All Articles Tagged "bad sex"
Sex. It’s often the theme of many songs, the center of controversy, the subject of conversation among friends, and probably thought about more than some of us ‘ladies’ would care to admit. If you ask most women, good sex can make you think twice about leaving a relationship, though there are many other factors involved. But what about bad sex? If good sex can make you stay, can bad sex make you leave? If a man doesn’t know how to please you in bed, is it a deal breaker that can result in your withdrawal from the relationship?
According to one of my friends, if the sex is wack, there is absolutely no need to continue in the relationship. Her reasoning is that if the sex is not good, she dreads doing it. The thought repulses her. This in turn could cause cheating in the relationship. While I’m not totally sure I agree with her sentiment, research suggests that she is not alone.
According to some psychologists (including Dr. Phil), the belief that sex doesn’t matter in a relationship is a dangerous one. It does matter. But the question is, just how much? According to a Gallup poll, sex might not be everything but it registers higher on the “importance scale” when it comes to relationships.
I’ve had this discussion with several of my other friends, most of whom have concluded that if a man cannot satisfy their sexual desires, the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. The consensus was that he has to know what he’s doing in bed, and at a certain point, they aren’t willing to work with a man’s lack of intimate knowledge.
To elaborate even further, most women I’ve spoken with say that sex is best when there is a profound emotional connection. So if the sex is wack, does it mean that such a connection isn’t there? I’m not one to kiss and tell. And I’m certainly not one to be publicly open with conversations about sex. But I can say with certainty that my best sex has been with not only a man that I loved but one that I also shared a deep connection with. It’s been proven that you can love someone and not have intense chemistry; but can you be sexually attracted to someone without that type of bond?
While my former boyfriend and I shared an indescribable connection that found its way into the bedroom, could it have been the sex that actually made our bond stronger in the first place? Though I can’t answer this question, I do know that ‘getting it in’ was a major part of our relationship. And it was certainly a memorable time in my life.
Research shows sex is one of the main reasons couples argue, often above money, housework and other common sources of conflict. Most of the research points to the lack of sex in a relationship; but the question isn’t if there isn’t enough sex being had, it’s what if the sex just isn’t good? Can love surpass subpar sexual encounters?
There are some women I’ve spoken with that are way more tolerant than others. The women who say they can work with a man to help him get his sex game where it needs to be. But seriously, at a certain age, is it your job to teach sex education? Just asking.
Whether sex is the basis of a relationship or merely a part of it, at some point, it will become a factor. But will it cause you to be closer to or stray away from your man if the sex isn’t where you want it to be?
Everyone has had bad sex a few times in life. If you don’t think you have, then you’ve probably never had good sex, but I digress. Before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I used to give my partner credit for messing up the situation. Now that I’ve got so many things going on in my mental mind, and since sex is largely a head game, I probe deep into the recesses of my brain to figure out whether the bad sex is situational or whether it leads to a bigger story for me and my disease.
After a gut-wrenching breakup and a long, celibate depression I’d convinced myself that I was ready for a little bit of carnal pleasure. I chose a man to whom I was attracted and with whom I’d already shared some fun times. He turned out to be a dud, moving around but basically just laying there. And he was on top. I honestly could’ve cried in the middle and I don’t think he would’ve noticed. And I wanted to cry. Not just because of the bad sex — believe me when I say that it was horrible — but because I’d misjudged our attraction, or at least misjudged something before we got into bed.
After “Mr. Flops Around Like A Dying Fish,” I rightfully convinced myself that I’d experienced a one-off situation. It bears mentioning that he kept on his underwear during our encounter, so how good could it ever have been? I knew that the problem was largely his and not mine, so I shrugged it off for the fluke it was and set my sights on my next lover. He was a friend of about three years and we had a great time together. We also had very high sexual tension and one night decided to become physical. Though we only made out and decided to save sex for another occasion, I could sense that our chemistry would make for an enjoyable encounter.
When the time came to consummate my relationship with a man I’ll call “FWB” (friend with benefits) what started off as a passionate exchange soon became a bland event. I couldn’t get myself situated properly, or maybe he was having some physical issue because he’s seven years older than me. No matter who caused the bad sex, it was right there with us and nobody seemed satisfied. I didn’t mention it to Mr. FWB, but I wondered: was I ready for sex after my depression, or did I have some sort of sexual setback?
