All Articles Tagged "bad sex"
In college, I did something I swore I would never. After seeing this guy around campus, talking to him and deciding I was feeling his vibe, I asked him out on a date. We went out a couple of times and things were going really well. So well, in fact, that after spending a good week and some agonizing about it, I figured I should tell him about my situation.
I drove over to his apartment to talk. And after a few good minutes of trivial conversation, I told him that I was a virgin, that I’d made a decision to try to wait until marriage to have sex. He chuckled for a second and shook his head, a knowing smile spreading across his lips.
Then said, “I used to be just like you.”
I took that as a good sign.
But he continued. “Then I had sex. And it’s like Pringles.”
I filled in the blank with the popular slogan. “Once you pop…”
We talked for a minute about, interestingly enough, his sexual past a few other things. I thought, ‘Great, he didn’t kick me out. That must mean he’s cool with it.’
But as he was walking me out to my car, he said, “I could never marry someone I had never had sex with…sorry.”
Maybe that sounds harsher than it really was. But I told him I understood. And I did. He was saying what was true for him. And, as virginity has the tendency to do, it let me know that he wasn’t “the one.”
I was giggled down writing this story because I hadn’t thought about it in quite some time. But today, it came flooding back.
Tyrese and Rev Run, his co-host on OWN’s “It’s Not You, It’s Men,” made an appearance on “The Doctors.” And during that time, they were talking about sex before marriage. While Rev Run, is presumably, a proponent for waiting until marriage, Tyrese is not.
“It’s enough people getting married and filing for divorce. There’s enough people out here saying, ‘I’m a born again virgin. I’ve had sex before, but I’m just going to hold back.”
“I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m not going to have sex, I’m not going to touch you because it’s biblical.”
“However, I would say, I’m not willing to potentially marry bad sex. ”
“If I have one car to test drive, you gotta jump in and do a couple turns. Put in reverse, back up. I’m not marring bad sex!”
I sometimes wonder if Oprah looks back on the decision to hire Tyrese and cringes. Long before he signed that contract, Tyrese had made a name for himself saying and doing some disconcerting things, especially when it comes to his opinions and thoughts on women.
I mean, Tyrese is certainly entitled to his opinion. Sex is an important component in a romantic relationship. And if he doesn’t want to enter a marriage without being sure that it’s good, I understand that, just like I understood it with homeboy back in college.
But can I tell y’all, I am so, so tired of not only Tyrese but many others comparing women to cars, inanimate objects, with miles on them. Not only does it suggest that a woman is something to be bought or obtained, it also suggests that she has the ability to depreciate based on the number of sexual partners or what you, a man, thinks about the workings of her vagina. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the days of “You remind me of my Jeep,” are over.
Additionally, what I also don’t understand about Tyrese’s comments are the way he equated bad sex with the divorce rate. I’m sure there are some people, somewhere who couldn’t make it work because of a lack of sexual chemistry; but I’m willing to bet that most people who commit themselves to another for life, are not going to let something as “fixable” as bad sex cause them to leave their marriage.
Since Tyrese is giving so much advice these days, I would love to know what caused his marriage to fall apart.
Perhaps that will come up later during the course of the show.
But until then, what do you think about Tyrese’s comments about not wanting to marry someone who is celibate?
Watch his full comments and Rev Run’s rebuttal in the video below.
I’d been on the prowl for a lover: a man who could pick me up, slam me against a desk and really do me good. I thought I’d found him. Let’s call him Ethan: a 6’1″ amateur bodybuilder with a delicious hazelnut skin tone, killer six-pack and … er … packing (on par with The Game 🙌).
In my bedroom, things got off to a racy start and it didn’t take long before we were skin to skin. Clocking in at five years my junior, I couldn’t wait to be blown away by his youthful stamina and abundant blessing. But, alas, there were no epic moans of pleasure from my end — just quiet boredom. It ended just as soon as it started, but worse still was Ethan’s disconnected yet braggadocious approach to sex.
