily, even if you can’t tell.
‘I Was Known For Being Talented, But I Was Still The Fat Girl:’ Kelly Price Opens Up About The Cruelty Of The Industry
We often hear tales told by celebs that reveal just how damaging the entertainment industry can be on a person’s self-esteem, especially women. There’s the pressure of being thin enough and constantly having your physical appearance scrutinized by Hollywood execs. Soulful songstress Kelly Price recently opened up to the lovely ladies over at CocoaFab about her ongoing battle with weight loss and having to walk on egg shells as a “big girl” in the industry. Peep some of what she had to say below.
On her struggles with weight loss:
“I’m a big girl that comes from a big family, with a very slow metabolism and if I don’t exercise I cannot [lose weight]. Even if I’m not doing bad eating wise, I can stay the same, but I can’t lose weight. I have to stay mobile and that’s good for me because I need to keep myself moving. It’s really hard keep on track while being on the road, but I can’t go very long without feeling it. My body will remind me, ‘You have to get up and do something.’ I am grateful for that. In that sense, I’ve retrained my body to miss it if I don’t exercise.”
On why maintaining a healthy weight is important:
“To be able to use a God-given gift and to live from it and to really live well from it, I would be a fool to allow being undisciplined to cut my life short and so that’s really what it’s about. I fall off the wagon, but you know that wagon is still parked in the garage so I get back on it.”
On the industry’s cruelty towards larger people:
“I was always the fat girl. It was super extra hard because we didn’t have a whole lot [growing up], so I didn’t dress fly. I didn’t have any of that stuff happening. And then coming into this industry, I was known for being talented, but I was still the fat girl. And it wasn’t what people were looking for. There’s a lot that you hear, there’s a lot of cruelty out there. Some of it comes from the executive offices. It comes from other artists at times. It was a very difficult thing to overcome.”
On having to always portray herself as sweet and non-threatening because of her weight:
“When I first came into this business, I had to, for the sake of being able to sell myself as an artist, always be happy and jovial and smiling. I was the happy nice girl. And I am a happy nice girl, but I have my moments too. But you kind of know that you can’t afford to have a bad moment because you’re also the fat girl and you’re going to give them another reason to talk about you. “
On how she overcame it all:
“I kind of had to come into my own and again it was the realization that I came from nothing, except for my foundation in faith and I’ve been given this great opportunity. And as far as I’m concerned, that happened because God let it happen. There was no person, whether they thought I was too fat, too black, too country, too ghetto, too New York, too thug, too whatever. Nobody ultimately had the say over whether or not I was going to make it. So again, it falls back to my foundation of faith. Sometimes I gotta look in the mirror say, ‘Hey, they’re still saying you’re too fat, but you’re here. They gotta take it or leave it.’ And in most cases, if they leave it, it’s all good because they don’t need to be in my space anyway.”
Turn the page to watch Kelly’s interview and hear her sample a few lines from “Heartbreak Hotel.”
No matter if it’s damage from a past relationship or past failures, it’s not uncommon for someone’s self-confidence to take a hit after a negative experience. Most people recover, but there are some men and women who carry those setbacks with them and in term end up lacking just a bit in the self-esteem department. If you’re dating someone who is insecure, you know just how challenging the relationship can be, but, don’t give up just yet! Here are 14 dos and don’ts to keep in mind while dating this type of person.
Will Smith Says To Be Married, ‘You Have to Be Willing to Collide with the Weakest Parts of Yourself’
When seemingly unbreakable Hollywood couples are discussed, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are a pair that often come to mind. We’ve watched their 17-year relationship blossom before our eyes and it appears to grow stronger each day. Will recently discussed love, marriage, and the importance of striving to be better for your partner, during a recent appearance in Philly, reports Necole Bitchie. Check out a bit of what he had to say.
On the importance of being the best possible person for your partner:
“When we got started, we both truly connected on wanting to be better. That’s where it all started. There were other people that we were dating and other people that we were attracted to, but there was a commitment to constantly be better that was what we connected on. Our whole world and relationship was that, “Hey, I know that I may not be all of that today but what I’m not going to do is lay around and not keep working to be better to deserve you.”
“I would say that concept is very central to having any success in this game of love at all. The central idea of love is not even a relationship commitment, the first thing is a personal commitment to be the best version of yourself with or without that person that you’re with. You have to every single day, mind, body, and spirit, wake up with a commitment to be better. Don’t make that same mistake tomorrow that you made today.”
