How I Learned To Stop Giving Boyfriends Husband Privileges

168 comments
May 19, 2012 ‐ By Liz Lampkin
Snuggle Up

Source :naijapals.com

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. I was standing in my kitchen preparing an elaborate six course soul food meal for a young man I was dating at the time. I remember preparing each dish slowly, paying attention to all ingredients carefully, sampling each dish to make sure they were just right and smiling anxiously every step of the way. As I prepared this elaborate meal, I was nervous and anxious about what my then companion would say. I anticipated a positive reaction that would trigger an even more positive reaction that would eventually lead to us living happily ever after.

However, the outcome was different.

My companion enjoyed the meal, but shortly after, we parted ways and have never spoken a word to each other since. As I recall that relationship, and some of the things that transpired, I realized I gave this young man (and many others I was involved with) privileges that should have been for my husband, which led me to ask myself why did I do that? What was my motivation for cooking, buying elaborate gifts, giving massages, etc. to men who were only my boyfriends? I found the answers to my questions when I went on a hiatus from the dating scene. I realized I gave my boyfriends husband privileges because I was trying to prove to them that I was marriage material. I did this because I didn’t see the value of being a single woman, and I didn’t know what it really meant to be a wife.

I didn’t see the value in being a single woman because my focus was on the “American Dream”- having the white picketed fence, 2.5 kids, a dog and a beautiful home. Not only was I focused on the American Dream, but I was focused on all of my friends who were engaged, married or in promising relationships. I wanted the same things they had with their relationships, so I figured if I gave and gave to my boyfriends, they would see my wifely potential, they would propose and my dream would be reality. Boy was I wrong!

When I realized that the more I gave to my boyfriends, that the less of me I had for myself. It was then that I decided to shift my personal focus. When I shifted the focus to reflecting on who I was, learning who I was, and finding my purpose in being single, I realized that I did not have to give my boyfriends husband privileges, but give them who I was internally as a woman and that’s better than any home cooked meal or elaborate gift.

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  • KenNisha Renée

    Realest post ever!!! Story of my life. Thank you for this!

  • Jason

    If your gf is giving you husband privileges. Better be giving wife privileges back lol

  • Jean ( FV Wildcat Fever)

    See I keep telling females, girls and grown women, to stop giving these males everything and anything. Men and boys will take everything you give them, all while they are looking at another woman or girl. Their minds are constantly on sex and everything with a skirt that bats an eyelash, looks good to them. A man will say baby and um, um to you, all while he is thinking about another woman down the street. And you thought just because you fried him some eggs and chicken, shaved under your arms, gave him oral, and bought him a sweater, that he was
    all yours and forever faithtful. Listen girls, men do not think like us. Men do not love us the way we love them. They really are all about recreation, beer, and sex. Every woman looks good to them. Stop spoiling your man, he WILL rn on you oneday or start acting cold. It’s because he is tired of you stuff and realizes that he is stuck with you and wishes he was still single.
    Somebody out there, some wise female, should tell the truth so that we females can rise up and be strong and stop giving our all to these men. It’s not worth the stress. Stay single and stop giving him sex commits to you!!

  • Jean

    Women need to refrain from hopping into bed so soon, with these no good men who only want sex. It’s the truth and you all can say I am being mean all you want. I just wished females would stop giving sex to their boyfriends so quickly. You don’t owe a man sex unlesss you are married to him.

  • KJ

    I wanted to comment on the comments but this is a never ending argument.

  • jandrea310

    Something lead me to this page and it was just what I needed I have been struggling with the thought of that old saying I am once divorced already and I think I have been holding on to this relaitionship because I am afraid of being alone but I think its time I have to have that talk its been 7 years already and we are not married

  • http://twitter.com/marsay73 ptowngal

    I had to get into the baby momma debate. First let me say I dont think any single mother would of have a baby with any man if she knew he would walk away from his responsibility. Circumstances change and you never know how a person will react until you are in that situation. I understand that the single mom has some blame but she can not take all the blame cause she cant become a mother with out the father, who 9 out of 10 times chooses to not be a part of their childrens lives. That should have us more outraged than a single mother who is doing the best she can to raise her children. If we take the time to empower single mothers instead of bringing them down and placing blame then maybe they will learn how to be better mothers and make better choices. People always want to place blame and talk about whats wrong,which is not going to change the situation. Sometimes people need a little help. It would be nice if people would call one of their “baby momma” friends aksing her what you can do to help..can you take the kids to get ice cream? can you cook them a meal? can you keep the kids so she can relax? Offer some support because putting blame is not helping anybody!! When people stop complaining/blaming and start offering solutions thats when change will happen.

  • Morgan

    I’ve never been married but this article makes alot of sense because sometimes we as women want to give our boyfriends the world and end up getting hurt in the process sometimes we give a little sometimes we give too much and that can run any man away thank you for this article because it shed light to some things that I had done in a relationship

  • TB

    Sometimes husbands dont even deserve these privileges

  • Nterry34

    My girlfriend pointed me to this article. This is life changing for me. Thanks so much for posting!!!

  • Camisha

    wow!  I see that this one is getting nice and hot!  In regards to MrsB’s opinion, I myself find the terms “baby mama” and “baby daddy” completely derogatory.  To me, it seems as though we are just setting ourselves lightyears behind!  How come when white people get artificially insemenated, adopt, or even parent in same-sex households, they are not called such things?  We need to stop the nonsense.  But then again, I kind of understand why people give each other these horrible titles.  smh.

  • Kvandyke1970

    The article was very enlightening and valuable to single women or women in unpromising relationship.

  • Jtenninec

    Say it again…….real talk….. This read would help clear confusion…. Wow

    Cook…

  • Miss Daja -Noboizallowed

    Wow! I couldn’t have said this any better myself. I too have fallen victim of giving my boyfriend(s) at the time, husband privileges. Feeling like I have to be “down”, “ride or die”, “all or nothing” type of girlfriend and then clueless as to why they get bored, look elsewhere, the relationship remains the same for years, etc. I definitely needed to read this post as a single woman. I still have a lot to learn and such before I become somebodies wife but I will definitely consider the things I do, have done and will do from this point forward while dating.

  • Yeptismedonn

    Guilty as charged. Gotta find balance!

  • Jdb2003

    Wow I had it all wrong …. this is so true!

  • Yolly

    I totally understand not all men are worthy of special treatment. But if you’re in a loving relationship with a man, why does cooking a nice meal or helping him clean mean something more than just cooking a nice meal and helping him clean? I’m not advocating being his personal maid, but if we start setting limits on what we should or shouldn’t do, simply because there’s no ring aren’t we just playing a different version of the same old game? I don’t do nice things for someone in order to get something in return, I do them because I want to and I’m smart enough to know who does and doesn’t deserve my random acts of kindness. I’m not married, but I don’t plan on treating my husband an better after we jump the broom than I did when he was just my boyfriend. If you’re my man you get the best of me because I expect and deserve the best from you. What you have to look forward to is a life of 100% commitment with someone who’s always giving you their all. In my humble opinion the issue isn’t what we do for men, it’s the motivation behind our actions.

