Gentlemen Uncensored: Sex And Patriarchy, Part 1

55 comments
March 24, 2013 ‐ By Madame Noire

In episode 1 of Gentlemen Uncensored, it seemed marriage may not be in the cards for all of the fellas, but one thing they are all down for is sex. The question is what are their expectations of women — and themselves — in the bedroom, and how much of what they claim they need is based on true desires or simply what they’ve been taught to want. Check out part 1 of the discussion.

GENTLEMEN UNCENSORED

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  • http://www.facebook.com/alwayzurpisces Charita Elise

    and they wonder why women leave them for other women… hmmm get your ish together fellas…

  • enoughsaid99

    Its just not natural for a man to be with one women, and they believe that a women should be faithful to them. I say equal opportunity, if he can do it, so can she. However, alot of men are not going for that. I see why he is divorced.

  • WOW!!

    Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love……this is a fact for most that either care to admit, men only take sex seriously when they are in love otherwise its just sex, relief something they could forget about when they are done for the most part….men are not that complicated…..seriously!

  • Realist

    The divorce guy may sound dumb but he is telling the truth for many women we may love our men but if he takes care of home and she knows in her heart of hearts he’s not going anywhere some women may not take it to heart or even care if he ventures out every now and then. Sex and love are separate as a truly honest woman if my man talks with a woman daily and has an emotional relationship I would be more threaten by that than a sexual one. For men an emotional relationship is harder to break-up than a sexual one that’s why I believe men cheat, it’s simply a moment of gratification for them unless they possess a mental/emotional connection with the woman.

  • Lady

    It is important not to group all traditionalists in the same boat. That seems to be what the world loves to do…..Me personally…I LOVE the traditional format of ‘men being strong’ and ‘women being maternal’ etc…I am attracted to that because I grew up in a house hold where that is and was a success and now as an adult it has been reconfirmed by my mother and my own experiences. Now before we get our patties in a bunch…i got all those other stuff..bilingual, master’s degreeSSSS, well traveled/ lived in other cultures….VERY SUCCESSFULLY SELF EMPLOYED….trust!…..Plus I sew, cook,clean…all that ish too..in fact I take more pride in my ‘domestic and maternal capabilities’ than my CV… My point….Don’t confuse traditionalism with Chauvinism..please…My husband is the MAN of our house and I have Zero problem trusting his ability to make autonomous decisions for our family, lead and be a classic man…I have never once felt disrespected, dismissed, unvaluable or unintelligent. Carlos gives ‘classic mindsets’ a bad name..a really bad name. I am confused on the point that anyone man or woman will discuss the option of a plus one marriage, your vows covers all the possible scenarios ..and me personally…will continue to enjoy a sexless marriage ( not intamacy-less) if it come to that. Damn apparently you have to remain EXACTLY the same person you were when you were dating…and that folks IS NOT POSSIBLE you just need to grow up and face things that comes you way, especially if you freely and public swore to do so.

  • shelly

    HUH what, huh, what! see men always have that double standard going!! Nah can’t do it, thats WHY…….. “So I creep yeah Just keep it on the down low Said nobody is supposed 2 know So I creep yeah Cause he doesn’t know What I do and no attention Goes to show oh so I creep” lol sorry fellas certainly do loooove some of you but …….. Change the way you think!!! Its all about the MINDSET!! I will work with you but c”mon on son! ain’t nobody got time for that! lol

  • pickylove

    yeah, thats how we have to do it, we have to plan, screen, get ourselves right, search, wait, not waste time, and manipulate our way into a natural real relationship. With all this preparation were we doing you would think we’ll never met undesirables but with learning and discovery we still have articles like these and us complaining and giving our two cents about how we were so perfect and ready and some immature person let us down because Gods knows it has nothing to do with us. From my admittedly small experience as an adult in society, some of the biggest egotistical jerks, arrogant, and condescending individuals i’ve met were married people so to me being married doesn’t have much to do with being a good all around person and much more to do with respecting your own imperfections and also dealing with others(yes I mean that dreaded word settling) and confidently and fearlessly expressing your needs and appreciation within that relationship regularly.