There was no kissing. His disingenuous, uninspired dirty talk was more of a distraction than a turn-on really. There were, of course, multiple unwelcome attempts to slide up into my booty, and he periodically checked himself out flexing his pecs in the mirror. The whole ordeal felt as though he was putting on a show — for himself. I wondered if he’d ever had sex with a real person before.
During pillow talk (and I use that term very loosely in this context), Ethan dispelled my theory that he’d never had sex with a human by telling me a warming story about how he’d had a threesome with two older women. “I like older women. Do you usually go for younger guys like myself?” is how he ended his story. He then went on to tell me an equally charming story about the time he and his then girlfriend had given each other golden showers. The girl had also drunk some of his pee, but he had refused to drink hers. How touching. He wore his words like a badge of honor, like they gave him some hard earned sex cred or something.
I figured these stories he was recounting were meant to impress me, so I indulged him, “Oh, that’s interesting. Do golden showers turn you on?”
“No. Not really,” he replied.
If you’ve spent even just 15 minutes on an adult sex site then you’ll know there’s a good chance that Ethan picked up most of his sex game from those videos. It turns out that other women have endured similar experiences as mine; in a Dame Magazine article (Has Porn Ruined Our Sex Lives Forever?), Jill Hamilton writes what one woman said about her experience, “Having sex with men who are avid porn users feels like I’m being masturbated into.”
Porn is largely manufactured for male consumption, which means that the focus is primarily on male pleasure. Hamilton explains, “Because porn isn’t exactly concerned with portraying the nuances of female desire and how to truly pleasure women and bring them to their peak. If viewers are looking to it to learn technique, they’ve definitely come to the wrong place.”
Not only does learning technique from porn present its own shortcomings, but some people may feel pressured to keep up with the sexual kink expectations set by porn, which may not be genuine personal turn-ons for some folks. Some women might feel obligated to take a load on the face, while some men and women might feel obligated to get urinated on.
Adult videos alone are not sex education. Adult videos can misinform both men and women on what constitutes good sex, and often misses out the small details that make an enjoyable sexual experience for both partners. As I’ve written about in the past, sex is team sport, and one that requires due care and attention.
Ethan wanted to sleep over but I lied that I had to get up really early at 5am, so it was probably best that he leave. When he finally left, I felt a strong urge to clean and Febreeze my whole apartment. I had to remove his scent from my sheets, and erase any trace of him ever being there — erase the memory of him forever.
Dear Unsatisfactory Lover,
Effective immediately, your services shall no longer be required and all previous privileges and access rights to my vajayjay have been permanently revoked. You showed such great promise, however, your complete oblivion to my dissatisfaction with your sexual performance became too much to bear. I understand that this may come to you as a shock so allow me to calm some of your fears by offering a few tidbits of advice that you can later reflect on and apply going forward in your future endeavors.
1. Stick to the Schedule
Showing up late or sticking around well past the agreed upon session time is not how this type of arrangement works. Let’s be real — we were not dating, we were not even friends, we were just f-ck buddies, so understand that I’ve got sh-t to do that doesn’t involve you for the remaining 23 hours of my day. Be punctual and consistent.
2. “Cleanliness is next to godliness”
Bathing is your friend. As a courtesy, please freshen up your musty balls, clean you finger nails, scrub your face and brush your teeth before coming over.
3. Always keep condoms on hand
Thought you could finagle your way into smashing raw? Think again! I still remember that split second look of disappointment on your face when I pulled out my own box of condoms since you’d conveniently forgotten to buy some (again). You really tried it.
4. Use your fingers (properly)
Notice how I said “fingers” (plural)? That half-hearted lone finger thing you do does nobody any favors. Even my gynecologist does a better job than you. So go ahead and shove two or three of those bad boys up there… like really get them up there and feel around for a bit.
5. Oral sex is a two-way street
It’s quite simple really:
You eat = I suck; or
You don’t eat = I leave.
Those are your options.
6. Congratulations you have a big d*ck! Now put it to good use
Big or small, you’ve still got to put in work. Having a big penis doesn’t give you license to lie on your back the whole time and watch me do all the work. Sex is a team sport.