    • Miss Anonymous

      I agree but I take a different perspective on it. A man isnt gonna say no to you giving your all. If you want to do nice things for him do it, no one is saying not to. But you shouldnt give him the benefits of a husband (babies, paying car notes, etc . . .) and then get upset if after years he leaves and marries the next woman. Obviously as we can see from some men having alot of kids, not having to really do anything and using the only a few good men are left excuse that many are getting husband privileges when they shouldnt. Some women are buying men cars, letting him tell her she cant spend time with her family and letting him lay up somewhere he isnt paying rent/utilities/groceries at. 

      Now a nice amount of women want to get married and all that jazz and she lets the man know. She will give him her best to show that she if wife material going the whole nine for him especially if she loves him. She is gonna hope he sees that she wants to be with him, what happens after doing that he doesnt want to marry her? I had a uncle say that a man will use you if you let him, dont give him everything because then it will eventually get old. Why would he buy the cow if he is getting the milk for free?

      *not the ones who are worth it*  

      • GM_I

        The type of men u spoke about in this comment are the male versions of the type of females i speak about…does stating factual things that happen make u a Misandrist (g00gle it if u dont know the word), of course not…no females are callin u a man-hater or having a problem with men or saying u sound like ur angry at men becuz u speak about the ones who are losers…they do it to me becuz im a guy and once any one of us speak any type of negativity or what seems like it towards any female regardless if she is guilty fof what i speak, what i say isn’t true and is just the words of a chauvanist/bitter man smh at the double standards that u women love to condone as long as they’re in ur favor.

      • GM_I

        Also, I want u to listen to something when u find the time to do it & have atleast an hour to spare…reading my comments about women, the fact that im a guy, most of what i say wont really sink in to u females & ur gonna take everything I say as a negative towards all women when of course im speaking only about the majority (which is 51% or greater where the female population is over 150 million)…so, i want u and any female that has responded to any of my comments about this article to listen to the type of women i am speaking about and their mentality most men in America/the world have to suffer with lol:

        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2012/03/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: Are You InDUMBpendent)

        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2011/12/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: Paying For Sex)

        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2011/09/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: How Much Should A  Man Hold Down His Woman)

        So, when u get the chance, have some free time, check out those links and listen to the what the mind state of the women who call in to give their opinions about the subject matter…you’ll understand which females are the ones I make comments about all the time…let me know what u think as well after u do listen and me actually askin about what a woman thinks si kind of a big deal for me cuz i generally dont care lol, but this is a rare exception, u better feel honored lol j/k ;-)

  • Camisha

    whew! If this doesn’t step on toes, nothing will !  :-)  Honestly, I think that because we as black women are taught from the beginning to be nurtures, to not only take care of our children but also our men, this is why many of us have a difficulty in defining the roles.  Some of us have started to “date” but dating is still not our “thing”.  Far too often, and two weeks later, we go from date to “my man” or “my lady”.  But what did each person do to receive such a title?  In comparing to other cultures, not much.  This article is very insightful.  Thanks for posting!!!!

  • justme

    I believe this articles and the responses below have opened up my eyes a bit…now that I think about it I have someone in my life that is one my level and wants the same things that I want but Ive never really given him a chance. Thankfully though he has neva really got the husband privileges. But I think its time to rework my priorities a bit. Thanks

  • Deda

    I’m a break up artist so I wouldn’t know this, if it ain’t right im out.. i don’t try to make something thats broken fixed.. Anyway i mostly date white men and if they are attracted to you and find out you are a good women you will looking at wedding rings at 4 months from what i experienced coming out a relationship i ran out of right after he told me his plans of taking a vacation with me… I remember a few years ago at 20 i met an italian guy who straight told me he wanted marriage and kids very soon and he showered me with gifts horse and carriage rides but i was dating just for fun at that time plus i was dating other guys, i stopped answering his calls cuz he was getting crazy obsessed.. Cooking, cleaning, and being nice with white guys u get a husband but black men u get nothing i guess from what i see with sistas…

    • FromDaA

       Please stop generalizing, that’s not all black men. The reason a lot of black men won’t commit to marriage is due to a lack of income, not because we don’t won’t to marry you.

      • Guest

        Now that is an honest answer.  I can respect that.

      • cyn

        The other reason a lot of black men dont commit is because many of them didn’t have fathers in the home growing up either, so they didn’t have an example of a husband to learn from.

      • anyon

        and thats a piss po excuse!

  • ANGELA M COLEY

    GREAT ARTICLE! GREAT REPLIES TO IT AS WELL.

  • DOM

    i am a male who was raised by a single woman. what i learned is that relationships are about give and receive.  you cant let a few bad apples make you bitter.  i also tried to keep in mind how i would want my own mother to be treated in a relationship.  at the end of the day, you have to move forward and not let a few bad experiences keep you from finding that someone special.  a lot of times we know when a person is not right for us but we keep trying (forcing) it to work.  if it’s broken, move on.  save your time, effort (and bill money) for somebody that shows mutual love and respect.

    Ps if you’re bitter, you arent gonna attract good ppl anyway. get your mind right first.

    • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.wordpress.com Zan

       This is the best “male” response to this and any other article I’ve seen on this site. Thank you.

  • Seriously

    Good article! I have found myself trying to prove myself to these guys without them even being husband material! Never again!

  • Dastrong

     Women will blame everything for them not being married except for their flaws. This is a half way step to realizing why you are not getting what you want. More garbage filled with garbage ideas to go into women who cannot be honest about their short comings. The reason you are not married is not because you treat a man too well……can anyone one see how stupid a statement that is. It is you and your choices. Learn how to be accountable for YOU and YOUR short comings and you might get the man you want.

    Zab Rah

    • not a fan

      and while you handing out that advice to us women then you should turn to the men and say the same damn thing. Most of yall never want to show any accountability for your actions. You walk around thinking with the little head and blaming everything on the fact that you’re a man and women allow it and blah blah blah. Men don’t want to admit that they were dead wrong and bitter. At least the author and the women who commented have the decency to evaluate themselves and try to impart that wisdom. Rarely do I find a male blog where there are actual articles and discussions on your past failures such as sleeping around, cheating because you can, being sexist, degrading women etc. etc.  This whole page was us showing accountability for our mistakes in investing in trash when we should have known better. so please with your little advice. *rme*

      • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.wordpress.com Zan

         “Rarely do I find a male blog where there are actual articles and
        discussions on your past failures such as sleeping around, cheating
        because you can, being sexist, degrading women etc. etc.”

        Because most men have been taught that these behaviors are okay for them, but like you said, they cannot even grow up past what they have been taught in order to realize that they too make mistakes, not just women.

      • guest

        Thank YOU!!

    • Nanaette

      I agree with you and this article.  Too many women dont recognize their flaws.  Too many women blame men for not being married.  If you read many of the comments women stated that they were giving wife treatment  (which may have included producing a baby)only to get nothing in return.  Im going to be honest and state the truth, many women arent married because they are baby mamas.  And too many had children by a loser.  This will turn many men away.  It didnt keep the daddy it wont keep another man.  But I do agree with the article.  Dating is just that, DATING.  Marriage is a different realm.  I never gave my exes the wife treatment (Ididnt know how…grew up in a single mother household so I didnt see firsthand the wife treatment).  Im now married, still learning how to be a proper wife, so far so good. 