On why “deal breakers” are a contradiction of love:
“The idea is that you are two people together, but in that process, the marriage cannot be a prison. There has to be a freedom that allows a person to grow. A person has to be allowed to make mistakes, and a person has to be allowed to become and grow without the threat of punishment. I think that in the concept of our marriages because of our own insecurities, we lay it out in a way like, ‘Hey, that’s a deal breaker.’ I hear people talk about the concept of the deal breakers and it’s really in conflict with loving somebody.”
On addressing insecurities:
“When I think about my relationship with Jada, when it comes to love, as soon as you put yourself in a love relationship, you’ve got to check your insecurities. When you love somebody, and you feel yourself slipping, you will fight, scratch, and claw, to not be in that uncomfortable space. You have traumas that happen with your mother and father, or an old girlfriend, or an old boyfriend, that you’ve got to address personally if you want to truly be able to love somebody. Our traumas keep us away from being able to truly love someone unconditionally.”
“In this world, there are difficulties with just getting out of the bed everyday. Trying to love on top of that is excruciating. It is absolutely not something to be taken lightly or easy when you say you’re going to marry somebody, you have to be willing to go through hell. You have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself…”
On how being married to Jada has changed him for the better:
“Jada has made me a better person than anyone on earth could have every done. There is nobody on Earth at this point that in my life and in my career with the successes and the things that I’ve done, there is nobody on Earth that I would still try to be better for. [...] Jada is a beast. Just her passion, power, and relentless unwillingness to let me lay down at night when I’ve only done 92 percent of what I was supposed to do that day, holds me to a higher standard.”
Will and Jada appear to have a beautiful relationship and he’s dishing out some pretty sound advice.
What are your thoughts on his outlook on love, commitment and relationships?
Women of color come in so many beautiful shades. Unfortunately, there is a color complex that plagues the Black community. A complex that impacts both men and women, placing negative stigmas on darker toned skin. CNikky.com recently caught up with “Ice” singer, Kelly Rowland at ESSENCE’s Black Women In Hollywood Luncheon. During the interview, the former Destiny’s Child star got indubitably candid about one particular struggle that she dealt with regarding her self-image, and that was her beautiful brown skin.
“You know what I had great women in my life to help me overcome that. I remember I went through a period where I didn’t embrace my ‘chocolatiness.’ I don’t know if that’s a word, but I didn’t embrace my chocolate lifestyle. Just being a chocolate, lovely brown skin girl and being proud of that. I remember Tina Knowles, Bey’s mom and I remember being out in the sun and I was trying to shield myself from the sun and she said, ‘Are you crazy?’ She said ‘You are absolutely gorgeous’ and she just told me how beautiful I was and how rare chocolate is and how gorgeous the skin is, all of this stuff. And I was just like ‘Yeah!’ Like a light went off and so with that and my mother and me sitting out in the sun a little more, just to be a little more chocolate,” she revealed.
Kelly also had a word of advice to offer to women who may be struggling with insecurities in their own lives.
“You just embrace it. You embrace everything that you are as a woman, even your flaws too. And those things that you want to fix too and you work at making them better.”
Kelly Rowland is such a beautiful person, on the inside and out. It is very admirable that she is comfortable enough to speak candidly about an issue that people are generally so hush-hush about. Hopefully her transparency will be helpful to another young woman who may be struggling with similar insecurities.
What do you think of Kelly’s revelation?
It was that great poet laureate from Brooklyn, Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter, who once poetically avowed in the song, “Heart of the City (Ain’t No Love)” that, Males shouldn’t be jealous that’s a female trait.
For some reason, it is an accepted belief that women, and women alone, succumb to the enticement of the green-eyed monster. If you ask most folks, be it woman or man, they will probably confirm that in general, women tend to be more catty and jealous than men and are more likely to act out of malice towards other women because of our envy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this sentiment casually roll off the tongue as if it were fact, and how many times, in turn, I have rolled my eyes as a response. I’m always amazed at how many people are willing to believe that women are the only gender capable of acting out badly based upon their inability to check their emotions.
Well I am here to tell you that unless he has been diagnosed with some sort of anti-social personality disorder, you can bet that men do indeed have emotions. I know, shocker right? Well let me blow your mind even further: that envy, which men might feel over an individual, can too be directed at other men. I’ll give you a second to process that point…
…got it together now? Okay good.