As far as setbacks were concerned, I had aged a few years while I was celibate and my body was not what it had been before. Also, I’d gone from having regular sex with a partner I had known for ten years to someone far less familiar. Maybe I couldn’t expect to reach levels of ecstasy unless I was in a committed relationship?
The other question about my depression was a little bit harder to answer. For me, depression leads to a complete loss of libido. When I’m in the throes of a depressive episode, I can’t even get out of bed, let alone consider inviting someone into it. That my experience of bad sex was due to lingering depression made sense to me. It also made sense that I was still hesitant to get involved romantically following the end of my last relationship, which had ended in infidelity. I spent a good deal of time pondering my recovery, and my feelings about sex and dating.
Fortunately, I came to the conclusion that though I might have been a bit gun shy after some bad experiences, my overall outlook was positive. I was able to write. I had social contact with friends and family. I looked forward to starting every day in a way that I hadn’t when I was depressed. In short, I was doing OK and I gave myself the “all clear” to continue a relationship with Mr. FWB. And fortunately, we eventually learned each other’s sexual quirks and desires. I’m not going to say that we have mind-blowing sex, but it’s definitely pleasant, and definitely something I missed while I was depressed.
A friend of mine told me an interesting story recently about a girl she knows who thought she met the perfect guy.
He’s fine. He graduated from Yale. He has a great job. And most importantly, he treated her well.
However, despite having it all together in almost every area of his life, he was…how do I say this?
Well, he was subpar in the sack. Sorry to say it in such a harsh way, but clearly that is the perfect way to describe the sex. How do I know? She broke up with the poor fella over it.
According to my friend, her girlfriend liked the guy a lot, but she could not overlook the fact that there was a level of passion missing from their relationship. They had been dating for less than a year, and even though things started off nicely, slowly, she started to have that feeling. It is the feeling you get when you know something is off, but you don’t want to put the spotlight on it. You don’t want to talk about it or pay it too much attention because you are happy, and you’ve finally found a great catch who is amazing on paper.
Confused as to whether or not she was about to sabotage a good thing over something she initially didn’t think was important, she tried to ignore that feeling.
However, as months passed, there was no more avoiding it: he was simply bad in bed. Eventually, she had to say something (not by telling him how bad he was, but by saying that she wanted to spice things up). So they tried different things, different moves, and different places.
Still no dice.
She put on a good front in the bedroom while she could, moaning and pretending that she was getting her world rocked, and her boots knocked. But alas, as Blaine and Antoine of the “Men on Film” skit would say, “Hated it!”
So about two months ago, after being wined and dined and appreciated by a genuinely good man, she ended things. While he had some great qualities and treated her well, she could not ignore the fact that when she was with him, she didn’t feel…fire. The fire that makes you look at your man after he says or does something unexpectedly awesome in public, and think a thought that’s a little too Rated R for me to try and put into words. The romance was there, but the passion? Not so much. She couldn’t help but think that she was settling, and that there could be someone else out there who could make her feel that fire. So she went looking…
With that in mind, I am wondering just how important is the passion in a relationship to you?
For me, it is important–but it is not that doggone important. At least, it is not important enough to make me want to leave you where you stand after you’ve made me happy in every other area of our relationship for quite some time. I am a naive believer in the idea that if you speak openly about how you feel or what you would like in your relationship (and in your bedroom), changes can happen. Tricks can be tried. Lingerie can be worn. The passion can come alive again. However, if we try all those changes, tricks, and lingerie, and the spark you’re looking for is still missing (so much so that you feel trapped in your relationship), then hey, maybe it’s best to end it. Maybe it is best to not string someone along while you tell all your friends how wack that someone is in bed. That is not cool, and that is not anyone’s business but you and your baby’s.
However, in this particular case, this woman honestly thought the grass would be greener on the other side. So she went looking, found a new guy, dated him for a little while, and then realized she wanted out. After exiting that situation, she realized that she may have messed up big time with the man she left behind because of unsatisfying sex. She told my friend that she still thinks he is “the one.” So she reached out and made an effort to connect with him again recently. He never responded.
Guess you really don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone…
So was she petty for this decision? She did try. Or is a lack of passion in a relationship, specifically in the bedroom, something you cannot ignore?