      • Miss Anonymous

        Well there are some like me who didnt have a child with a man and gave him the husband treatment and he cheated or whatever. The guy I gave treatment to cheated with his ex and wanted to come back but I said no so he said thats why he didnt marry me. So was I to take him back and let him cheat as long as I didnt catch anything? Was my flaw not letting him cheat or hit me again? Was my flaw listening to my father to go to college just incase a marriage doesnt work out and Im left to take care of the kids like he has seen so many young girls do because the man decided he didnt want her anymore?

        • Judgejudy

          She said ”Too many women dont recognize their flaws” not all women.  Reading comprehension is fundamental especially when you’re attempting to attack.

          • Miss Anonymous

            Yes I know reading is fundamental. I wasn’t attacking her I just asked her a question. She mentioned how women don’t recognized their flaws and noticed in the comments how they gave the boyfriend husband benefits. She also mentioned that many of said women had a child by the men and how men don’t want to marry baby mamas. I just wanted to know about the other side of the coins about the flaws of the ones who didn’t pop out a baby for their man.

    • GUEST

      This works both ways.  There are PEOPLE who are just not marriage material.  Both males and females have to do some deep soul-searching and digging, to see just what category they may fall into.  Many of us haven’t a clue how to simply date a person and thorougly learn them before giving them any type of title. 

    • Miss Anonymous

      Just as stupid as my uncle who didnt marry the woman that treated him well, got him a car and dont ask for his money. He married the one who would call his mother cursing, had a bunch of kids that arent his, take all his paycheck, wont let him live with her and still sleeps around with different men (even his cousins). (Yeah I side eyed the not living together part too, he has to stay with his mom cause her boyfriend doesnt want him there.)

      • guest

        That is usually how it goes.  They end up with trash when they didn’t know how good they had it in the first place.

      • guest

        Yup, that was his karma. He got what was coming to him.

  • Chynahdohl01

    Only once a bridesmaid but always a wife! No career girlfriend, baby mama or live in woman.

  • GM_I

    lol at all y’all women saying “great article” when its telling women dont do anything for a man/your boyfriends…would y’all still be saying how great an article it is if it was sayin for men/boyfriends not to give women/girlfriends wife privileges, such as: paying her bills, spending money on her, taking her on dates & paying for them, buyin her eloborate gifts, giving massages, listening to her problems, cooking for her, boosting her self-esteem, being nice & kind to her relatives that u dont like, taking her on vacation trips, supporting her hopes, dreams & ambitions if she has any etc (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL)…not surprising tho, since this site is extremely biased as well as most its readers/bloggers…flip around the genders and i guarantee majority of women wouldn’t be giving the shyyyt props like they are now…cuz if u women on here really want to subscribe to this mentality, most of you women should be all for not getting anything out of or from a man period (nor expect or accept any of it), until he becomes ur husband, since women LOOOOVE talkin that equality BS all the time and how their so equal & want to be treated as such by men, right???…but we all know most of u chicks on here, are all talk and would rarely if ever apply what this article is saying about men towards urselves…that ol “well, if he wants to give me this or that than why not take it” mentality will kick in and give u ur lil convenient justification for doin it…what makes u think men aren’t using that same “well, if she is gonna make a meal and let me eat it or smash as much as I want, without having me marry her, than why not” mentality right back at y’all…women are notorious for complaining about falling prey to the very same tactics ur kind constantly use against and on men but if u cant take it than u better stop dishing it out before u reach ur expiration dates & no man with something going for himself wants u anymore.

    • Mls2698

      I agree.

    • Guest

      No a man shouldn’t pay the bills of a woman he isn’t married to and he should only buy gifts if he wants to not in order to impress or keep a woman. There’s a lot of men bitter and angry with all women because they acted like some womans husband and got played. This advice works both ways. If you meet someone who expects all this from you in order to prove your worth nothing you do will ever be good enough. My granny gave this exact advice to the boys and girls in my family.

      • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

         “… because they acted like some womans husband and got played.” Lol.

        And yes, this is very true.

      • GM_I

        I agree with u but honestly, do u believe majority of women (especially ones in their 20’s) have that mentality that u speak of or is it the man should pay for this, that & the other, pay my bills, spend money on me, take me to restaurants where the bill will come to $200+ dollars etc or im not giving him the time of day type of mentality…lets not act like the things i stated, majority of women aren’t expecting or feel they’re entitled to it becuz their a female…im all for not spending money on women but how many women are for dealing with men who dont spend nothin on them or do anything for them at all like this article is saying women should do to men…are u seeing the common demominator with the women claiming they know better now, they’re mostly in their 30’s with babies by losers smh.

        • Sweettea

          All those things you say 20 year old women expect from you are not things you’re obligated to give. I got married at
          21 but before that I was an opportunist. I let men pay my bills and spend crazy money on me and I KNEW I had no intention on marrying them. But why would I turn down free money. Try to remember you can’t buy love. If she don’t want you without your money then she don’t want you. I fell in love with my poor immigrant construction worker husband not the guys buying me everything

          • GM_I

            I already know nobody is obligated to give anything, thats not the point to the comments I made…ur INTENTIONALLY ignoring when I stated that most women are opportunist (IN THEIR 20’S allegedly) like u were urself & will not give men (good ones mostly) the time of day becuz they dont spend any money on them…most women gauge their value on how much money they can get out of a man…also, most women end up marrying broke losers becuz the rich ones generally know they dont have to get married  or dont want to becuz they have too much to lose…most married men are losers, compared to the amount of married men who are rich/winners…most women fall in love with losers, bad boys, broke men etc, so u saying how u did only proves that fact…and men with money aren’t tryin to buy ur love, they’re tryin to buy ur vagina, stop being stupid & naive if u dont want me to continue to refer to u as such.

        • GUEST

          I have to agree with NANAETTE’s comment.  You seem very angry with women all together.  That is not a good way to attract any person of substance.  My suggestion is that you talk with a professional about your personal issues concerning women before getting involved in any relationship. This could help  prevent you from bringing all that emotional baggage (or waste) with you.

          • GM_I

            Anything any man says about CERTAIN/THE WORST TYPES of women, you females always apply it as if im speaking about 100% of the female population or as if no women are guilty of the things i speak, when time & time again ive stated the things im talkin about women are about the gold-diggers, con-artist manipulators and women out to use men (especially the good ones since their the most naive and easily …the main ingredient to being a gold-digger is being attractive, something I wish majority if not 100% of women were, but sadly, they’re not…if ur fat, obese, fugly, have multiple kids, are a nagging byyyytch, than im not talking about you…im talking about the women with a sense of entitlement, that they deserve anything they want becuz their attractive, the ones who never worked a day in their life pushin a mercedes benz & has all her bills paid, the ones who marry rich men for 10yrs than divorce them and get lifetime alimony aka vaginamony becuz the law allows only ppl with a vagina to become accustomed to a certain lifestyle she had little or no involvement in creating, the ones who get pregnant on purpose by men with money to live off the child support themselves etc..not all women are doing that, i know that, y’all know that, but the problem with majority of females (especially on this blog), is that once any man says anything negative about any type of female, u automatically assume im speaking towards ALL females in the world or think becuz u dont fit the bill of the females im speaking about, that none of them must exist…if men said, “well, i’ve never cheated on my girl, wife or ever in my life, so all or most men cant be doing it either since im not, women who say otherwise are lying man-haters”…that is the equivalent of the mentality most u women in general have.

