Is a Good Woman Hard to Find?

July 22nd, 2010 - By Erica Renee

According to some men, finding a good woman isn’t as easy as we would like to believe. We often hear complaints, from our girlfriends or even ourselves, about the lack of quality men in the choosing pool. Well, news flash ladies, some men have the same argument. Just because you’re educated, self-sufficient, and consider yourself a ‘trophy,’ doesn’t mean men are as impressed as you think. Actually nowadays, those characteristics are more prevalent than not.

We look at the women around us who are just as beautiful, educated, and self-sufficient as ourselves and think men have it easy. But emotional baggage, gold-digger qualities, over-independence, e.t.c. are characteristics we may overlook but men notice. So yes, your college-educated, independent best friend is both attractive and on the market but what about those qualities that even you as a best friend can’t stand? For the sake of this article, let’s reverse the roles. If you were a man, would you date your girlfriends? Let’s take it one step further, would you even date yourself?

Last week, self-proclaimed bad boy of radio, Michael Baisden raised this question to his female callers: would you date your girlfriends?  Many of the callers’ answers were shocking, but more relevant than most of us ‘got it together’ women would like to believe. One woman strongly emphasized that although she loved her friends, she wouldn’t date any of them. The reasons: either they were too independent or not emotionally independent enough. Another lady confessed that most women are sneaky, conniving and looking for a man to ‘save them’ (so much for women sticking together).

In today’s society when most women are financially independent or at least on the path to becoming so, many men have become accustomed to beauty, education, financial independence, etc. What many men are complaining about has nothing to do with the superficial. Instead, it has everything to do with emotional stability, domestic values, and simply knowing how to treat a man.

So the next time you hear a man say that a good woman is hard to find, don’t be so quick to jump on the defensive end. Instead think about your girlfriend who complains about everything under the sun or your friend who is lugging around baggage from a high school relationship that happened years ago. Then evaluate those qualities that you need to work on, not only for a man, but for yourself.

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  • NKT

    Some of the comments are more nuanced than the original article. I'm not trying to hate but I was underthe impression that this website was geared towards the diescerning black woman. Please know that discerning means more than the desire and ability to read more than two paragraphs strung togther.

    There are so many points in the article that could have been explored more deeply. You mentioned that many women are accused of being "not emotionally independent" or "secretly waiting for a man to save them". These are behaviors I have observed in some of my female friends. Perhaps you could have talked about what women can do to address these and other qualities that may be holding them back from successful relationships.

    I would also like to read an article that discusses the "perfection syndrome" that seems to have overtaken many upwardly mobile black women and men. It has made us unable to see the true value in each other and instead all we can see is a catalog of faults. I have seen this alot and I think it needs to be addressed.

    I do plan to continue supporting this site because I enjoy thoughtful discssions on issues relative to black women…emphasis on thoughtful discussion

  • MarkH360

    Most women think they're good women. They may have been hoes in their 20's, but they're good women now because they want to settle down and get married in their 30's? Men know what high-mileage looks like, they just won't say anything. Golden Standard, You make some pretty good points but you lack understanding of a principle. There is no man without woman, he comes from her not the opposite. He may be physically stronger than her, but she must understand MA-stery so that she can use his strength to protect her, not hurt her. Wisdom manages strength under the appearance of submission. For example, if you watch a kung fu movie or demo, the MA-ster may be attacked by 100 men flailing and kicking at him, but he can't be defeated even though he stands there and appears to do nothing. He understands a principle. That his aggressors do not. If the MA-ster fought like his enemies, he has then lost. And that's exactly what's happened with women (black). Women are trying to imitate their 'oppressors' by imitating them. This whole 'strong black woman' thing has to stop and it will stop when women understand that the enemy lies within. It is herself who she does not understand and therefore she will not be able to select a mate who meets her dreams/ideal but she will select one who matches her ignorance directly or indirectly, overtly or covertly.

    Woman (black woman) Strength, power and domination is to be used to serve a moral and noble purpose, not vanity, materialism and insecurity. STRENGTH IS A MASCULINE PRINCIPLE. Submission IS domination, yet you must avoid subordination. Submission is a superior force than domination/strength. It is an aspect of wisdom. WHITE WOMEN KNOW THIS. AFRICAN WOMEN TAUGHT THIS TO ASIAN AND EUROPEAN WOMEN HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO. When you open your legs for sex, that is submission, but you cannot turn around as an aggressor or arrogant corporate hoe or hoodrat and expect balance in your environment. STOP THE MANIPULATION AND THEN TURN AROUND ACTING LIKE A VICTIM.