    • yeppers

      No matter how PERFECT you make your life and your search for love there will always be that one jerk that gets thru the gate…You LEARN to be a better judge of character. No one is saying that because we have standards that we deem ourselves perfect, it just means that we know our worth. Not all of us express that worth in some of the the mates we choose but we do all still have self worth. Just because someone is married and someone chose to walk down the isle with them doesnt mean they are not beating the hell outa their spouse every night, so if you have not LIVED or married any of these people you MET then you wouldnt really know the mindset of their person know if they are respectful and good in a relationship, or that a person should have settled for them. WE should want the best for ourselves and for others, not settling. I PROMISE no one is going to settle for you…so you should hold yourself to the same standards as anyone else would hold you to and be the best you can be. WE all have imperfections, no one is perfect, so everyone should know that even the most perfect looking/sounding man may do things we hate. BUT NO ONE DESERVES TO SETTLE FOR DISRESPECT, CHEATING/ABUSE AND THAT INCLUDES MENTAL. THATS CRAZY. TREAT ME AS I WOULD TREAT YOU. PERIOD.

  • Meyaka

    I will not be brainwashed into thinking that all men cheat and they can’t help it. My father told me a man will do right by his wife on the strength of the respect and love he has for her. Try again “gentlemen”.

    • yeppers

      Yes please put that Gentlemen in BIG quotes….I dont know WHAT THE HELL kinda gentlemen these are. Definitely not the kind my grandfather was or men in MY family… I guess they graduated from the Gucci Mane or Lil Wayne School of Gentlemen… I need to see some receipts, because if they are somebody’s Gentlemen I SMELL A FRAUD. MADAME NOIRE WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A GENTLEMAN? BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE IN THIS VIDEO ARE NETHER GENTLE NOR ARE THEY MEN. lmao

  • Deidra J

    Now that Mr. Church’s whole spot has been blown up on how he chooses not to partake in the giving end of oral sex, (because I’m sure we all know he has no problem thowing his hands behind his head and laying back to receive) I’d be curious to see how many young ladies won’t even bother…LOL

    • hollyw

      Not I, said the cat (pun intended)!!

  • Deidra J

    Ok…So I loved “Divorcee’s” Bio. I thought he would be someone who makes sense but just a few minutes of hearing him speak has turned him into such a commoner, I can’t even deal… He sounds like a 17-year old, trying to claim “p****,” reducing a woman to her genitalia and her biological functions rather than as a whole person with needs that are just as important as his own. How about this…”Figure It Out!!” TOGETHER, that is… Women’s bodies will NEVER stop going through changes that affect their libido. No woman is the same girl she was at 20, or 30, or 40 than she was just 5 years before. Learn her. Care about learning her – and if you don’t want to, evaluate your reasons for being with her in the first place because of all the choice that you brag about, you’ve probably chosen the wrong one. Expecting a woman or man to want you every time you want them just isn’t realistic. These issues need to be addressed with sensitivity, keeping in mind your commitment to one another, while exploring both personal and medical resolutions to the problem. A woman offering a man the opportunity to go outside of their marriage is more likely a desperate attempt to keep her marriage in tact while relieving herself of the responsibility of having to deal with a deeper physical or emotional issue. It’s a scapegoat. She’s letting herself off the hook and simultaneously creating another (younger, but not as pretty) monster that will very likely find itself in her bedroom at some point. A lot of men make the mistake of thinking that the apparatus between their legs is like a magic wand that heals all wounds, scars, wrongs, and worries. The truth is…there is nothing that makes a man more sexually appealing than connecting beyond the surface, beyond marital obligation, beyond lust… Rediscovering that feeling of “new love” over and over again will keep her interested in keeping her man happy. That’s the truth.

    • Gye Nyame

      Excellent response…thoughtful and accurate.

  • Nina

    I would love to hear the married one speak… you see how just sits in the corner looking around like these fools don’t even know.Black womendating white men??? White men dating
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  • NizzyMizz

    How come everytime I see these video’s and hear these men speak, the only thought that comes to mind is, ” these muthafuka’s……” SMH I really hope they do not represent most men otherwise, ladies, we’re in trouble.

    • Yeppers

      Every time I watch it… I just see the words in big red letters N|GGA PLEASE! Flash across the screen…

      • mandingolover

        Be nice!

    • mandingolover

      NizzyMizz. Keep hope!