7. No, I don’t believe that your penis accidentally found its way to my booty hole
Oh the trickery! Did you seriously think that I wouldn’t notice you trying to slide your behemoth of a penis up my butt hole? You’re not that slick. Any anal play requires a pre-consultation and assessment, after which I still reserve the right to say no. Bottom line, don’t just go for gold without asking.
8. Pay attention
Instead of worrying about how good your muscles look in the mirror or the forced porno sounds that you insist on making, put more effort into following directions and being attentive to what’s actually working. Every woman is different which means that you need to learn your new partner’s preferences.
9. Sex doesn’t end when you ejaculate if I haven’t climaxed yet
Ditto Missy Elliot when she said, “I don’t want no one-minute man.” If you’re quick to cross the finish line, might I suggest that you rub one out beforehand. If that doesn’t work, communicate and slow down the pace if need be. If that doesn’t work, refer back to #4 (use your fingers) and #5 (oral sex). Sex is meant to be mutually beneficial, so if you can’t deliver…
Good luck to you and to the next woman you have sex with.
What are some of the things that bad ex-lovers have had you endure?
Sex. It’s often the theme of many songs, the center of controversy, the subject of conversation among friends, and probably thought about more than some of us ‘ladies’ would care to admit. If you ask most women, good sex can make you think twice about leaving a relationship, though there are many other factors involved. But what about bad sex? If good sex can make you stay, can bad sex make you leave? If a man doesn’t know how to please you in bed, is it a deal breaker that can result in your withdrawal from the relationship?
According to one of my friends, if the sex is wack, there is absolutely no need to continue in the relationship. Her reasoning is that if the sex is not good, she dreads doing it. The thought repulses her. This in turn could cause cheating in the relationship. While I’m not totally sure I agree with her sentiment, research suggests that she is not alone.
According to some psychologists (including Dr. Phil), the belief that sex doesn’t matter in a relationship is a dangerous one. It does matter. But the question is, just how much? According to a Gallup poll, sex might not be everything but it registers higher on the “importance scale” when it comes to relationships.
I’ve had this discussion with several of my other friends, most of whom have concluded that if a man cannot satisfy their sexual desires, the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. The consensus was that he has to know what he’s doing in bed, and at a certain point, they aren’t willing to work with a man’s lack of intimate knowledge.
To elaborate even further, most women I’ve spoken with say that sex is best when there is a profound emotional connection. So if the sex is wack, does it mean that such a connection isn’t there? I’m not one to kiss and tell. And I’m certainly not one to be publicly open with conversations about sex. But I can say with certainty that my best sex has been with not only a man that I loved but one that I also shared a deep connection with. It’s been proven that you can love someone and not have intense chemistry; but can you be sexually attracted to someone without that type of bond?
While my former boyfriend and I shared an indescribable connection that found its way into the bedroom, could it have been the sex that actually made our bond stronger in the first place? Though I can’t answer this question, I do know that ‘getting it in’ was a major part of our relationship. And it was certainly a memorable time in my life.
Research shows sex is one of the main reasons couples argue, often above money, housework and other common sources of conflict. Most of the research points to the lack of sex in a relationship; but the question isn’t if there isn’t enough sex being had, it’s what if the sex just isn’t good? Can love surpass subpar sexual encounters?
There are some women I’ve spoken with that are way more tolerant than others. The women who say they can work with a man to help him get his sex game where it needs to be. But seriously, at a certain age, is it your job to teach sex education? Just asking.
Whether sex is the basis of a relationship or merely a part of it, at some point, it will become a factor. But will it cause you to be closer to or stray away from your man if the sex isn’t where you want it to be?
Everyone has had bad sex a few times in life. If you don’t think you have, then you’ve probably never had good sex, but I digress. Before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I used to give my partner credit for messing up the situation. Now that I’ve got so many things going on in my mental mind, and since sex is largely a head game, I probe deep into the recesses of my brain to figure out whether the bad sex is situational or whether it leads to a bigger story for me and my disease.