    The man, the male, men are the sons of mothers. That's where the word MA-son comes from. A builder of societies. Ancient masonry, not that secret society B.S. you hear floating around the net and not that boo-boo prince hall, quasi-christian stuff people are claiming with these fraternities.

    You cannot give Adam the apple (punnany) without wisdom. He took the apple because it came from his mother, the mother principle, mother earth. The principle that you black woman are supposed to embody. The woman is a creator, mother earth is a creator. Men do not create shy t. A man can build a house but he cannot make a home..And that's why we as a people can't overcome this black man black woman relationship tribulation. Is a good black woman hard to find? Yes, because there's really no difference between a hoodrat girl or a 'successful' corporate woman. At least a hoodrat knows she has no where to go but up, but you can't tell a corporate woman anything, because in her own mind, she's 'arrived' or is about to 'arrive'. Yet she's 35 and believes that her 'success' is what makes her more attractive and available when the whole corporate system she believes in wholeheartedly is a farce and an illusion in itself. I'm not saying anything is wrong with having a corporate job, but wisdom never dies, corporate america can die just like its doing right now, so then what do you have left? A generation of educated, degreed women with no knowledge. There's an old addage, "How do we know that the men are at war?, The women are watching". Black women de-serve to suffer because they've achieved the principle they've served, same goes for black men, but at the FINAL consent of black women(aka opening your legs).

    Also I'm tired of hearing about slavery and the separation of black families. Blacks enslaved whites first. Research that. That's why everyone and everything gets exactly what they put out in life. "The children pay for the sins of the parents" Exodus 20:5-6 "As thou has done, so shall it be done unto you" Matthew 8:13

  • artdude01

    @Golden Standard, I was with you until that last paragraph, it seems to show that you're still carrying around baggage. And as far as all those HipHop-Heads who are pretending to be men… 9 out of 10 are being raised by women. They don't have any fathers or they probably wouldn't behave this way. But to be honest, all the ghetto h0es that offer them ghetto love on a daily basis keep them supplied with the just desserts they need to keep the neverending circle of stupidity going, having even more babies who will become uneducated. Women are just as at fault for the crappy pool of men who overpopulate the black community as the men themselves. Either by refusing to raise their kids, of giving them all the azz they need no matter how they behave. TRUST this if nothing else, if a stupid hood azz negro who called everyone including his own mother "shorty" could NOT get laid on this Earth, he would find something else that works like pulling up his pants and learning to read. You must understand, that while men are responsible for their own actions, most do things in attempts to impress women. Given the overwhelming number of Lil Wayne wannabes, something is working for them to be getting laid on a regular. Trust me, some of you lady's girlfriends are providing these f*ck pleasures for these men. So blame them as well.

  • Renee

    @Golden Standard – you hit the nail on the head 10 times!

  • Tracy Cousins

    All this don't matter cuz no matter what someone is always going to complain about someone else, so what we need to start doing is not looking for these "qualities" and start looking for our emotional match and work out the rest, and we would all be happy in this mf.

  • MsMona

    That's weird about women saying they wouldn't date their friends. I think they are thinking about them as women and not as if they were a man looking at their friends.

    I would date my good friends. They are both good people, good mothers, hard working and outgoing.

    I think it depends on what you're looking for.

    many men don't want good women either…let's be honest. Many of them are looking at superfical stuff and are just saying they are not. Look at how many successful men marry women who have never worked a day in their lives, or were models or nannies(honest profession)just sayin.

    Yes, we all have baggage…You have to deal with mine just like I would have to deal with yours.

  • auntdoggandauntfail

    I have never had a friend that isn't marriage material. Every woman is meant for someone else and the same for men. Some women are lucky and find a man who are willing to step up and be a man and others like myself arent. Too many men are just playing games and then find ways to blame it on the woman. Meet a woman if she is right for you then go for it, other than that , there are options friendship and I don't believe in sleeping with my friends. Most importantly, it's important to affirm the ones you love that there is someone for you, don' t be discouraged just be patient and don't settle for crap because you deserve better.

