Image Source: Shutterstock
Author Daniel Bergner’s book “What Do Women Want” became a hot topic when he revealed, “women’s desire – its inherent range and innate power – is an underestimated and constrained force.” His research uncovered that, “despite the notions our culture continues to imbue, this force is not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” He brings the point home with, “one of our most comforting assumptions – soothing perhaps above all to men, but clung to by both sexes – that female eros is much better made for monogamy than the male libido, is scarcely more than a fairytale.” Really?
It’s taken for granted that men have sexual needs but for some reason it is still shocking in our society that women are sexual creatures. That’s what all of the articles on hook up rules, culture and BET’s “Being Mary Jane”(BET says season 4 is coming soon!) are saying between the lines – wow, look, women want and need sex. On the other hand, you are probably having the same reaction I that had when I read that quote. Obviously, sir.
Let’s all breathe a collective “duh” into the ether and move forward. After all, we women have the only body part that exists solely for the purpose of pleasure. The beatific miracle called the clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings. Eight thousand! Yes, desire is a part of our domain.
Desire is defined by dictionary.com as “a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.” I define desire as a force of passion. When we are passionate about our families, our careers, our health and our bodies, we are clear with ourselves about our desires in these areas.
Let’s discuss sexual desire and the single woman.
You are single. Your name is neither Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte nor Miranda but you are an unattached woman in a city, village or town somewhere. You are an adult woman (maybe a mama) with physical needs. What’s a consenting and desiring goddess to do?
Forget a fish out of water; when I became suddenly single after a 10-year relationship I felt like a fish tossed into a restaurant. I was flip flopping around without a leg to stand on. From flirting signals to dating rules, everything was new and confusing to me. When I finally got my sea legs I realized that I had no significant other to make decisions about my life. I never felt more free; free to say yes, no, maybe and next.
Singlistas, take the opportunity of your current unattached status to live for you, without apology. We’re all used to being the sexual object of men. It’s an entirely different stance altogether to think of yourself as the subject, the leading lady of the story, not just the supporting the wife, girlfriend or mother role. You are not the image in someone else’s gaze.
Can we retire the whole virgin-whore concept already?
It’s not about “slut shaming” or “prude shaming.” The sexuality of real, full-blooded women is usually much less extreme.
I always have been a monogamy kind of girl. To each her own but casual sex just does not interest me. I enjoy gourmet intimacy, not fast food hookups. I also hold what I’m working with in high esteem. If I had a bounty of rubies and pearls would I offer them as a party favor? Probably not. A counter argument, though, is that one abundant in precious jewels might gain pleasure from sharing them. Your call.
Don’t get me wrong. I am far from a sexual snob. I’ve just never had a one night stand but then again that’s just semantics. Have I “made out” with someone and then opted not to see him again? Sure. The first, second, third base stuff from grade school is ridiculous. We use this supposed hierarchy of sex to make some encounters more or less egregious than others.
“I did not have sex with that woman.” Sure he did. You may not have had intercourse but you had sex. You exchanged sweat and sexual energy. You had sex. The same is true for all of us. Deal with it.
I speak to teen girls about discovering the strength to stand firmly in their own choices. I tell them that the decision of whether to have sex has nothing to do with being pure, chaste or untouchable but knowing instead that their bodies belong to them. You can’t “lose your virginity” like you lost your favorite locket.
I also add, when speaking to women no matter the age, that it is about having a sense of self-worth. You are not some dainty, weeping willow but what you are is more divine than anything on the planet. You are a succulent and juicy creator who deserves to be selective about who she allows into her heart, mind, spirit, womb and panties.
When it comes to being sexually empowered, two people could be taking what looks like the same actions with completely different intentions. Self-worth is the difference between a girl flashing her boobies in a “Girls Gone Wild” video for 10 seconds of peer-pressured infamy and an empowered woman who truly knows and values herself choosing to be a burlesque performer on a pole. The second woman seemingly has more agency in her life although we hold no judgments against the choices of the first.
If you are sleeping your way across the Garden State because it’s the only way you can feel loved, then you have an issue with self-loathing. If you decide like “A Year of Sex” author Mia Martina to be a sexual explorer because you want to know more about who you are, then have at it. As Brown Girls Burlesque star and “Prose & Lore” writer Essence Revealed says, “One of the biggest steps was when I stopped putting more value on other’s opinions of me than I did on how I feel about me. Once you stop caring about what ‘they’ will think, life gets so much better.” Indeed.
So, you find yourself unattached & horny.
This is where the Afrodite Encounter comes in. What’s an Afrodite Encounter? You may also know it as a Booty Call, No Strings Attached Sex, a Casual Encounter, One Night Stand, F*ck Buddy or Friends With Benefits arrangement. Aphrodite, of course, is the Greek goddess of love, pleasure and beauty. Her Egyptian contemporary is Hathor, the goddess of feminine love and joy.