        • Miss Anonymous

          *raises hand* I have been with a man because I “loved” and he didnt really spend money on me, I spent the money. The sad thing is he had the job (army) and I didnt (student with no job). He could buy video games, $200 shirts and mess but didnt have money for a $21 meal at Denny’s. Never again.

          I didnt know I was suppose to be getting my bills paid and taken to fancy $200 restuarants. I must have missed that class because I like Chilis’s, TGI Fridays and the like, not to mention Im a appetizer eating girl. So umm where do I find these men who pay bills and live the high life?

          • GM_I

            If ur not fat or fugly, weigh less than 135lbs (especially if ur under 6ft), are a 9 or 10 in the face, than they’ll find you…or just go to where the money/rich live at in this country: Miami, New York or Los Angeles…the hottest & most attractive women migrate to those places becuz thats where the money is and being that water seeks its own level & men get the hottest women their money can attract & women get the richest guy their looks can attract: rich guys get/attract hot, attractive, in-shape & slim beautiful women, who rate 9 or 10 and those type of women attract rich successful guys who spend $200 or more on dates & live the high life, simple as that…if u haven’t found them or they haven’t found u, the reason is plainly obvious lol ;-)

            If u dont meet the criteria I stated above; broke losers, mamas boys, the unambitious, uneducated, convicted felons, multiple kid having baby daddies & the unemployed is what ur dating pool will consist of, that goes for career women as well since career women have very lil time to be in relationships or tend to the needs of a successful/rich man like a dumb bimbo who looks hot can & does, usually that career woman will have to settle with the loser who she pays the bills for or takes on whats considered the man role in that relationship (and alpha females are too combatitive, dont shut up, end up as more of a rival than a partner & a ship needs only ONE captain, not 2)…Plus, if ur a blk woman who is mainly only into blk men, ur chances of finding such a guy greatly decreases even more since most blk men are broke, unemployed and only have the ambition to be the next Big Meech or Lil Wayne/2 Chainz and the blk men who are successful/rich or wealthy date outside their race & have a larger pool of women to date that extends into foreign countries, a lot of competition for a woman who lives in or is from the most obese country in the world, apart of the group with some of the most serious weight issues amongst the races within the country, where feminism reigns supreme with its man-bashing & male feminization agenda, good luck tho.

            • Miss Anonymous

              *thinks about how all the big women I know are either married or engaged and how the regular and slim ones had to give a man husband benefits to just get a date* Well thanks for the info but could you tell me where the *whispering* nerdy black guys are located at? 

              And come on, you cant use the whole obesity thing against black women because truth be told I saw alot of big/bbws and they wasnt black. They where white (russian, german, etc) and asian (filipino, japanese, etc) married to black and white men on the army base. I even had a guy tell me to gain 50 lbs and I would be so fine.

              • GM_I

                I never said fat women wouldn’t or cant get married, how about u tell me the type of income/profession the men their married have…I guarantee majority if not all either are unemployed or make poverty level income, with the fat wife holdin everything down, paying most or all the bills being mom #2 to her husband…there are plenty of nerdy blk guys, most of them are just in libraries, colleges, places or events that expose ppl to vast amounts of knowledge worth millions or somewhere indoors inventing the next facebook or Apple company about to be the worlds next billionaire…they have nothin but time on their hands since most of them aren’t gettin any dates or play from women cuz they have no swag or aren’t the bad boy that turns on majority of women in their 20’s…if u want to find them, go to all the places that seem boring and uneventful and go after all the men that women stick their nose up at & call cor looks corny.

            • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.wordpress.com Zan

               So according to what you put here and in your comment above, NO woman is good enough for any man because no one woman will meet all the standards you expect her to meet…for either the “high roller” type man or the men “below” him…it sounds like you have an issue with women in general, and Black women in particular.

              • GM_I

                No, your the only one in this convo that has a race issue…i haven’t attacked blk women over white women, when i speak about women, im referring to American/westernized women of all races in general…u only think that way becuz u urself are most likely a hyper-sensitive blk female who interprets things never said at all & take it offensively when its not…in the post ur most likely referring to, I stated that blk women who have a high percentage of being obeses/fat, in a country that is the most obese in the world compared to others, and the fact thta most blk women dont date outside their race, finding a blk man with money, ambition, success, good father/husband material that wants a fat/obese wife etc is gonna be like finding the worlds smallest needle in a haystack the size of Mt. Fiji…so, a blk womans chances are more slim compared to other races of women becuz most blk men are broke/losers, with prison records and multiple baby mamas or kids, tryin to be gangsters, drug dealers, ball players & rappers and mostly failing at all of them (these are FACTS, not ATTACKS on the blk woman smh)…the few blk men with somethin goin for themselves already know the numbers are in our favor and will most likely exploit them to our advantage like majority of the human race does.

            • cynthia

              Hmmm, maybe you should stop watching all that “reality” TV (Basketball Wives, Real Housewives, etc.) and get outside…into the REAL world.

              • GM_I

                I dont watch reality shows at all…those shows are geared towards women like majority of Television is today…TV is one big vagina and its majority viewership are those with vaginas, if its any gender that needs to snap back into reality, its females…majority of real/straight men hate nagging and complaining, those shows mentioned are an hour after an hour of nagging, complaining & drama majority of the straight male population even cares about…its not like there are b00bs and a** fallin out during these fights featuring a bunch of 40yr old chicks goin thru menopause.

      • GM_I

        Also, I want u to listen to something when u find the time to do it & have atleast an hour to spare…reading my comments about women, the fact that im a guy, most of what i say wont really sink in to u females & ur gonna take everything I say as a negative towards all women when of course im speaking only about the majority (which is 51% or greater where the female population is over 150 million)…so, i want u and any female that has responded to any of my comments about this article to listen to the type of women i am speaking about and their mentality most men in America/the world have to suffer with lol:
         
        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2012/03/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: Are You InDUMBpendent)
         
        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2011/12/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: Paying For Sex)
         
        http://www.blogtalkradio (dot) com/passportcutty/2011/09/21/the-naked-truth (Topic: How Much Should A  Man Hold Down His Woman)
         
        So, when u get the chance, have some free time, check out those links and listen to the what the mind state of the women who call in to give their opinions about the subject matter…you’ll understand which females are the ones I make comments about all the time…let me know what u think as well after u do listen and me actually askin about what a woman thinks si kind of a big deal for me cuz i generally dont care lol, but this is a rare exception, u better feel honored lol j/k ;-)

        P.S: im gonna post this comment to every female who responded to my comment cuz i want them to hear what i hear comin out the mouths of women and the mentality of the type of women i speak of, so you might see it a few times once u come back and see this reply.

    • Sweettea

      Nobody should expect anybody to turn down something you offer. Dont offer it if you’re only offering in hope of impressing or winning them over because you will never be able to give enough.