  • http://twitter.com/sabadaga SANDRA

    Mr Divorce needs to stay quiet because he sounds like a caveman. No wonder, he is divorced, I feel really bad for the woman who had to put up with his BS.

  • 1Val

    Try as I might I’m just not feeling this series. Perhaps its the lack of substance, spirituality and love in their discussions. Somehow, I feel as if I’m listening to adolescent males instead of men.

    • yeppers

      You just hit the nail RIGHT on the head…I understand that MN is trying to give us a take on some male opinions. And thats fine, but to lead your readers and listeners to believe the the situations and actions of these quite IMMATURE men are something a woman should live her life by is NOT WHATS UP. I was never taught to sleep around, let a man have “breaks” in a marriage or any of the other demeaning tactics to date that these men mention above and WILL NEVER because i have more SELF WORTH than that. Im Not feeling this series, and I commend the commentator for trying to get some male thought processes out there. But these men are little BOYS all of them, except for the married guy who appears to be the only GROWN MAN on the panel. The others are OLD FOOLS because they do exist, just because a man looks OLD doesnt mean they are mature. I take advice from men who are INTELLIGENT, and who speak with intelligence, ones who speak on women with RESPECT and HONOR. Not men trying to figure out the best way to demean and disrespect a woman all to get what they want in the end. NO THANK YOU.

      • 1Val

        It would be insightful to know how the panelists form their opinions on women. I am waiting for meaningful conversation from these men. Why did they agree to be a panelist? What are they hoping to learn about themselves? What do they want women to better understand about men? Who, what and why does women matter to them? What roles if any do women have in their lives?

        I’m not getting a sense of who these men are from their discussions. In my opinion, they are merely posturing attempting to impress each other instead of disclosing what they they think and feel about women. The men have permission to get emotionally naked to address their issues with women as well as themselves. Hopefully, “real talk” will occur in future episodes.

        • hollyw

          I second that. Yes, there’s an advantage to men being around just men and being able to be open in their opinions of women, but there’s also a disadvantage in too much testosterone in one place lol…it’ll be great when the discussion really opens up.

  • janet

    These guys look old and unattractive. I like the other guys from a different episode

  • JJ

    Carlos is just ignorant. I’m not even going to address him any further. Ainsley made sense but I’m not sure I agree with him completely. Men are not superior to women, but we do have differences. The example he used was a bad one because men are stronger than women 90% of the time and this idea that we are physically equal is a dangerous one. I don’t mind men being the head of the household thing. Just as long as he knows what’s he’s doing and isn’t a tyrant. These men are ok, but next time could you guys interview some above average looking men I would like to see if their views on women differ.

    • yeppers

      OOOOH girl I just Fell out at yo last sentence!!! YOU WRONG! But oh so right! In the words of Tamar U TRIED IT…
      I mean I guess at the end of the day there is somebody for everybody, hell ugly people need love too.

  • JR

    All I want to say is: DJ CEO has to GO, seriously!

    I googled his name to ensure that he is as legit as he is arrogant. Indeed, he is …arrogant.

    His website stated that he is “The Best Dressed DJ Period”. I do understand that music and style have fused in such a way that style is important especially in the entertainment industry, but what that really says to me is he thinks he is again, superior to others -even with his style. I’m all for confidence but his ego exudes in his comments and logic and that is a SERIOUS turnoff. Yes, he is well-dressed, however anyone with eyes can see that, no need to make that your “slogan”. Good DJ’s are about the music, the culture not the just looks.

    Not trying to b ash him, just making an observation about how his arrogance influences the way he thinks.

  • http://twitter.com/rainyday80 Jessica Griffin

    Wow Ainsley was likeable this week. I liked how he flipped the script on Carlos and how Carlos wigged out! That was good. Still though, it’s sad to see negative views on marriage, from the non-married dudes in this group.

  • Facts or Opinion?