Show me a guy that is extremely gorgeous and happens to attract lots of attention from the opposite gender, and I’ll show you at least a dozen guys ready to pounce on him like Nino Brown did to the poor beautiful delicate flower Kareem Akbar in New Jack City (we know that was because he was light-skinned and pretty, right?). You might think I’m exaggerating, but if you want to witness true shade in action, pay close attention to how some men will speak of other men, whom they find threatening in some way. Men might not be as direct as women and attack a man over his physical appearance (i.e. shoes, body type, hair, etc…), but he will execute a well-aimed yet subtle hint about this man’s sexual preference and sit back as all his personal insecurities, fears and anxiety are transferred onto the back of the poor unsuspected schmuck.
Like for instance, I posted a promotional picture of the Kenyan Rugby “futbol” squad on my Facebook page. All the players in the picture were shirtless and were either in a pair of shorts or had a towel wrapped around the waist. And while all the men looked different, what was noticeable was how deliciously fit and toned their bodies were. I posted the picture a few months back so I can’t remember exactly how I captioned it (and I’m too lazy to search my timeline for the answer), however, I do recall writing something tongue and cheek and suggestive about orchestrating a real single ladies tour back to the Motherland (In my Beyoncé voice, singing, “If you like me than you should have put that thing on me…”). Anyway, the picture got lots of attention from the ladies in my network, who “liked,” shared and co-signed their newfound appreciation for international rugby. And the hens must have been having way too much fun because in the midst of us cackling about this fictitious voyage we were mentally embarking on, a male Facebook friend of mine decided he needed to offer his thoughts on why we were wasting our lustful time:
“I’m pretty sure that at least two of the guys in the picture are sweet.”
“Sweet” as in lacking in masculinity and/or bravery. Also used to describe a man with homosexual tendencies. And with that, all the chuckling and virtual hi-fiving had come to a screeching and uncomfortable halt. How my male Facebook friend was able to gauge individual sexuality just from looking at a single picture of men standing around pretty innocuous – with the exception of their missing shirts – is beyond my scope of understanding how “gaydar” actually works. Nevertheless, my Facebook friend was certain of this fact enough and felt compelled to cue us ladies in – just in case we were thinking of getting a little too carried away in our mid-day fantasies.
Although my Facebook friend may have felt that he was just poking fun at these brothers (and indirectly at us women), what I found very telling (and annoying), was how he felt that just putting out questions about these brothers’ sexuality would be enough to add insult in hopes of detracting away from the attention they were receiving because of their physical beauty. Nope. Sorry. For one, it’s a damn picture. I don’t even know any of these guys’ names, what positions they play or even how the hell rugby is played (I’m guessing there is a ball involved somewhere…). So why would I give two craps if these guys in this picture are gay or not? Matter of fact, when did being gay and being aesthetically pleasing to the eyes become mutually exclusive?
Anyway, this is what I told him in the comment section below the picture. And of course, this sparked an unnecessary debate in which he accused me of being sensitive and angry. But I swear I wasn’t angry, although I will admit to being a bit annoyed. I know how it goes when men want to make another guy look bad in front of the opposite sex. After all, jealousy and envy are emotions that both genders share. However, just as more women are becoming more conscious about how hurtful and counterproductive body-snarking is among women, I wish that more men would too stop the hate and understand that your insecurities and anxieties are no reason to be borderline homophobic.
Has your girlfriend ever suddenly acted distant, needed to take a walk, or not felt like talking? It’s because she’s insecure about something that just took place! Even if you didn’t tease her or raise an eyebrow, sometimes your silence can be worse than anything when you’ve triggered one of your girlfriend’s points of insecurity. We know: you’re silent because you had no idea she was upset. But get with the program and know women need comfort and reassurance in these situations.
She maybe a now legendary supermodel but that has never, EVER stopped anyone from talking about Trya’s huge forehead.
Well, ABC is now ready to give Tyra and her forehead some shine. They’ve accepted a scripted comedy co-created by Tyra and Kenya Barris called Fivehead (the “street” name for an unusually big forehead). The show will be based on all the jokes and her life growing up as a teenager with a…fivehead. She said, “In high school, if you have glasses, you’re a ‘four eyes’, if you have braces, you’re a ‘metal mouth’ but if you had my forehead? You’re a FIVEHEAD.” Well, I can’t say that she’s wrong in that assessment. From the description, it seems as though it will sort of follow the direction of Everybody Hates Chris.
Barris and Banks will create the characters together and then Barris will write the script. Barris has worked with Tyra on many projects, including America’s Next Top Model. They’ve also been friends since since they were kids and went to school together so its only right he play a huge part in the creation of the show.
I’m so not mad at Tyra for this! When you see an opening or a lane, you have to go for what you know. But ABC is notorious for canceling shows if they don’t do big numbers the first week so I hope it’ll be good.
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