      • GM_I

        I know you can never give a woman enough (most are ungrateful & unapprecitive becuz they feel their suppose to be given those things cuz they have a vagina), thats the whole point behind not giving them shyyt…the fact of the matter is not even a lot of men are offering this stuff…women are asking or demanding it…its mostly the men raised by single moms to be a pucci who do whatever women ask to get their attention or supposedly what they want out of them is to give in to those demands, buy them gifts & drinks, pay for dates, open doors or do whatever they ask etc (its the bad boys/a-holes who aren’t doing these things which what sets us apart from all these other men)..these puccified males in America are the men im speaking to, tellin them they dont have to do a single thing or spend a dime on women to get what u want out of them & they will get a lot further treating them like crap than treating them kindly becuz women in general (meaning most, not ALL) respect mean men and admit to being attracted to bad boys.

    • Nanaette

      From the tone of your comment, it sounds as if you gave to much to a woman and got used.  You sound like the bitter women you are trying to put down. being honest

      • GM_I

        I dont give women shyyyt, im not bitter for speaking about the types of females i make comments about…I guess anytime u speak about men who cheat, lie or beat women, ur just a bitter woman who was beaten, used & abused, smashed and left on the side of the street somewhere, righht??? smh

  • Nlm_1979

    Sooooo true ladies!

  • 2Piecewithabiscuit

    Really great article, I’ve been thinking like this for about 2 years that would have put me around 24 when I was at my wits end with treating men really well and “being” myself and then being told they weren’t interested anymore. Giving too much, not receiving a whole lot back. I hope more women see this and honestly decide to value themselves better. At 26 I don’t brag about cooking which i’m good at. i dont don’t brag about all these things and show any of it too early. most of these men are out here to play games, and play the field, so why bother.

  • Jullian Goodin

    This is an interesting article. I agree with the pretense that there should be boundaries on boyfriend compared to husband. However the posture of it is something i completely disagree with. As Summer stated below. Don’t date a man that is not on the same page as you. If he just wants to be friends and you’re ready for a marriage. You’re on the wrong page. However if you find a man that is on the same page as you. Your TREATMENT of him should be reflective of how you will treat him as his wife. Otherwise, you’re asking him to take the “potential” side while you’re wanting him to be 100% in. Now living with him etc…yes. But this came out of when you poured 100% of yourself into the wrong man. But then u withhold the best, from the next man, and feed him scraps??? I’m sorry. If she can give me her best. We don’t even need to date.

  • Hippiechik621

    I too give too much too soon hoping to impress. Thanks for this article.

  • Aprilkcmo

    Yeah, sometimes ladies, we do take it there and get caught up until something he says or does snaps us back into reality (Of course, I’m NOT talking from personal experience, that is). 

  • dee

    I loved this article. One big “aha” moment for me.  I am also guilty of giving and giving to boyfriends who continued to take and take and somehow in the end because they were never satisfied, our failed relationship was blamed on me and my inability to give even more than I already was.  I also did the cooking marathon, spending the whole day preparing a meal fit for the gods. only to have him ask me if i planned on  fixing him a plate (he never once said thank you) and when i said “no” his reponse was “is this how you are going to treat your husband?!”…wow.  So after i packed up everly last morsel of food “I” purchased and prepared, I let him know he was not my husband and how I treat my husband is for my husband to find out after we are married.  Oh yes honey I took all of my food home and called my bestie and we ate good!  Needless to say i dodged a bullet with that boyfriend and now this article really brings my thoughts about that situation full circle.

    • Turnerdown

      And there is nothing wrong with fixing your husband a plate.  YOUR HUSBAND

    • Jean

       Too funny!!  This sounds like something I would do.

  • awet

    I’ve learned that all men don’t deserve everything! I don’t cook for, buy presents, lend money to, or compromise my time and body for any man I’m dating unless we are on our way down the aisle. Likewise, I don’t want a man who is willing to give me everything without me proving to him why I’m worth it!

    • http://www.facebook.com/RosarioRed Rosario Stefania Scarsci

       I agree. I’m 22 and only learned these things recently. I caught myself a few times being too nice to men and buying them presents and crap. Now I’m like, forget it. I think men lack respect for women who do these things too fast and they do not deserve those gifts unless they are serious about something long term.

  • Loverz Quarrel

    Loved this article! I am so guilty of treating my boyfriend as a husband. I take cater to you to a whole other level. Always trying to prove my worth. Had to take a dating hiatus and re-evaluate things.

  • http://www.dafrastar.com/ DS

    Great insight! This was me in my previous relationship… 9 years and his family did not even know about us. I waited and waited, bought the super expensive lingerie sets, cooked the elaborate meals, bought the plane tickets to go visit…It took me a while to realize I was not much; it actually took him DUMPING me when I demanded to be introduced to his family, because I was “starting to get cocky”. I cried for 15 minutes, then realized it was a blessing: I may have not had the strength to do it on my own. NEVER looked back.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=125100517 Marquita Imblessed Jones

    I sooooo loved this article….my world changed what seemed like ages ago (but im only 27). I learned that not everyone is worthy of goodies, and plus Im a woman of God and HE is the only one that I am truly commited to until my Adam awakens

  • Sevn

    Wonderful article. Truth hurts and I know I need to make some choices as far as my relationship and never look back :-/

  • KatherineTheGreat

    LOVE IT!!!!  I shared this on my Facebook page, being so guilty of acting as GIRLFRIEND Convincer!  Willing to take my previous 17 years of marriage to prove I was wifey material.  In the dating world, such a devalue and incredible desperation move for the single woman, that “DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH!

  • LouisianaLickableLips

    Very insightful article. I got married at the very young age of 18. When i separated & started dating, it was a WHOLE new world 2 me. Things had changed so much from 1998 to 2007. When i 1st started dating, i thought u met a man, dated & got married, NOT realizing alot of men just wana play. I also treated the men like i treated my husband. I had 2 wise up quickly b4 i got ate up & spit out. Now, i can recognize if a man is in a stable point in his life 2 even get my attention. If he is not calling/txtn or concerned abt ur well being he is NOT ur long-term mate. And, just bcuz some1 looks good on paper does NOT mean he is 4 u, does NOT mean u shud “wait” 4 him, does NOT mean u shud try 2 change tht 1 flaw u hate. So many women fall in luv FOR the man & not WITH the man. Thts y they are being abused, neglected, & disrespected. Fall in luv with the man tht luvs & respects u.

    • Moniquew816

      OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT IM JUST READING WHAT EVERY ONE ELSE WROTE AND U STRICTLY SAID IT BEST AND COULD REALLY BE ME U TALKING TO IM 26 BEEN WITH MY KIDS DAD 4 YEARS ONLY TO GAIN NOTHING HE HAVE NEVER WORKED JUST NOW GOT A JOB NO AFFECTION WE ONLY ARGUE HE DONT NOTICE ME UNLESS HE WANNA HAVE SEX I STILL STAY AND HOPE HE CHANGES BUT ITS THE SAME THING IM IN HIS HOME TOWN NO FAMILY IM AFRAID TO LEAVE CAUSE I DONT KNOW AMYONE AND WHEN IM READY TO LEAVE I FALL FOR HIS BEGGING ME TO STAY

      • LouisianaLickableLips

        So sad 2 hear tht. Praying u get the strength 2 move forward n ur life.

  • Doesntmatter

    Great Article

  • Mstarheel Kh

    Great article. I wish I had read it years ago. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way! After years of being emotionally unavailable I dove into a relationship way too deep. Im much more balanced and happy with myself now.

