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I recently came across a quote that read “Everybody wants an ambitious woman until they realize they have to step their own s–t up.” I believe I liked it, screenshot it, and shared it on all my social media platforms because I could relate to it so much. I’ve often been told that I am a “too much” woman. I used to feel so offended by such a label. I couldn’t understand how I was being too much by simply demanding exactly what I want out of life or by expecting better for the person interested in me, but then I came across an article by sexuality doula Ev’yan Whitney titled “I Am a Too Much Woman”:
There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.
There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.
There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous…Forget everything you’ve heard—your too much-ness is a gift; oh yes, one that can heal, incite, liberate, and cut straight to the heart of things.
Do not be afraid of this gift, and let no one shy you away from it. Your too much-ness is magic, is medicine. It can change the world.
As I read, I let those words resonate with me and I thought about how even as an outgoing yet also introverted woman, being a so-called too much woman has affected my life, specifically, my love life. I wondered why men always seemed to be attracted to the successes that appeared in my life, but were immediately intimidated or fearful of committing to the woman attached to them. It was almost as if I looked good on paper, but was too much to actually be with in real life because it required them to do something that they weren’t ready for: grow. So I’d beat myself up for being a too much woman; for loving too hard and for pushing too hard for them to be better, certainly not for my sake, but for their own. I even simmered down a bit to be more accommodating, but that often left me feeling like I was settling. In retrospect, I realized that all of the times I believed that being too much was frowned upon was because it was usually being spewed from the mouth of a man who had nothing going for himself. So today, at this very moment, I’ve made peace with my too muchness. I wear it on my sleeve as a disclaimer to those interested: “If you can’t step up, it’s better to step off.” I’ve embraced being too much because I’ve learned that when you expect little and demand little, you get much less than you deserve.
You end up dating and convincing yourself that you’re okay with the fact that he doesn’t know what he wants yet. Okay with the fact that he hasn’t even given you a blueprint for his intentions because you believe that eventually he’ll flow into things. Okay with the fact that the separated man has baggage from his unresolved marriage because he seems to have everything else together. Okay with not getting the quality time you desire because “you need a new hobby anyway.” You’ll even convince yourself that it shows dedication and loyalty to be paying his bills because you know one day he’s going to pay you back or hold you down when you’re in trouble – despite the fact that he hasn’t even committed to you yet.
Relationships and love aside, you’ll display those same types of behaviors in all other aspects of your life. But Whitney charges us to embrace those magical moments in our lives where we finally decide to be brave enough to go for ours. She says, “Us Too Much Women have been facing extermination for centuries—we are so afraid of her, terrified of her big presence, of the way she commands respect and wields the truth of her feelings. We’ve been trying to stifle the Too Much Woman for ions—in our sisters, in our wives, in our daughters. And even now, even today, we shame the Too Much Woman for her bigness, for her wanting, for her passionate nature.
And still. . . she thrives.”
So thrive on my sisters with your too much selves.