After a gut-wrenching breakup and a long, celibate depression I’d convinced myself that I was ready for a little bit of carnal pleasure. I chose a man to whom I was attracted and with whom I’d already shared some fun times. He turned out to be a dud, moving around but basically just laying there. And he was on top. I honestly could’ve cried in the middle and I don’t think he would’ve noticed. And I wanted to cry. Not just because of the bad sex — believe me when I say that it was horrible — but because I’d misjudged our attraction, or at least misjudged something before we got into bed.
After “Mr. Flops Around Like A Dying Fish,” I rightfully convinced myself that I’d experienced a one-off situation. It bears mentioning that he kept on his underwear during our encounter, so how good could it ever have been? I knew that the problem was largely his and not mine, so I shrugged it off for the fluke it was and set my sights on my next lover. He was a friend of about three years and we had a great time together. We also had very high sexual tension and one night decided to become physical. Though we only made out and decided to save sex for another occasion, I could sense that our chemistry would make for an enjoyable encounter.
When the time came to consummate my relationship with a man I’ll call “FWB” (friend with benefits) what started off as a passionate exchange soon became a bland event. I couldn’t get myself situated properly, or maybe he was having some physical issue because he’s seven years older than me. No matter who caused the bad sex, it was right there with us and nobody seemed satisfied. I didn’t mention it to Mr. FWB, but I wondered: was I ready for sex after my depression, or did I have some sort of sexual setback?
As far as setbacks were concerned, I had aged a few years while I was celibate and my body was not what it had been before. Also, I’d gone from having regular sex with a partner I had known for ten years to someone far less familiar. Maybe I couldn’t expect to reach levels of ecstasy unless I was in a committed relationship?
The other question about my depression was a little bit harder to answer. For me, depression leads to a complete loss of libido. When I’m in the throes of a depressive episode, I can’t even get out of bed, let alone consider inviting someone into it. That my experience of bad sex was due to lingering depression made sense to me. It also made sense that I was still hesitant to get involved romantically following the end of my last relationship, which had ended in infidelity. I spent a good deal of time pondering my recovery, and my feelings about sex and dating.
Fortunately, I came to the conclusion that though I might have been a bit gun shy after some bad experiences, my overall outlook was positive. I was able to write. I had social contact with friends and family. I looked forward to starting every day in a way that I hadn’t when I was depressed. In short, I was doing OK and I gave myself the “all clear” to continue a relationship with Mr. FWB. And fortunately, we eventually learned each other’s sexual quirks and desires. I’m not going to say that we have mind-blowing sex, but it’s definitely pleasant, and definitely something I missed while I was depressed.
A friend of mine told me an interesting story recently about a girl she knows who thought she met the perfect guy.
He’s fine. He graduated from Yale. He has a great job. And most importantly, he treated her well.
However, despite having it all together in almost every area of his life, he was…how do I say this?
Well, he was subpar in the sack. Sorry to say it in such a harsh way, but clearly that is the perfect way to describe the sex. How do I know? She broke up with the poor fella over it.
According to my friend, her girlfriend liked the guy a lot, but she could not overlook the fact that there was a level of passion missing from their relationship. They had been dating for less than a year, and even though things started off nicely, slowly, she started to have that feeling. It is the feeling you get when you know something is off, but you don’t want to put the spotlight on it. You don’t want to talk about it or pay it too much attention because you are happy, and you’ve finally found a great catch who is amazing on paper.
Confused as to whether or not she was about to sabotage a good thing over something she initially didn’t think was important, she tried to ignore that feeling.
However, as months passed, there was no more avoiding it: he was simply bad in bed. Eventually, she had to say something (not by telling him how bad he was, but by saying that she wanted to spice things up). So they tried different things, different moves, and different places.
Still no dice.
She put on a good front in the bedroom while she could, moaning and pretending that she was getting her world rocked, and her boots knocked. But alas, as Blaine and Antoine of the “Men on Film” skit would say, “Hated it!”