  • Rangerjoe

    Great insights for single woman. You’re worth waiting for.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1438551270 Jessica Lucinda Williams

    Here, here!!! Great article!

  • Daymarie86

    This almost made me cry…this is my relationship in so many ways…and I could never understand why after 8yrs of total selflessness and a baby, I’m still not married…this is really an article to consider…Thanks

    • Mls2698

      Not calling you one, but that’s why there are so many “baby mamas.”

      • Lapen47

        Been there. Done that. Mines teenage sweethearts. 25 yrs. he’s was comfortable. 1 child. Lol. Last time it happen. I learn quick after him. Everyone else standards are high. :-)

        • Lapen47

          Typo. 15 yrs. I’m in my 30’s as well

      • TRUTH IS

        Stop being judgmental, it’s called a good woman with a bad experience.  She gave him * yrs..he is a loser.  My daughter didn’t stop me from going to college, now am dating a man (jewish) who totally loves and treats me right!  It’s a learning experience no matter the outcome!!

        • Gabbie

          OK, well if you expect this one to marry you, you better prepare to convert!

        • Mls2698

          In no way was I judging DAYMARIE86. But since you want to jump in for her (guilty much?) You’re DATING a man who TOTALLY loves and…..blah, blah.

          • Msmykimoto2u

            Maybe she is dating because she wants to take things slow and cautiously that doesnt mean he doesnt totally love her and she doesnt love him

        • really???

          good woman with a bad experience?

          is there anything black women can do to get themselves stricken from the good woman list?!?

          you guys are delusional!!!

          • not a fan

            Please don’t generalize, that’s not necessary. Obviously i don’t know your race but clearly there’s plenty of stereotypes to go around for everyone! There is such a thing as good people who’ve gone through terrible experiences. Mistakes doesn’t define who a person is. Tired of everyone thinking they can bash black women. Stuff that rolls off of some of our shoulders would probably break you. 

            • Msmykimoto2u

              AMEN! THANK YOU!

            • Camisha

              I know that’s right, Not a fan!  We are some of the strongest women ever!  People should recognize, not criticize!  I know plenty of NON-african american women who would rather give up their kid or kids, if their partner even mentioned leaving.  Us…We put an H on our chest and Handle it!  There is no can’t!

          • Really Though

             Lets flip it? Is there anything a white woman can do that would get her stricken from the GODDESS of PURITY tag although they pretend to be kidnapped, sleep with their husbands brother, pose for playboy, make sex tapes, love to star in adult films, shoplift on the regular, stay snorting white powder and yet only black women are DELUSIONAL

            • Camisha

              whoo hoo, really though!  That is the truth!  We are not looked at as even being able to be stay-at-home moms.  Really though?  You can sit home, do little of nothing, and get the full benefits of partnership?  Yet, if given the opportunity, we as black women would cook, clean, fix, work, tend to kids, cars, houses and MORE. This is why this article is written.  We somehow feel there’s a need to do this, while other culture sit around and get the rewards without effort. 

        • MrsB

          I am asking this in the most polite way.. Why do baby mamas get mad when people put down being a baby mama?  Should we uplift something that is contributing to the breakdown of the black family of our community?  I hear that quit often from my friends who are baby mamas, the word judgmental being thrown around when someone points out that being a baby mama is not beneficial to the mother nor the kid.  You said it, it’s a learning experience so how about baby mamas becoming the forefront for pushing marriage and being with upstanding, hard working men.  Our community, especially baby mamas, needs to stop pretending that being a lone parent will help further our growth when it is surely a hinderance.  Promote turning things around instead of getting offended when others, who oppose it, take a stance.

          • Chaliva

            I don’t think that we as a society should think of a family consisting only of 1man and 1 woman and one or more children. There are several thriving societies, where the family consists of 1 man, and 2 or more women..or 1 woman and two or more men…, or 2 men, 2 women etc etc…or, which is the case in a lot a black households in diaspora, 1 woman with children. Why do we think that that is soooo bad, and so immoral and so devastating to the welfare of the child and society? Because we look at the single mother household so negatively, is it maybe possible that we link anything that goes wrong within that household to the fact that there is “only” a mom raising her children? Is it possible, that maybe, just maybe there are other factors contributing? I mean, I do not think that the children of an immature uneducated irresponsible married couple or better off than the children of a responsible single mother.

            • Mrsb

              Chaliva, in America, polygamous marriages are not the norm.  So by pointing out that there are societies that practice this has nothing to do with our culture, our community.  We have to admit that our community is suffering – poverty, low unemployment, gang violence, high prison rates, behavorial issues, etc. – is this solely placed on the shoulders of single mothers.  NO.  Is single motherhood contributing to these ills.  YES.  It’s not about belittling the single mother.  It’s about saying enough is enough and asking SM to do their part to change things.  75% born out of wedlock.  Do you see this as a shameful problem?  How long will it be before it’s 90%?  Now 50+% of our men have prison records.  When it is 65%, maybe then will more women say we effed up?  Not just the fathers who left, but us too…
              Do you think if majority of children fron SM homes faired the same or better than 2 parent homes that there will be people opposing single motherhood?  If majority of prisoners, h.s. drop outs, gang members, etc came from 2 parent homes people would be praising single mothers.  I just dont understand why single mothers get so offended when people oppose something that is harming us as a people. 
              You asked, ”Why do we think that that is soooo bad, and so immoral and so devastating to the welfare of the child and society?”  My answer is because our kids are suffering.  Our boys are in trouble.  That’s why.

              • Msmykimoto2u

                Yes our children are suffering because of the lack of a two parent household but for these women who are doing everything they can as a single parent to take care of their children and provide a good life for them, I think when the term “baby mama” is thrown at them in such derogative manner is completely unfair and sick. It just puts women in such a negative light and thats all people see from the outside is “There goes another statistical baby mama…” when they dont know how hard she is working to provide for her children and keeping a roof over their head. My mom is prime example. She was never married to my dad. But it was her decision because he asked and she refused because he wasn’t making right choices at the time. In the end she raised me to be a wonderful woman while working as an RN for 20 yrs while at the same time batteling Lupus and raising her deceased sister’s 4 children and nephews. While she may be on the single mother list, she is FAR from being a “Baby Mama”

                • TRUTH

                  Yea, single moms are worst than two homes raising a kid?!? Take your head out of your arse, its way far up.  As with my e.g. and the other young lady, our kid didn’t come from a one night stand but from a long term relationship….who are you to judge?!?  I always say not because you don’t have a kid, doesn’t mean you were never pregnant (thats a whole other topic).  So it sound better when a couple marries and gets a divorce and the mother is left all alone to raise the kid/s?!? Sometimes, you have to be do foolish things to get wise!!

                  • TRUTH

                    Reply was meant for MrsB….get down off your cross other ppl need wood!!

