“If you don’t marry me, I’m leaving!”

“I’m either going to be your wife to be, or your soon to be ex.”

“If we’re not engaged by the end of the year, I’m moving on with my life.”

“I’m pregnant!”

How many of us have heard one of our close girlfriends or family members say one of the lines above?  Or better yet, how many of us have repeated one of the lines above? Ultimatums are often defined as an uncompromising set of terms or demands given by someone, which can lead to the beginning of a new segment in a relationship, or the severing of one. Ultimatums are generally given by women to men, who have been in a monogamous dating relationship for quite a while, women who are cohabitating without the commitment of marriage, or women who are or have been involved in long-term engagements, and the general purpose of them in regard to relationships are to achieve the goal of marriage. However, my question to women who have given ultimatums and to women who may be contemplating the thought of issuing an ultimatum is, why?

Why would you give a man who says he loves you and wants to be with you an ultimatum? Or better yet, why would you not give yourself an ultimatum instead of your mate? One part of the definition of the word ultimatum people often overlook or ignore is the part where it says that an ultimatum is an uncompromising set of terms or demands. This part of the definition is vital because it lets people know that they should set standards and not compromise them. The mistake that is often made though is that both women and men do not set and establish individual and relationship standards at the beginning of a new relationship. And if they do, they do not maintain them and often become complacent. If people would learn to take the time to establish standards and keep them then maybe there would not be a need to issue ultimatums.

Ladies, issuing an ultimatum may bring you closer to achieving the goals you have set for your ideal relationship, but the goals you have set may not be the goals your mate has, or have in mind. And if you are planning to have a productive relationship then you must be on one accord with your mate. Also, if you do give your mate an ultimatum and you get the results/commitment you desire, is that commitment sincere? The ultimate goal of an ultimatum is to start something new in a relationship, and while it may begin something new, it may also bring forth the forcing of something that should not be. So ladies, if you are contemplating giving your man an ultimatum, ask yourself these questions before you do; 1. Why am I giving him an ultimatum? 2. Will giving him an ultimatum make him commit to me any faster? 3. Will the commitment be from his heart?  4. Am I prepared for results that are the opposite of what I wanted? 5. How much longer do I plan on staying in a relationship that lacks a sincere commitment? 6. Are we equally yoked, and have the same mindset when it comes to commitment?

Answer these questions open and honestly before you decide to give an ultimatum because you don’t want to make a mistake, and the mistake could be you pushing your man away, or you staying and missing the blessing that is your true soul mate…not to mention, blocking his too. I know some of you may be saying that ultimatums work, and that men need a little push from time to time, and this may very well be true. But it is my belief that if a man wants to be with you, and if he is indeed the man for you he will say and show so without any push from you, but a push from his heart. Ladies, it is said that you should not be anxious for anything, and if you believe this then there is no need to think about giving an ultimatum. However, if you do decide to give an ultimatum, give it to yourself. Ask yourself how much longer you will stand for something, set that standard, and do what you need to when you feel the time is right. But don’t pressure anyone else to give you what you want.

Do you think giving an ultimatum is a mistake?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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