So about two months ago, after being wined and dined and appreciated by a genuinely good man, she ended things. While he had some great qualities and treated her well, she could not ignore the fact that when she was with him, she didn’t feel…fire. The fire that makes you look at your man after he says or does something unexpectedly awesome in public, and think a thought that’s a little too Rated R for me to try and put into words. The romance was there, but the passion? Not so much. She couldn’t help but think that she was settling, and that there could be someone else out there who could make her feel that fire. So she went looking…
With that in mind, I am wondering just how important is the passion in a relationship to you?
For me, it is important–but it is not that doggone important. At least, it is not important enough to make me want to leave you where you stand after you’ve made me happy in every other area of our relationship for quite some time. I am a naive believer in the idea that if you speak openly about how you feel or what you would like in your relationship (and in your bedroom), changes can happen. Tricks can be tried. Lingerie can be worn. The passion can come alive again. However, if we try all those changes, tricks, and lingerie, and the spark you’re looking for is still missing (so much so that you feel trapped in your relationship), then hey, maybe it’s best to end it. Maybe it is best to not string someone along while you tell all your friends how wack that someone is in bed. That is not cool, and that is not anyone’s business but you and your baby’s.
However, in this particular case, this woman honestly thought the grass would be greener on the other side. So she went looking, found a new guy, dated him for a little while, and then realized she wanted out. After exiting that situation, she realized that she may have messed up big time with the man she left behind because of unsatisfying sex. She told my friend that she still thinks he is “the one.” So she reached out and made an effort to connect with him again recently. He never responded.
Guess you really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone…
So was she petty for this decision? She did try. Or is a lack of passion in a relationship, specifically in the bedroom, something you cannot ignore?
Falling in love can be an awesome experience and it usually happens without much warning. You meet the most amazing guy who is attentive, respectful and loving. It’s a dream come true! But once you seal the deal under the sheets, you are left less than satisfied. All of a sudden your superman isn’t making you soar as high as you had imagined but you still adore him. You don’t want to let him go quite yet. You do what all girls do, you hold a conference call and discuss with your posse, and they assure you that the best is yet to come if you just hang in there. You agree, and decide to be as optimistic as possible. But after a couple of months, it’s clear that you most likely won’t ever experience the level of ecstasy that one assigns to the love of their life. What next?
Finding a guy who measures up to all of your expectations can be a tall order, so when you are lucky enough to stumble on “the one”, you are inclined to do everything to make it work. But can you really submit to someone who doesn’t quite fulfill you sexually or who doesn’t match your sexual prowess? I have a few friends who have encountered this dilemma and in all honesty it can be a challenging situation. One of them ended up cheating which wasn’t a total surprise. She was still friendly with her ex and they met up one night for drinks and headed straight to her apartment for a long overdue session. She admits that even though they are both sexually compatible, he is still not able to give her what she needs in the ways that really count. She is simply not able to give up her multiple orgasms even if it threatens her fragile bond with the man she truly cares for. At first I was her biggest critic. I labeled her “selfish” and “immature,” and made her feel guilty, but I did this out of love. I knew how much she wanted to settle down with the right partner and the guy she was seriously dating seemed like the right fit. Why would she yield to her unwavering sexual appetite and ruin her chances of happily ever after?
Then I became privy to a similar fate. I met this guy who was as close to perfection as I could ever imagine. We waited at least a month before “going there.” Our make out sessions were energetic enough to give me hope of what was to come. But the first night proved to be a dud. It was awkward, stilted and brief, and I was left confused but still hopeful. The first time can be weird and maybe it was my fault for allowing my imagination to run wild. But things didn’t improve. Despite our best intentions and hard work, I was left feeling empty and wishing for a drawer filled with over-powered dildos. I tried to convince myself that sex is just one aspect of a successful relationship. I wanted to embrace my future with this man because I knew he could potentially be a devoted husband and attentive father. But at the end of the day, our sexual issue was hard to ignore and we eventually broke up.
Who knew that sex could make or break a relationship? I didn’t until it happened to me.
Bad sex. We’ve all had it at least once in our lives. How many times have you wished you could get those 2 hours (or 2 minutes) of your life back when you could’ve spent the evening washing and twisting your hair instead? After all, he was a cute new boo and he seemed sweet, so we gave in…and maybe even gave him another chance to redeem himself – only to be disappointed yet again.