                  • TRUTH

                    *homos

                  • Miss Anonymous

                    Obviously so, I have a cousin who looks down on our other cousins because she “atleast married her baby daddy”. She never mentioned how he cheated on her, had a 16 year old girlfriend living in their home, didnt take care of the kids and doesnt claim their third child. I told a friend once that maybe she shouldnt have gotten married to the fool who was beating and cheating on her having outside kids. She told me I was jealous because Im not married and dont have kids so I had to go to college because no man wants my old black butt. (Im 24, didnt know I was hitting menopause. -_-)

                    • Stayontherightpath

                      Why are so many women having babies with serial cheaters, men who are jobless, who dont have 2 pennies to rub together?  Why are so many women having babies by men who have kids with other women?  What does that say about the women?  Are all of these women suckers, college educated suckers, at that…

                      Come on, either way you slice it, it doesnt look good for the women.  Make better decisions, for real

                    • Miss Anonymous

                      The bad part is they are both army men and “army men cheat. smh. I cant even use my dad as a example to bust that myth (never cheated on my mom) cause “men back then was different”. They act like my dad is special black unicorn but he is like that is what he is suppose to do. He is suppose to not cheat on his wife and take care of his kids. People even tell him he such a good man for it and he is like “Im suppose to take care of my kids, whats next? Am I gonna get a cookie for going to work everyday or remembering my kids birthday?” lol

                    • Msmykimoto2u

                      When someone dates someone they dont automatically know they are cheaters and now a days its hard for women to find a man who doesnt already have kids as well as its hard for a man to find a woman who doesnt have kids

                    • http://twitter.com/mellahoney mella

                      This is a great point….which really seems to advocate getting to know people WELL before you sleep with them. Popular society seems to think jumping in and out of bed with people is ‘the norm’. Says who?

                    • http://twitter.com/mellahoney mella

                      This is a great point….which really seems to advocate getting to know people WELL before you sleep with them. And if you guys have such a great relationship, are on the same page spiritually and in every other capacity, then why not get married and make that commitment before God?

                      Popular society seems to think jumping in and out of bed with people is ‘the norm’. Says who?

                    • http://twitter.com/mellahoney mella

                      This is a great point….which really seems to advocate getting to know people WELL before you sleep with them. And if you guys have such a great relationship, are on the same page spiritually and in every other capacity, then why not get married and make that commitment before God?

                      Popular society seems to think jumping in and out of bed with people is ‘the norm’. Says who?

                    • TRUTH

                      Marriage ain’t what its chopped up to be at times.  A lot of ppl marry for the wrong reason and as with most relationship (married or not) they found out too late.  I do still believe in marriage tho

                • Mrsb

                  Of course, I know that not all single mothers arent dead weight.  Just like I cant say that all children from 2 parent homes are shining pilars of our community and society.  But I will say this, I find it rather disheartening that women in our community will use the divorce rate as an excuse to justify raising kids in a fatherless home.  But will not use other statistics such as the rate of those from single mother homes who are in gangs, have behavorial problems, in prison as a reason to ensure their children have a strong dad.  A child fairs better in a proper 2 parent home. It’s true, we know this.  I came from a single mother household; lived in a huge home in suburbs; traveled outside of America as a child; mom was on top of chores, our social lives, ensured we went to university, etc.  But my mom constantly told us to not be a lone parent; to marry a hard working, caring man.  Mom talked to us about the stresses of not having two incomes and about being the sole disciplinarian.  I didnt have the option of choosing non productive men as my mates.  I had to date good men.  I couldnt bring home a deadbeat b/c I loved him. Point is, she wanted to stop the cycle.  She didnt promote single motherhood as the end result of long term relationships that went sour.  She wanted the best for us in EVERY single aspect and this included our chose in men and marriage. 
                  Regarding your comment about the term baby mama…you have to take that up with the many baby mamas who give mothers with kids out of wedlock a bad name.  80+% of men in prison come from single mother homes.  This is one reason why…

              • LGnLA

                I hear and see your arguments, BUT I’d take it further & ALSO ask ALL THESE men that left & made ALL these single moms, to be poster men, to tell all boys/men: to stop the ‘mass exodus’ of a grown man’s responsibility to his family and stick around, marry the first child’s mom (or one of them, sheesh), STOP planting ALL THESE seeds with his member, but not truly ‘tending his garden (his children)’… THEN AND ONLY then can we get this back on track… because one half can’t be blamed for a two person issue… our children are suffering… 

          • Kyra

            Do you understand that you sound like a rank hoodrat when you use the term “baby mama”?  Who, outside of a project home, uses such language?  Do you know what else is contributing to the breakdown of our community?  People talking and acting like trash.  

            • guest

              Well she uses “baby mama” because that is the term used in the black community…notice I said “black community”.  We are the only group who gives disfunctionality such as this cutesie names like baby mama and baby daddy….it is so dumb!

            • Camisha

              Isn’t it terrible?  Why wouldn’t one call the next successful, yet single blond woman that went to a sperm bank a “baby mama?”  Because one would AUTOMATICALLY assume that her HUSBAND is either at work or home and that she’s just out doing errands as a traditional wife/stay-at-home wife would.  smh.  The stereotyping is ludicrous. 

            • bsbfankaren

              Oh please Kyra. The media uses the same terminology. Are they too rank hoodrats, or are you just looking for a way to shut MrsB down?

          • Miss Anonymous

            I surely wish baby daddies would get this much mention as much as the baby mamas do.

            • MrsB

              So are people just getting on mothers? Rap song, poetry slams, Barack Obama, Judge Mathis haha…there are plenty of forums that attack baby daddies.  But baby mamas arent without blame. 

            • http://www.therapyiseffinexpensive.wordpress.com Zan

               Thank you! Women can’t make babies on their own…

              • Knotslanding

                With so many single mohers out there, one can start to believe otherwise.

          • BMOF2

            IM A BABY MAMA OF 2 WHO HAVE THE SAME FATHER. I WAS SICK OF HIS WAYS AND EVEN THOUGH HE WANTED TO MARRY ME I WALKED AWAY. GETTING MARRIED TO AVOID BEING CALLED A BABY MAMA IS WORSE ON THE CHILD THAN GROWING UP IN A SINGLE PARENT HOUSEHOLD. IM HAPPIER SINGLE THAN I WAS WITH HIM. I WONDER MRSB HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU GONE TO THE CLINIC TO GET RID OF A CHILD BECAUSE YOUR SCARED TO BE CALLED A BABY MOTHER…GET A LIFE.

            • Michael

              why have children by someone who you are sick of his ways?

            • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507044948 Amber Isaidit Taylor

              I’m so glad you left him! but why assume she’s had kids, I have not every went to the clinic, I’m in 30’s have no kids, want no kids, and protected myself not to have them and again I kinda feel like her. 1 child is, getting caught up or even being young minded and thinking “with this kid he’ll marry me/act right’ but I do get confused when folks then have another kid, with no changes, no ring, no nothing. Not saying you are but what about the women who have a child with “every boyfriend” or got 4 kids by the same guy who even she says doesn’t provide for the kids, or her, cheating on her or gone in the wind. What is her logical reasoning for havig 4 kids with no stability? You got to admit she just knowing set her self up and her KIDS for a harder path than need be

          • Camisha

            wow!  I see that this one is getting nice and hot!  In regards to MrsB’s opinion, I myself find the terms “baby mama” and “baby daddy” completely derogatory.  To me, it seems as though we are just setting ourselves lightyears behind!  How come when white people get artificially insemenated, adopt, or even parent in same-sex households, they are not called such things?  We need to stop the nonsense.  But then again, I kind of understand why people give each other these horrible titles.  smh.

