You Sure You Wanna Eat That, Now? 10 Foods Too Messy For Public Consumption
Yesterday on my Facebook page, I shared with the world how there was nothing sadder on this planet than a lollipop with a crack or crater in it. To which a old friend of mine chimed in that the comment alone was going to have every dude in my network trying to give me their phone number.
My friend was joking of course, however it got me thinking about the litany of foods, which have no place in public consumption. Like the lollipop. While probably my favorite of confectionery treats, around certain dirty minds, my tongue and lip game around the stick and candy ball gives the wrong (, specially wrong that you think I’m doing that to you) idea.
Don’t get me wrong: if you are starving like Marvin for a Cool J song, by all means, eat whatever you can get your hands on. But if you can wait, please wait to have this top ten list of messy delectables until you are in the comforts of your own homes. In case you were wondering yes, most of these are what we call, straight ig’nance.
Ice Cream Cone
The key to a good ice cream cone is making sure you have enough napkins on hand. If not, you are going to be licking Isht off of your hands and arms. And you are going to be constantly slurping around the base of the cone, where the ice cream meets, with your tongue just to slow the flow of milky Isht running down your hands and arms. And then you’re going to try to suck all the milky Isht leaking from the bottom tip of the cone…In your mind, you are just trying to enjoy your cone before it melts into a puddle of milky Isht. But from a far, it is looking more like a soft core Adult Videos staring you and a two scoops of double mint chocolate chip. Trust me, just get a waffle cone bowl instead.
There is no other food, which illustrates the crucial intersection between race and gender more than the phallic shaped, black monkey snack. As a black woman, it’s probably best to only consume these yellow skinned packages of protein, cut up into pieces on some corn flakes.
Sure there is no greater the diabetic rush than sugar on top of sugar bread – and if you are really fancy, with some sugar milky isht on the inside. However, nothing will ruin an outfit, or make you look like a krackhead feenin’ for his or her next hit, more than a powdered donut. Listen you can be hard-headed smart behind and argue, well that’s what napkins are for. Well you go right-on head then and have that donut with your morning coffee. By the time you get to work, you are going to look like you’d stopped off at a crime scene to outline a couple of bodies on the pavement in chalk.
Watermelon AND Chicken
I know what you are saying: Listen here DonTella Lemon. It is 2013 and I am about tired of over caring what white people think of me and blah, blah, blah…Right I get it. I truly do. Have your chicken. Have your watermelon. But for Goodness sake don’t have chicken and watermelon out in public the same sitting. I’m just saying, 2013 has already been shaping up as the year of Very Ballsy and Regressive White Folk – even Tim Allen is tripping (Et tu, “Buzz Lightyear” from Toy Story?) And having both watermelon and chicken at the same setting is just too temptation, even for the most nice and casual of racists. And unless you feel like going all Micheal Jai White and kicking some racist arse Black Dynamite style – and then going to jail John Coffy-style because the white man’s law is still in effect – then you might want to have a nice piece of orange to go with that two piece breast and wing platter.
On the surface this is okay. Nowadays milk and all of its byproducts come in nice little containers so it is convenient and graceful to enjoy anywhere. Plus the milk mustache isn’t all that noticeable. But we all know that most of us are lactose intolerant. And you also know that milkshake and that half-milk coffee-concoctions you got from Starbucks is going to wreck some massive destruction to your insides. So why are folks around here adding to their carbon footprints, just so they could get perverse with an ice cream cone? I’ll tell you why: because they are perverts (see number one).
Corn on the Cob
I don’t even know why Popeyes thought it was okay to have corn on a cob as a fast food menu item. Truth is, there is just no graceful way to eat corn on the cob publicly. Despite your best efforts to not look like a wild banshee, you are going to get kernels of corn everywhere: on the floor; on the shirt; on your cheek; in your underwear; on your forehead; on the baby’s forehead; behind your husband’s ear; in dog’s hair… And once you’re done collecting kernels of corn from off of everybody and everything, then starts the work of picking them out from between your teeth. Not to mention that your whole entire mouth is going to be shiny as hell from the butter. Not a good look when you are out in public.
Hard Boiled Eggs
Honestly this should be a no brainer. But you don’t know how many times I’ve been on public transportation or in an office setting and come across somebody about to crack open the shell on a freshly boiled egg, usually feeling the space with the lingering smell of a fart. Subjecting innocent bodies to the smell of your farty egg is just heartless. And those who do it, probably do it out of spite, like some villainous grudge with society. Yup, there’s a special place in Hell for the public egg-eaters…
Crab legs are the sunflower seeds of the fish world. Seriously, once you get a good rhythm going, you could be working on some crab legs for hours, compiling a nice mound of animal carcass under your feet. And that’s the problem. Just as the riders of one bus route in Athens, GA, who were prohibited from using a bus bench because of one woman’s daily habit of using the seat to eat her crab legs. Eventually she was banned from the bus bench but I bet ten virtual bucks that whole seating area still smells like Old Bay seasoning.
I never met a more annoying fruit in my life. For those who have actually had a mango (and no, mango flavored does not count), there is no way to eat them and not get it all over you. Even cutting them up is a messy process. Most times, you end up looking like these ladies from this mango eating competition.
Put anything curried in front of me, I will eat it. But I simply can not stand the way it smells, which is basically like a basement full of old musty and dusty things. I know it sounds horrible but judging by the many questions there are about how to remove the curry smell from furniture, I am not alone. Actually now that I think more about it, perhaps it is probably best to eat the curry outdoors. You know, for the sake of the new couch?