Even though bad sex can be hard to predict, especially if there’s some sort of chemistry, some would argue there are signs that the sex will be terrible before you actually have it. Now of course, there are no fail-safe signals, but if any of these signs are present, you may want to skip the romp in the sack altogether and save yourself the time and trouble.
Monique: Why is it so hard for men to commit?
Damon Young: The answer to that depends on the man. But, what it usually just comes down to is that the “commitment-reticent” man values being single more than he values being in a relationship with that particular woman.
April: Is it too much asking a man to wait? (sexual relations) and do they really lose respect for you if it is too easy to get?
DY: I realize I’m in the minority with this, but I think when a woman decides to sleep with a guy really has no bearing on his feelings for her. I mean, obviously, if there are extreme cases — i.e.: she runs up to him and starts humping him as soon as she first sees him or she makes him wait for 15 years — that probably will affect his feelings about you. But, whether you “give it up” in six days or six months, if he likes you, he likes you, and if he doesn’t like you that much, he’ll continue not liking you that much. In this sense, sex doesn’t really matter.
Natalie: Where does one draw the line post infidelity in regards to trust? How will one know if they aren’t becoming paranoid when trust is being asked of their significant other? Is trust even an option post infidelity?
DY: The question you brought up is why it’s so difficult for couples who have experienced infidelity to remain together. It’s usually not about forgiveness — people seem to have a pretty high capacity for that — but it’s the fact that the trust was damaged, and may never be repaired. And, as I’ve stated multiple times here, if you don’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. So, for a person dealing with this issue, they either have to get over it and stay or, well, not get over it and bounce.
DeAngela: What’s the best way to get through to a man about me not being ready for another child without hurting his feelings?
DY: Just, um, tell him that since you’re the one who’s going to have to carry, house, and feed a giant parasite for 9 months until it forces its way out of a tiny and extra sensitive slit on your body, you can decide not to be ready for that experience.
Cicely: How do I PUSH without nagging? I feel I know what’s best for MyMr sometimes when he doesn’t see it and fights me on it like a 3yr old boy smh… I’m not his mama so I don’t want to force my opinion down his throat BUT life is too short for procrastination
DY: Positive reinforcement is a much better strategy than nagging
Bre: IS IT OUT OF LINE FOR A FEMALE TO TRIP ON HER MAN IF HE TELLS U ..THAT WHILE GETN TO NO EACH OTHER N BFOR A RELATIONHIP WAS FORMED ..HE HAD SEX WIT SUM1 ELAS…MEAN TIME YALL ARE AWAYS TOGETHER N TALKIN N TEXTN N HAVE FEELINS FOR EACH OTHER AND HE TELLIN U ITS ONLY U BUT JUST HAVENT SAID LETS B TOGETHER…WOULD U SAY HE CHEATED OR JUST LIED….SO CONFUSED
DY: If he slept with someone while you were still just dating, while I see why you’d be upset with that, technically that’s not cheating. And, if you were texting him the same way you ask questions here, it’s easy to see why he might have been confused.
Johniece: I have been with my man for 4 years and I love him to death but the sex is not that good. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings????
DY: It’s been four years and you’re just now figuring this out? Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a tough conversation to have. You should have nipped this in the bud like 40 months ago.
I understand men have egos and Shyte, but there’s no harm in communicating your wants and asking him to do things a little differently. Most men do want their women to enjoy having sex with them, so he’ll probably be receptive to your suggestions.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
More on Madame Noire!
- Okay, I’ll Submit. But Are You Ready To Love Me? (You Know, Like Christ Loved The Church)
- An Open Letter To The Almighty Goatee
- It’s Not About You Boo: Times When Your Sensitivity Gets In The Way
- Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making Of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”
- “Girl, You’ve Got a Big ‘Ol Juicy Booty!” 7 Ways Men Hurt Their Chances With Women
- The Danger Of Marrying For Practical Purposes: Why I Think Those Who “Settle” Are Potential Cheaters
- The Thirst Files: She Pulled A Disappearing Act, I Got Desperate