All Articles Tagged "bad sex"

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: The Sex Was Wack Am I Wasting My Time?

February 25th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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The Sex Was Wack Am I Wasting My Time

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I’ve currently been talking to a guy who’s 20 yrs old. I’m turning 24 in a few days. 
We met at a get together in January and it started off as pretty clear that we were both still emotional unavailable. He was smitten with me and was very nervous to even talk to me. I felt like a cougar. He started texting me every day and wishing me good morning. I made it clear that we could only be platonic friends. But then we started getting close. Cuddling, kissing and eventually intercourse. He grew on me. 
Our first time was pretty bad because he’s only had 2 partners. I’ve had far more. I may have been too honest about my lack of satisfaction. We didn’t talk for 4 days after that and then I had to make the first steps to contact him. He was too embarrassed, we cleared it up in the end. 
So it lead to this: He says he’s afraid to get hurt and attached to me. That he doesn’t want to start anything, that sex makes him feel used and weird. He wants to stay friends but when we are together he gives me puppy eyes and is really nice to me. He worries about me if I say I’m sad and lets me vent. Kissing just always happens. He asks me if I’m seeing anyone, what I’m doing. We always talk. He’s coming over to mine on Monday for my birthday. First time we’re gonna hang alone since that night. 
I told him I don’t want to rush and I am only ready for casual stuff right now. We tell each other anything. 
WHAT IS HAPPENING? Am I wasting my time???
Dear What’s Happening,
There are four things going on here:
1. You like each other. This is clear. Perhaps it wasn’t love at first sight, but you seem to like being around each other and enjoy each other’s company.
2. He’s very young. Both in age and in relationship/sexual experience.
3. You are very young too. Perhaps you’re more experienced sexually, but going from “Hey, we’re platonic. Nothing is happening here” to “Ok, you can put the tip in” in less than a month is a sign of someone who might think they know what they want, but really don’t.
4. He likes you more than you like him.
Fortunately, none of these are bad things. What can potentially be a bad thing, though, is if you continue this ambiguity without any type of parameters or rules. Casual with occasional sex works in theory, but once feelings are involved — and, again, you both seem to like each other — “casual” has a tendency to lead to “hurt feelings.”
Basically, if you want to date each other, date each other. And, if you want to just be cool with each other and leave the sex alone, just be cool with each other and leave the sex alone. Either way, figure out what you want, have an actual conversation about it, and…follow through. Only then will you be able to gauge whether you’re wasting your time.
Damon Young

Is Sexual Compatibility More Valuable Than Love?

May 21st, 2014 - By Ezinne Ukoha
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Falling in love can be an awesome experience and it usually happens without much warning. You meet the most amazing guy who is attentive, respectful and loving. It’s a dream come true! But once you seal the deal under the sheets, you are left less than satisfied. All of a sudden your superman isn’t making you soar as high as you had imagined but you still adore him. You don’t want to let him go quite yet. You do what all girls do, you hold a conference call and discuss with your posse, and they assure you that the best is yet to come if you just hang in there. You agree, and decide to be as optimistic as possible. But after a couple of months, it’s clear that you most likely won’t ever experience the level of ecstasy that one assigns to the love of their life. What next?

Finding a guy who measures up to all of your expectations can be a tall order, so when you are lucky enough to stumble on “the one”, you are inclined to do everything to make it work. But can you really submit to someone who doesn’t quite fulfill you sexually or who doesn’t match your sexual prowess? I have a few friends who have encountered this dilemma and in all honesty it can be a challenging situation. One of them ended up cheating which wasn’t a total surprise. She was still friendly with her ex and they met up one night for drinks and headed straight to her apartment for a long overdue session. She admits that even though they are both sexually compatible, he is still not able to give her what she needs in the ways that really count. She is simply not able to give up her multiple orgasms even if it threatens her fragile bond with the man she truly cares for. At first I was her biggest critic. I labeled her “selfish” and “immature,” and made her feel guilty, but I did this out of love. I knew how much she wanted to settle down with the right partner and the guy she was seriously dating seemed like the right fit. Why would she yield to her unwavering sexual appetite and ruin her chances of happily ever after?

Then I became privy to a similar fate. I met this guy who was as close to perfection as I could ever imagine. We waited at least a month before “going there.” Our make out sessions were energetic enough to give me hope of what was to come. But the first night proved to be a dud. It was awkward, stilted and brief, and I was left confused but still hopeful. The first time can be weird and maybe it was my fault for allowing my imagination to run wild. But things didn’t improve. Despite our best intentions and hard work, I was left feeling empty and wishing for a drawer filled with over-powered dildos. I tried to convince myself that sex is just one aspect of a successful relationship. I wanted to embrace my future with this man because I knew he could potentially be a devoted husband and attentive father. But at the end of the day, our sexual issue was hard to ignore and we eventually broke up.

Who knew that sex could make or break a relationship? I didn’t until it happened to me.

Girl, Don’t Waste Your Time: 9 Signs He Might Be Wack in Bed!

December 9th, 2012 - By Brooke Dean
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Bad sex. We’ve all had it at least once in our lives. How many times have you wished you could get those 2 hours (or 2 minutes) of your life back when you could’ve spent the evening washing and twisting your hair instead? After all, he was a cute new boo and he seemed sweet, so we gave in…and maybe even gave him another chance to redeem himself – only to be disappointed yet again.