Falling in love can be an awesome experience and it usually happens without much warning. You meet the most amazing guy who is attentive, respectful and loving. It’s a dream come true! But once you seal the deal under the sheets, you are left less than satisfied. All of a sudden your superman isn’t making you soar as high as you had imagined but you still adore him. You don’t want to let him go quite yet. You do what all girls do, you hold a conference call and discuss with your posse, and they assure you that the best is yet to come if you just hang in there. You agree, and decide to be as optimistic as possible. But after a couple of months, it’s clear that you most likely won’t ever experience the level of ecstasy that one assigns to the love of their life. What next?
Finding a guy who measures up to all of your expectations can be a tall order, so when you are lucky enough to stumble on “the one”, you are inclined to do everything to make it work. But can you really submit to someone who doesn’t quite fulfill you sexually or who doesn’t match your sexual prowess? I have a few friends who have encountered this dilemma and in all honesty it can be a challenging situation. One of them ended up cheating which wasn’t a total surprise. She was still friendly with her ex and they met up one night for drinks and headed straight to her apartment for a long overdue session. She admits that even though they are both sexually compatible, he is still not able to give her what she needs in the ways that really count. She is simply not able to give up her multiple orgasms even if it threatens her fragile bond with the man she truly cares for. At first I was her biggest critic. I labeled her “selfish” and “immature,” and made her feel guilty, but I did this out of love. I knew how much she wanted to settle down with the right partner and the guy she was seriously dating seemed like the right fit. Why would she yield to her unwavering sexual appetite and ruin her chances of happily ever after?
Then I became privy to a similar fate. I met this guy who was as close to perfection as I could ever imagine. We waited at least a month before “going there.” Our make out sessions were energetic enough to give me hope of what was to come. But the first night proved to be a dud. It was awkward, stilted and brief, and I was left confused but still hopeful. The first time can be weird and maybe it was my fault for allowing my imagination to run wild. But things didn’t improve. Despite our best intentions and hard work, I was left feeling empty and wishing for a drawer filled with over-powered dildos. I tried to convince myself that sex is just one aspect of a successful relationship. I wanted to embrace my future with this man because I knew he could potentially be a devoted husband and attentive father. But at the end of the day, our sexual issue was hard to ignore and we eventually broke up.
Who knew that sex could make or break a relationship? I didn’t until it happened to me.
Bad sex. We’ve all had it at least once in our lives. How many times have you wished you could get those 2 hours (or 2 minutes) of your life back when you could’ve spent the evening washing and twisting your hair instead? After all, he was a cute new boo and he seemed sweet, so we gave in…and maybe even gave him another chance to redeem himself – only to be disappointed yet again.
Even though bad sex can be hard to predict, especially if there’s some sort of chemistry, some would argue there are signs that the sex will be terrible before you actually have it. Now of course, there are no fail-safe signals, but if any of these signs are present, you may want to skip the romp in the sack altogether and save yourself the time and trouble.
Monique: Why is it so hard for men to commit?
Damon Young: The answer to that depends on the man. But, what it usually just comes down to is that the “commitment-reticent” man values being single more than he values being in a relationship with that particular woman.
April: Is it too much asking a man to wait? (sexual relations) and do they really lose respect for you if it is too easy to get?
DY: I realize I’m in the minority with this, but I think when a woman decides to sleep with a guy really has no bearing on his feelings for her. I mean, obviously, if there are extreme cases — i.e.: she runs up to him and starts humping him as soon as she first sees him or she makes him wait for 15 years — that probably will affect his feelings about you. But, whether you “give it up” in six days or six months, if he likes you, he likes you, and if he doesn’t like you that much, he’ll continue not liking you that much. In this sense, sex doesn’t really matter.
Natalie: Where does one draw the line post infidelity in regards to trust? How will one know if they aren’t becoming paranoid when trust is being asked of their significant other? Is trust even an option post infidelity?
DY: The question you brought up is why it’s so difficult for couples who have experienced infidelity to remain together. It’s usually not about forgiveness — people seem to have a pretty high capacity for that — but it’s the fact that the trust was damaged, and may never be repaired. And, as I’ve stated multiple times here, if you don’t trust someone, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. So, for a person dealing with this issue, they either have to get over it and stay or, well, not get over it and bounce.