  • Mimi

    If I was a man, would I date any one of my friends? My answer to that question is, I would date only one of my friends (I have a total of five good friends). The four that I wouldn't date, I have a perfect reason:

    Friend 'A' is too busy trying to be a socialite and is more interesting in mingling with up and comers, to be invested in any relationships.

    Friend 'B' and 'C' are married: B is a mother of two children and C is a newlywed.

    Friend 'D'…to put it bluntly…she is a h*e. I know I shouldn't classify my friend like that, but it is the best way to describe her. She thinks being sexually available to her "friends" makes her entitled to be loved.

    Now, do I think I am suitable to be loved? Nope.

  • SoAheadOfTheGame

    Yes I say it is

  • Lady Love 716

    @Feedup i see what your saying but it sounds like your ranting and that u really are having a bad day lol

    @Natasha nobody ever moves on completely. there is a piece of every relationship and experience left in everyone, thus making future relationships suffer. Its all about how u handle your feelings that all.

    *I think this article is just another article about the same ol conversation we all have. We so busy writing articles and being on the internet that were not focusing enough on bettering ourselves and carrying out our morals. All this text messaging and tweeting shyt is getting ridiculous. If u ask me we all need improvement on our communication skills with one another (men and women). As for which of my friends would I date, i would have to say all of them. and its only 3. For 21 year olds and one thats 24, were all pretty level headed well rounded females.

    Have a Blessed day

  • Jameca

    *is

  • Jameca

    Very well written & I do agree that at one point I thought because I was an attractive educated woman that I was a great woman & shouldn't be single. I soon realized that there are more that I need to work on to become a better woman on top of being attractive and educated. P.s I would date a couple of my friends but others not so much!

  • Jenelle

    i like the different perspective. i would date only one of my friends or maybe two.

  • Natasha

    Yeah @feedup but when are you going to let that go? i am a black woman but i think black women and men are too busy making excuses for why we f*ck up instead of moving on. sounds like you are an agry black woman. and this is what they sterotype us

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  • feed up

    Bull shi* but You caught me on a bad day.

    They talk about women wanting men to save them but roles have changed now a days. Men are supposed to be the head of the household and support their partners so they can hold down the home or take care of the kids but this is not the case. The excuse that most tend to use is that it's harder now and it takes 2 incomes to make it. That wasnt the way it was back in the day. If the man couldnt make it on his first job, he got another one or hustled to do what it took. Women didnt have to struggle by dealing with crap on the plantation (job) all day and then try to hold down the house hold at the same time. I know there are some gold diggers or those looking for captain save a ho but they don't outweigh the single moms or those that are taking care of broke, lazy bums who won't get off their as* and work or those who have other issues.

    Yes some of us have issues because we can't let go of all the jerks that we had to date or deal with all of our lives and when we do find a good man, we have to strip away all those layers of residue left behind. Men also feel as though it's ok to have 2 or 3 or more women because the good women far out weigh the number of available, stable, employed, straight men. So they conform or agree to lower their standards and put up with things that they know they are not capable of accepting and then take it out on the next guy.

    Demanding – YES because we are tired of the bull shi* lies and deceptions. We figure we can do it ourselves and save the drama. Be by ourselves and eliminate the headaches. Tired of having to take care of our children and a man who acts like a child himself. We are not maids, housekeepers, secretaries, personal assistants nor can we read your mind. We are sick and tired of being "supportive" or "doing what it takes" to keep the family together.

    Again, there are some good men out there but hey, we are too tired to try to figure out who or what you want us to be or deal with "what it takes to keep the man happy", take care of children and home as well as maintain our own sense of identity and sanity.

  • Jaclyn

    I would date all my girls except for one. She's like some dudes when it comes to relationships. Plays too many games and would rather be right then happy. This is a great article; i often think we (woman) tend to look at men and less at ourselves. We tend to attract a reflection of ourselves. I can be honest…would i date myself? Maybe but even though i can be a catch i can have some baggage that i bring. So i attract men that bring their own baggage. The good thing is that we’re ever growing and if we work on our flaws we’ll be ok. The first step is to recognize it. Good luck ladies =)

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  • Monica

    Good point and good question. I wouldn’t date any of my girls! lol

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