Even though bad sex can be hard to predict, especially if there’s some sort of chemistry, some would argue there are signs that the sex will be terrible before you actually have it. Now of course, there are no fail-safe signals, but if any of these signs are present, you may want to skip the romp in the sack altogether and save yourself the time and trouble.

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Do I Tell Him The Sex Is Wack?

September 19th, 2012 - By madamenoire
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Monique: Why is it so hard for men to commit?

Damon Young: The answer to that depends on the man. But, what it usually just comes down to is that the “commitment-reticent” man values being single more than he values being in a relationship with that particular woman.


April: Is it too much asking a man to wait? (sexual relations) and do they really lose respect for you if it is too easy to get?

DY: I realize I’m in the minority with this, but I think when a woman decides to sleep with a guy really has no bearing on his feelings for her. I mean, obviously, if there are extreme cases — i.e.: she runs up to him and starts humping him as soon as she first sees him or she makes him wait for 15 years — that probably will affect his feelings about you. But, whether you “give it up” in six days or six months, if he likes you, he likes you, and if he doesn’t like you that much, he’ll continue not liking you that much. In this sense, sex doesn’t really matter.


Natalie: Where does one draw the line post infidelity in regards to trust? How will one know if they aren’t becoming paranoid when trust is being asked of their significant other? Is trust even an option post infidelity?

DY: The question you brought up is why it’s so difficult for couples who have experienced infidelity to remain together. It’s usually not about forgiveness — people seem to have a pretty high capacity for that — but it’s the fact that the trust was damaged, and may never be repaired. And, as I’ve stated multiple times here, if you don’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. So, for a person dealing with this issue, they either have to get over it and stay or, well, not get over it and bounce.


DeAngela: What’s the best way to get through to a man about me not being ready for another child without hurting his feelings?

DY: Just, um, tell him that since you’re the one who’s going to have to carry, house, and feed a giant parasite for 9 months until it forces its way out of a tiny and extra sensitive slit on your body, you can decide not to be ready for that experience.


Cicely: How do I PUSH without nagging? I feel I know what’s best for MyMr sometimes when he doesn’t see it and fights me on it like a 3yr old boy smh… I’m not his mama so I don’t want to force my opinion down his throat BUT life is too short for procrastination

DY: Positive reinforcement is a much better strategy than nagging


DY: If he slept with someone while you were still just dating, while I see why you’d be upset with that, technically that’s not cheating. And, if you were texting him the same way you ask questions here, it’s easy to see why he might have been confused.


Johniece: I have been with my man for 4 years and I love him to death but the sex is not that good. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings????

DY: It’s been four years and you’re just now figuring this out? Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a tough conversation to have. You should have nipped this in the bud like 40 months ago.

I understand men have egos and Shyte, but there’s no harm in communicating your wants and asking him to do things a little differently. Most men do want their women to enjoy having sex with them, so he’ll probably be receptive to your suggestions.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

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Good Sex, Are You Having It? The Importance of Communication In The Bedroom

July 11th, 2012 - By Nicole Akoukou Thompson
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Lover's Conversation

Lover’s Conversation

Good sex. Are you having it, and if not, wouldn’t you like to be? For your sake and the sake of your lover, I hope your answer is an enthusiastic “YES!” to the former question, and not a regrettable “yes…” to the latter. The bitter truth, however, is that most are partaking in subpar or somewhat lackadaisical sex, even though most are capable of so much more.

At its very basic level, sex is about communication. It’s about the connection between two passionate people, who are indulging in an intimate act, geared toward stimulating and igniting pleasure.  This pleasure is best achieved when both parties are aware of the other person’s needs/desires, which can only be achieved through an open channel of communication. Yes, some are lucky enough to be totally in tune with others and know how to get them hot and bothered without a word traded between them; but many don’t have said skill, which is why talking about sex and arousal is a wonderful step toward better sex. And, while talking may seem like the least sensual thing to do when it’s time to “throw down,” that talk could lead to some much appreciated, and much better hay tumbling time.

Simply think about daily conversations, interviews or off-cuff interactions with strangers, and how important it is that you convey yourself as personable and as attentive as possible. Well, take those same “putting your best foot forward” qualities and apply them to the bedroom every time. Remain engaged, laugh appropriately and be sure to listen. And when listening, don’t only listen to what your partner is saying, listen to their responses (breathing, gasping and sighs) when you touch them a certain way and listen for any possible signs of distress. Also, in the realm of listening, be sure to take your partner’s fantasies into account. If you are a bit shy about discussing your fantasies aloud, perhaps do it in an email, text or write a short letter, admitting a fantasy of yours and requesting a fantasy of theirs in return.

In addition to methods that were listed above, there are a few terms that should be kept in mind when seeking good sex, including enthusiasm. It’s so important to be enthusiastic and ambitious during sex, because it creates a positive pro-sex attitude that will encourage confidence in both you and your lover. If you are having lackluster sex on a daily basis, you probably appear as though you’re not into the whole thing, which broadcasts the idea that you would rather be doing something else. Experimentation is also good, which does not mean that you need to do anything especially weird or kinky, but perhaps you might like to introduce toys into your sex life or watch adult films together.  Anticipation and awareness are also two key factors in “knocking boots” and lovemaking. This can mean anything from being mindful of the environment in which you two are having sex, to even just understanding what your partner may need from you moment-to-moment in advance. All of these tools work hand in hand to help lovers achieve a more successful and fulfilling sexual experience. Get to talking!

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