The Most Immature Ways To Respond To Being Dumped
The moments immediately after we are dumped are never our best moments. Those times in movies where people are dumped and go on to behave all noble and stoic—those don’t really happen. When you’re dumped, you’re overwhelmed by several emotions that you were not prepared for. And when we’re not prepared for a storm of emotions, we do not handle them well. We usually end up behaving petty, saying something desperate, lashing out in anger, or just in general acting very uncool. That’s okay. We’ve all been there. But it takes a special line of crazy to act really immature after being dumped. There are some actions you cannot blame on being overwhelmed by emotion. There are some actions that take planning, consideration, and a lot of crazy. Here are the most immature ways to respond to being dumped.
Live tweet it
As the guy dumps you, you have your phone out under the table, and you’re live-tweeting the whole thing. He’s thought out a considerate breakup speech, and you’re repeating it, and then critiquing it, for the world to see on Twitter.
Announce it to the entire restaurant
“Do you hear this everybody? THIS guy—yeah this one carrying a little extra weight around his neck—is dumping ME!”
Call him out on Facebook
Tag him in a long post about what an awful boyfriend he was. Detail every embarrassing thing you learned about him during the relationship and every fight that sheds an unflattering light on him.
Cry to his mom about it
Call his mom and tell her not only that her son has made a huge mistake, but also tell her that you think he has a drinking problem. That should keep them both busy for a while.
Try to beat him to it
The moment you sense he is going to dump you, you blurt out, “I think we should break up!”
List everything you never liked about him
“Fine. I don’t care. You’ve gained weight. Your jokes aren’t that funny. Your business idea is terrible, and you make disgusting noises when you eat.”
Tell him who you’ll have sex with now
List off every guy he ever was jealous of, or suspected you found attractive and tell him you’ll be going to screw them now.
Tell him all the times you faked it
Tell him every time you faked an orgasm. Oh, and how terrible he is at oral. And how gross his penis tastes and how unattractive his climax face is.
Scare off other women for him
Peek at his Facebook to see if he’s been chatting with other women. Then, find those women online and send them a list of his bad qualities.
Leave him with a massive check
Pretend to be going to the bathroom, go to the server and order $300 worth of items on the guy’s tab, and leave the restaurant.
Try to keep him with sex
In a desperate moment, attempt to keep him by taking your clothes off or starting a hand job under the table.
Sabotage his work relationships
Send an anonymous email to his boss telling him every time your ex slacked off at work and every mean thing he ever said about his boss.
Try to sleep with his best friend
Seduce his best friend, brother, or whoever he values most.
Take back all your gifts
Demand every gift you ever gave him back. Threaten to do any of the aforementioned things on this list if he doesn’t return them.
Post his naked pictures online
Post any and all nude pictures you have of him online, along with any extremely personal notes he ever wrote you.