    What I like about this dialogue is that there are men who can speak up and challenge the others thinking. The approach to a different way of thinking is not coming from a woman therefore Carlos and other men who think like him can see it from a different perspective because its coming from another man. Its not right but it’s a good thing to see that there are men who think differently. Who will challenge someone’s train of thought by speaking up and expressing what is wrong with that thought. Now 1 of 2 things is going to happen. The man is going to consider another way of thinking and grow as a person or he’s going to say bump what they talking about and surround his self with other narrow minded men so they can always agree. I am going to be optimistic and go with the first possibility for the simple fact Carlos made a valid point to the Non Committer about why a woman wants to discuss marriage by simply explaining we see our time being spent as investment. They are one for one..Lol. This is good and interesting.

  • SP08

    No wonder this guy is divorced. He is a hot mess and lost cause until he changes his attitude.

  • Facts or Opinion?

    I agree with some of the comments said. If you don’t want sex at all there is a problem and it needs to be looked into. How ever is there a such thing as too much? In my opinion the only way there would be a problem is A) your having it so much that other responsibilities are lacking in the house and with family or B) you’re seeking it else where in addition to what your spouse is giving frequently. Giving a pass is not only unwise but down right dangerous with these std’s going around. I don’t even know why it would be considered as an option in the first place on either part. But see that’s the problem with going into marriage with unrealistic ideas and expectations. You should already have the mindset that this person will change. Everything changes at some point from their thought process, the physical appearance, health status, even their financial status could take a dip for the worse… Lol. Even the economy changes so with that being said change is inevitable. Any person who can’t adapt to change or have compassion for what the other person is going through is going to have problems in their marriage. Carlos and his caveman mentality is going to be his own lesson. There are a lot of females these days who do enjoy sex, could care less what anyone has to say about it, put it on him and never call his tale again. We are not built the same no but we like it just like you hun. You better hear what the Non Committer has to say cause he’s on to something or your gonna find yourself by yourself.

  • Theresa

    This is truly over thinking the subject….sex is like pizza even if its bad its still pretty good unless you don’t like sex/sex is a state of mind like everything else, be honest when you are drunk or really like someone the sex seems great but when the rose coloring of the relationship infancy starts to dim or the liquor wears off everything doesn’t look or feel so great. A person who doesn’t like oral should never mix with those who do if this is essential to the individual. Or determine they can live without its not that big of a deal for some. Communication, respect, and commitment are the essential components of marriage in my opinion because everything is subjective to interpretation and often fall by the wayside in a long term relationship without a deeper connection with those components in place…….Keep it real people!

  • krystalburger

    As far as sexual incompatibility is concerned, I feel it is about what turns one partner on and what turns the other on and what I mean by that is if, for example, a man or woman is dominant or submissive during sexual activity and wants act that out in the bedroom and the partner is not that into that eventually it will show and there will be issues that arise from that.

  • Kahekili

    The comments tell me all I need to know which reaffirms why I said that this whole thing wasn’t necessary.

  • Mrs.A

    I love how the brother broke down what society constitutes as correct behavior for man & woman. He was deep and on point. Communication is necessary with relationships.

  • hollyw

    Sooo first I’ll say what a much better balanced discussion had compared to the other episodes :) I liked how sexism was acknowledged in a group of men, where no one’s forcing you to admit it lol… Guess I’ll wait for Part 2 for the other married guy to state the obvious; that stepping out of the marriage (male or female), even with “a pass”, is just plain DUMB…

    My question in these scenarios (sexual incompatibility) is usually, not What can be done to remedy the incompatibility, but first Why are you guys incompatible and How did you guys get that way to begin with, b/c to be honest, I am baffled when married couples state this as a problem.

    I feel like it’s either one of two things; ya’ll used to be compatible, and something changed, or ya’ll never were compatible, but you guys already know this and just waited too late to address it. I say this b/c, most married folks were having sex years b/f the marriage, so you both should’ve had a decent idea about how you’d get along, long-term. So more likely than not, you guys were on the same page sexually, than life got in the way, i.e. kids, children, stress. Plus, like someone else said, we’re both sexual beings, so not wanting sex (or wanting it 3x/day, everyday) is not a natural state. It’s likely that something is wrong and can possibly be fixed…

    For a married couple to collectively decide that giving passes is a suitable option over first seeking counseling or even a one-on-one discussion is just lazy on both their parts. She’s saying she’d rather not deal w/ him and his needs, so allow someone else to step in and take her place, and he’s saying that instead of taking the effort to see what’s the real issue w/ her/him/them, he’d rather take the easier route. If ya’ll have that attitude towards anything in the marriage, I’d say both of ya’ll are on your way out, anyway…

    • guest

      Good points.