DeAngela: What’s the best way to get through to a man about me not being ready for another child without hurting his feelings?
DY: Just, um, tell him that since you’re the one who’s going to have to carry, house, and feed a giant parasite for 9 months until it forces its way out of a tiny and extra sensitive slit on your body, you can decide not to be ready for that experience.
Cicely: How do I PUSH without nagging? I feel I know what’s best for MyMr sometimes when he doesn’t see it and fights me on it like a 3yr old boy smh… I’m not his mama so I don’t want to force my opinion down his throat BUT life is too short for procrastination
DY: Positive reinforcement is a much better strategy than nagging
Bre: IS IT OUT OF LINE FOR A FEMALE TO TRIP ON HER MAN IF HE TELLS U ..THAT WHILE GETN TO NO EACH OTHER N BFOR A RELATIONHIP WAS FORMED ..HE HAD SEX WIT SUM1 ELAS…MEAN TIME YALL ARE AWAYS TOGETHER N TALKIN N TEXTN N HAVE FEELINS FOR EACH OTHER AND HE TELLIN U ITS ONLY U BUT JUST HAVENT SAID LETS B TOGETHER…WOULD U SAY HE CHEATED OR JUST LIED….SO CONFUSED
DY: If he slept with someone while you were still just dating, while I see why you’d be upset with that, technically that’s not cheating. And, if you were texting him the same way you ask questions here, it’s easy to see why he might have been confused.
Johniece: I have been with my man for 4 years and I love him to death but the sex is not that good. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings????
DY: It’s been four years and you’re just now figuring this out? Honestly, this really shouldn’t be a tough conversation to have. You should have nipped this in the bud like 40 months ago.
I understand men have egos and Shyte, but there’s no harm in communicating your wants and asking him to do things a little differently. Most men do want their women to enjoy having sex with them, so he’ll probably be receptive to your suggestions.
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com
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Good sex. Are you having it, and if not, wouldn’t you like to be? For your sake and the sake of your lover, I hope your answer is an enthusiastic “YES!” to the former question, and not a regrettable “yes…” to the latter. The bitter truth, however, is that most are partaking in subpar or somewhat lackadaisical sex, even though most are capable of so much more.
At its very basic level, sex is about communication. It’s about the connection between two passionate people, who are indulging in an intimate act, geared toward stimulating and igniting pleasure. This pleasure is best achieved when both parties are aware of the other person’s needs/desires, which can only be achieved through an open channel of communication. Yes, some are lucky enough to be totally in tune with others and know how to get them hot and bothered without a word traded between them; but many don’t have said skill, which is why talking about sex and arousal is a wonderful step toward better sex. And, while talking may seem like the least sensual thing to do when it’s time to “throw down,” that talk could lead to some much appreciated, and much better hay tumbling time.
Simply think about daily conversations, interviews or off-cuff interactions with strangers, and how important it is that you convey yourself as personable and as attentive as possible. Well, take those same “putting your best foot forward” qualities and apply them to the bedroom every time. Remain engaged, laugh appropriately and be sure to listen. And when listening, don’t only listen to what your partner is saying, listen to their responses (breathing, gasping and sighs) when you touch them a certain way and listen for any possible signs of distress. Also, in the realm of listening, be sure to take your partner’s fantasies into account. If you are a bit shy about discussing your fantasies aloud, perhaps do it in an email, text or write a short letter, admitting a fantasy of yours and requesting a fantasy of theirs in return.
In addition to methods that were listed above, there are a few terms that should be kept in mind when seeking good sex, including enthusiasm. It’s so important to be enthusiastic and ambitious during sex, because it creates a positive pro-sex attitude that will encourage confidence in both you and your lover. If you are having lackluster sex on a daily basis, you probably appear as though you’re not into the whole thing, which broadcasts the idea that you would rather be doing something else. Experimentation is also good, which does not mean that you need to do anything especially weird or kinky, but perhaps you might like to introduce toys into your sex life or watch adult films together. Anticipation and awareness are also two key factors in “knocking boots” and lovemaking. This can mean anything from being mindful of the environment in which you two are having sex, to even just understanding what your partner may need from you moment-to-moment in advance. All of these tools work hand in hand to help lovers achieve a more successful and fulfilling sexual experience. Get to talking!
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