Here are the “official” self-loving hook up rules. Remember, whomever you’re sleeping with, you still have to wake up with yourself. No matter how quick, short, small or whatever, it’s a sacred energy exchange. Treat yourself with care and respect your partner as well.
1- Be honest.
Tell the truth to yourself and to your lover. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? The correct answer should be, because I want to I had a client who felt that she was punishing your ex by being promiscuous.
Sexual repression forces people to feel that they have to be underground with the fact that they are a sexual being. Own your needs. Don’t lead anyone on. Be clear about what is happening. If you don’t want things to lead to a relationship, say so.
2- No Expectations.
Don’t feel a need to make it what it is. A booty call or one night stand is not a binding social contract. You know how many letters I get from women saying that they’re secretly in love with their hook up buddy and don’t know what to do about it?
Know what you can handle. You are signing up for an “it is what it is” status. Don’t try to turn it into “it’s complicated.” “It is what it is” does not include: being upset that he didn’t call or text, wanting breakfast in the morning, expecting that he will be an amazing lover or wanting him to give you money or presents. Those things would be great but if they weren’t a part of the deal so be it.
3- Use protection.
When I heard the stats of African American women contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases I had to create a Safe Sex Initiative. Safety comes first. Pretty penises spread diseases, too. Subscribe to the B.Y.O.C. school of dating.
If you think that there’s a chance that you will be naked together, Bring Your Own Condom. If the man thinks that you’re a slut because you want to be safe, keep it moving. He’s not worth your time anyway – and probably has a small wenus.
Safe sex also means sex that is emotionally safe. Make sure that your partner is reasonably sane before being alone with him. You always have the right to be treated with dignity. You’re not the jerk whisperer. Make your bedroom a toad-free zone.
4- Easy on the booze.
I know, I know. Liquor has been getting people laid since the beginning of time. One could certainly theorize that there might be little hookup culture without this social-sexual lubricant.
The fact is that we are more likely to have regrets if we’re blinded by wine goggles. On the more dangerous side of things, it’s easier for boundaries to be crossed when you’re drinking. Of course, you have the right to say no at any time. When we don’t have our faculties clear, we can easily place ourselves in harm’s way.
5- The Girlfriend Protection Club.
Always text your girlfriends the name and address of the person you’re meeting. I ask my friends to also send me quick license plate and photo face shots or any “stranger” they’re going out with. Paranoid? I think not. Have your fully charged phone with you at all times. (No, don’t answer it during.)
6- Be wary of the social media trail.
Have you ever laughed with friends over a photo of some man in a compromising position? You do know that they do the same, right? There are whole listservs dedicated to dudes trading photos and stats on hookups.
Is he tweeting, facebooking or instagramming about you? Be informed. This ain’t your grandma’s hook up days. The trail of your time together could last longer than the actual interaction.
7- Don’t linger.
Unless invited to stay longer, when your partner leaves the bed you should too. This guy told me that he often pretended he had to go somewhere and would actually get on the subway to get rid of women after a one night stand. Need clarification? Reread the section on “No expectations.”
Don’t “accidentally forget” your sweater. Give a hug and say goodbye. Know that lounging around with someone you’re not connected to won’t help you be less lonely or heal a broken heart. Letting the other party know that you’re open to a daytime date is a more honest way to go.
8- You can always change your mind.
You invited him over or went home with him and now you’re having second thoughts. You’re not obligated to do anything with him! At any point you have the right to change your mind. It doesn’t matter if you’re both completely naked. Your body, your choice.
As I have said often, someone buying you dinner (or anything) does not obligate you to have sex with him. Know your worth. No monetary scale exists to calculate your “P power.” Within you exists the power that creates worlds. Don’t barter that for the skirt steak.
9- Explore.
Feel free to step out of the box. Have fun! That’s why you’re there, right?
10- Practice being shameless.
A popular Guyanese insult via my mother and aunts is, “You got no shame?!” This could apply to anything from a wrinkled shirt to a failed grade. Guilt says ‘I did a bad thing’ and shame says ‘I am a bad person.’ Release them both. Shame and guilt are useless emotions.
Own your behavior. Take full responsibility for your actions as an adult.
You make choices. Some of them are great and others not so much. So what if it wasn’t your shining hour. Big deal. Welcome to the club of being human. You’ll make better choices tomorrow. Beating yourself up after the fact changes nothing.
Enjoy. You came, you saw, you conquered; not necessarily in that order. Lucky you.
—
Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, evolved sexuality and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at “Abiola’s Love University.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