      I have always been curious as to how people who wait to have sex until marriage deal with incompatibility.

      • Blueberry01

        I am curious as well, but I think they would have established a relationship where they are able to comfortably share their sexual desires with each other. So any incompatibilities that may arise would result in a compromise — or maybe one person acquiring a “new habit” that they now enjoy in the bedroom! Lol!

      • Yeppers

        Most people deciding to wait are dealing with love and sex on a much deeper level. I abstain out of a spiritual place. Therefore if I am with someone who has the same spiritual meaning and intimacy for sex then you should be on a deep and intimate level with your lover anyway. Again this goes back to compatibility. If you are somone who values the spiritually of love and sex. And the person you are with just wants to do it and get it done.. No intimacy or spirituality in the act. THEN NO YOU WON’T BE COMPATIBLE. The key is to find who is compatible in that same way BEFORE U DO THE DEED!

  • BIG BAKED APPLE

    Carlos isn’t invested in finding and then acquiring a positive relationship. He wants to “possess” a woman in a nonreciprocating situation where HE defines her needs so that he can meet them on his own terms. Could you image how stressful and unfulfilled your life would be as his significant other?

    • hollyw

      I honestly think this every time he speaks, but just b/c it’s so easy to throw shade on someone talking wack ish on marriage who’s actually divorced, I fight to keep my opinions on him to myself lol smh…

    • Deidra J

      Wow. Very well put. He doesn’t seem to value compromise unless she’s the one making them.

  • yeppers

    So thru all the yelling where i could basically not hear a word being said…..divorced Dude is saying that an unhappy woman need to just sit her A$$ there and deal with it…but a man can go get happy somewhere else… O OK. I see why he is divorced, he obviously gives 0 Fs about the other person in the marriage being happy. Good luck with that brotha….Once again another testament to what I DONT WANT. Im glad my heart and mind is grounded in my spiritual walk with God and only a man on that same path who knows marriage in that same aspect is for me. Ignorance breeds ignorance, until everyone feels like mess like this is OK. WOW at how some people think and reduce themselves to live…I dont understand how some do it. But I guess it works and some can obviously live with it. Be blessed folks.

    • sabrina

      omg YAAAAASSSSSS! i got SO disgusted hearing Mr. Divorce speak (regardless of the patois he put on, and i usually give +10 points to anyone who can slip into that jamaican patois!). thank GOD all men DO NOT think that way, or i would just stay single and lonely forever.

  • Blueberry01

    I also enjoyed this conversation but Carlos’s reaction reminded me how important it is to know what type of mindset your man has (e.x. traditional, modern) before you get married. Unfortunately I know too many people who got married because they wanted the ring, but never took time to figure out if they were compatible with their spouse until they started arguing.

    • hollyw

      LOL right, this is Kordel and Porscha of Real Housewives of Atlanta aaall day! :P

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

      way before marriage, try the first date, or the first few. Usually men like this will throw out hints about how he truly feels.

  • Blueberry01

    Hmmm…I truly think that when someone’s (either woman or man’s) sex drive doesn’t match their partner, there is a reason. Most people enjoy sex AND want to please their partner, which is why (I hope) they decided to get married. It could be ANYTHING from stress at work, some physical reason (ex. erectile dysfunction, vaginal pain, etc.) to insecurities (ex. weight gain) and redundancy in the actual sexual act. I think that is why it is important to be able to COMMUNICATE effectively with your spouse so you know how to address these issues when they arise.

    • hollyw

      So true. Partners should be communicating BEFORE the marriage, and lack of sex drive, or expecting it all day every day, can be a fixable problem.

  • WHOISBSQUARED?

    THIS CONVO WAS ON POINT……..

  • emjay

    sooooooo what we’re saying here, mr. divorce, is that men should be able to run around and sleep with women outside of the relationship because they can’t help themselves, but women don’t have that option because the p***** is yours. boy bye. I would love to hear the married one speak… you see how just sits in the corner looking around like these fools don’t even know.

    • hollyw

      I know, it looked like on the preview to Part 2 that he was about to spit some common sense that’s gone shut it all down lol.

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