          • http://twitter.com/mellahoney mella

            If I could like your comment a thousand times I WOULD, Mrs. B.

            Many of us were RAISED by single mothers, or ARE single mothers. However, that shouldn’t preclude us looking at our situation (70+% of all Black children being born out of wedlock?!!) and stating the obvious to others: this pattern doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter what Oprah or Brangelina are doing…it aint working for us as a community. There’s no shame in saying that, and it doesn’t mean you are putting people down who are in that situation, just telling the truth so that we call a spade a spade.

            Because the current reality says it is much more ‘normal’ for an African American male or female teen to grow up in a home with a couple half siblings and a single mother/grandma heading the household, than to have a father AND Mother raising them. That is our NORM. dang! Oh & you know the best way to avoid that? Premarital sex.

            • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507044948 Amber Isaidit Taylor

              that and safe sex…it’s disgusting to me that so many folks don’t even TRY to protect themselves this is again why BLACK women lead on STD’s and AIDS,

              pregnancy with CONDOMS (and brith control too if you want) gets cut down drastically and you could cut down drastically on STD’s again LOVE YOUR SELF, cause apparently our black males (hell all males) don’t because they are not protecting us or our kids

            • bsbfankaren

              We pick them, we choose to have a child by them without benefit of marriage, then want someone to get mad at the man because it take two! Why not simply take full responsibility for our own actions as women, woman up and admit we’ve made some serious mistakes that are having a detrimental effect on the Black community? It’s only then that we can make changes, speak to our daughter’s to make sure they don’t make the same mistakes we did, and move forward into happier healthier relationships in which both parties are committed to the rearing of a child. And yes, I am a single parent!

        • Camisha

          Good for you, Truth is!  That’s how it should be.  MANY of us bump our heads as young people.  Does that mean we should receive a life sentence of unhappiness?  heck no!!!!!  Enjoy your Jewish Man, converted or not! :-)

    • Summer

      Never put the cart before the horse

    • TRUTH IS

      Same for me….8 yrs a kid and still is a loser but I’ve moved on!!

      • Mls2698

        See, I knew it! Don’t get made Toine. *in my Wayans brothers voice*

        • Mls2698

          Mad

    • Really Though

       WOW it took 8 years + a baby but only an article could make you see …U LACK COMMON SENSE

    • KneeCee

      Stop considering DayMarie!!! It’s time to go! I wish I could talk to you outside of MN…

      Good luck, girl.

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbara.codner Barbara Codner

    ;-)

  • Mls2698

    Can you forward this to Lauryn Hill ? I was raised on this principle, so it’s nothing new to me. Happy for you, and hope lots of women read this and believe it.

    • Gabbie

      I’m sure that Lauryn is doing better than you, hon.

      • http://www.facebook.com/kayla.esbjorn Kayla Ancrum

         Really? Have you even seen Lauryn Hill lately?
        I’m with MLS2698 on this one.

      • really???

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

        Gabbie, i take it you also have numerous kids with a man who didn’t marry you!!

      • Mls2698

        I don’t have six kids, two baby daddy’s (one who is about to marry someone else), so yes, I guess she IS doing better than ME.

        • Feezefosheeze07

          Gene?? Lol…

          • Mls2698

            Rohan.

        • guest

          Amen!  What a stupid comment by Gabbie…smh.

    • Mls2698

      I’m sure her face is cracked today, hon, seeing that her baby daddy is marrying someone else.  I still like her music, though.

  • Ms. C

    Great article!

  • Shaeron

    Great article! Gives me confirmation that I’m on the right track.

  • Summer

    I was married at the age of 33.  I had my first child at 35.  For those who want to marry I will give you good advice…date men who are on the same page of you emotionally, spiritually, and financially.  Also, date men who want to get married.  Dont date men who dont want to talk about kids and marriage.  Dont date men with a proven track record of dumping his seed across the land.  And yes, this article is great advice.  Dont be afraid to be single.  Never stay in a bad relationship; dont be afraid to drop a man quick. 

    • OhNoYouDidn’t

      Summer, I think your advice should be engraved on a plaque. Like you, I also married at 33, and believe me I dated my fair share of losers in my 20’s. I agree the biggest mistake women make (and that I made) was believing that even if a man isn’t on the same page, he’ll come around eventually. It never works out that way. When a man is ready to settle down, he doesn’t waste time playing games. I’m grateful I finally wised up and made better choices.

      • Summer

        Yes, I agree.  Too many women date men below their level.  Yup, BELOW THEIR LEVEL.  I said it.  Men who are decent wage earners , who are contributers to society, I mean men who believe in taking care of their families do not date/nor marry the hoodrat.  I have yet to see a ¨”good” man wife a woman who is below him. But on many occassions I have seen educated women take on a deadbeat as her new project.  And some women do this although they having children watching. 
        I agree strongly with this article.  But most importantly, I believe that if women want to marry they have to date a man who wants marriage, who is decent, who is caring, who believes in family values.  If you have an affinity (is that the right word?) for marriage why date someone who doesnt?

        • Msmykimoto2u

          Oh wow, I love what you said about educated women taking on deadbeats as projects, that is so true. I see that all too often and its very disheartening and discouraging that thats what we resort to because its hard to find that diamond in the rough.

          • http://www.facebook.com/nakia.franklin.9 Nakia Franklin

            Sorry for the two negatives… Working from my phone. I completely agree!!

        • guest

          Excellent advice!  Every time I date “below my level” it turns into a heartbreaking nightmare for me.  I especially love what you said about a “good” man wifing a woman who is below him.  You definitely date at the level of your self-esteem.

          • Camisha

            While some may date at the level of their self esteem, some date at the level of the pickings.  If the pickings are slim, what do most do?  Settle.

            • guest

              Makes a lot of sense, but they would have you believe otherwise!

    • Morgan

      Summer you make an excellent point and I truly will take that advice and wisdom to heart

    • jandrea310

      Something led me to this link I dont know what but It was exactly what I needed I have been struggling with that old saying now for seven years for fear of being alone I am already once divorced but this and I want to be married this advice was helpful I am scared to have that talk but Its either now or never and I am not going to be afraid to be single anymore THANKS

  • http://ryzeonline.com/ JasonFonceca

    Great stuff, Liz.

    I summarize this as people “Not Valuing Their Gifts”. It’s a bit less to do with “boyfriend level” vs “husband level, though that can come into play as a good example.

    I was with a chick once and I was thrilled to be “giving” everything I could. The thing is, it wasn’t valued and I learned something very powerful — I’m happiness cocaine , and thats a responsibility.

    http://ryzeonline.com/painful-withdrawal-from-a-different-kind-of-addiction

    Basically, giving poorly is a disservice, learn to give well :)

  • IllyPhilly

    Doing him at all is a hubby privilege. 

  • not a fan

    This was very insightful! I also used to give boyfriends hubby privileges but was constantly feeling unappreciated, taken for granted and inadequate. The more I gave, the more they took as if I was an abundant well. No wonder after each relationship I felt so drained, used and confused as to why I was “abandoned.” I’m slowly learning that there has to be boundaries especially if they don’t reciprocate.