Are You The Reason Your Friendships Don’t Last?
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Do you have friendships that have lasted more than three years? How about five? Ten? If you’re a grown woman, you should have at least a couple of friends you’ve known for a decade, and several you’ve known for five years. You’ve spent quite a bit of time on this planet, and you are (or should be) past your destructive, selfish college and high school behavior. If you’re a woman pushing or past 30, you’ve had plenty of time to stabilize, know who you are, know what you need in a friendship, and cultivate lasting friendships. If you are in that age range but seem to lose friends left and right, it’s time to face the fact: you’re the common denominator in those broken friendships. In other words, other people aren’t the problem…So, are you the reason your friendships don’t last?
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You see favors as currency
When you do someone a favor, you keep that in your back pocket. Next time you want something from them, you remind them of the favor you did them back in the day. This type of behavior makes people not trust you, and feel that your relationship is more an exchange of services than an actual friendship.
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You only help if it’s convenient
You only help someone if it’s incredibly convenient for you, or makes you look good. You would never cancel plans or drive far to be there for a friend if they said they really needed you. And you probably wouldn’t do them a favor unless you’d get plenty of public credit for it.
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You can’t be happy for others
You struggle to be genuinely happy for others when good things happen to them. If your friend shares good news with you, you end up interrogating her, suspicious as to how she had this victory and wondering how you could have it for yourself.
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You don’t have boundaries
You’ll ask your friends to do things they aren’t comfortable doing to help you, particularly with your career. You’ll ask them to introduce you to a high-up figure who they barely know themselves, and who they’re still building a relationship with. Or you’ll ask them to give you a fake reference for a job.
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You flake, “Because you don’t feel like it”
You often cancel plans simply because you no longer feel like doing them. It doesn’t occur to you that the other person specifically made time in their schedule to keep these plans. Part of being a good friend (and a grownup, to be honest) is showing up where you say you will, even when you don’t feel like it.
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You’re possessive of your friends
If your friend introduces you to her other friends, you’re passive-aggressive towards them, find ways to make them look bad, and try to make them see that your common friend likes you the most.
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You make everything about you
At your friend’s birthday party you ask, “How are there no dairy-free cupcakes at her birthday party? I’m lactose intolerant! She knows that!” You are unaware of all the other things people often have to think about, besides your small, rather insignificant demands.
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You can’t control your anger
When you’re angry, you say nasty things you do not mean. Another part of being a good friend and an adult is developing a filter and recognizing which comments are productive and which are just hurtful.
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You don’t communicate when you’re upset
If you’re angry at your friend, you don’t tell her. Instead, you reject her calls, spread rumors about her, and make passive aggressive remarks. You force people to ask you what is wrong, rather than just coming out and telling them.
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You bring down the mood if yours is down
If you are in a bad mood, and you’re at someone’s celebratory meal or drinks with friends, you bring everyone’s mood down. You cannot muster up the strength to have a positive attitude for two hours so that everyone can enjoy themselves.
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You give your two cents, unsolicited
You give your opinion on everything, even when it isn’t very nice and it wasn’t asked for. You’ll tell your friend if you think her job is beneath her or her boyfriend is beneath her or she’s dressing too provocatively.
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You can’t admit fault
You never apologize. Your way of apologizing is listing all the ways the other person provoked you. That is not a real apology.
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You’re not nice to their boyfriends
Part of your being possessive of your friends is your inability to be nice to their boyfriends. You’re, deep down, jealous that they have boyfriends because you haven’t been able to keep one yourself (mostly because you have the same behaviors in romantic relationships as you do in friendships).
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You’ll cancel if something better comes up
You’ll cancel plans with a friend if somebody else invites you to something that sounds more fun, or where you can network or social climb.
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You favor the famous/popular person in the room
You’ll ignore your friend if there is someone in the room you think you can benefit from knowing. This could be a celebrity, someone of high social status, or someone notable in your industry.
